Dealing with Death

*This is not to offend anyone's religion beliefs*

I sat down on my bed crying, screaming in agony to myself. How did this happen? What will become of me? Who will love me now? I feel like I can't breathe. I must be dying. I must be leaving from this cruel earth. I can't see, I can't hear, I can't feel and please let me die. Just take the pain away from me now. I don't want to be here anymore because there is no purpose for me. I hate God. I hate Jesus. Oh, my God, Please let this be a dream. How could you do this to me? I prayed every night. I did not ask for anything selfless. I can't believe this. Why did I deserve this? I don't want to live anymore and nothing makes sense. Why are we here? Why do we live? To come into other people lives and just walk out and leave? Are we here to be burdens to our family and to leave them here to rot? Answer Me! I don't understand any of this. My life made perfect sense yesterday. My life made perfect sense 5 hours ago. A few hours ago I was a happy 18 year old teenager and now I'm a hateful 18 year old teenager. To hell with December 26^th and to hell with this thing called my life. I walked into my bedroom and fell on the floor.

My heart just ran out of the door and my life flew out of the window. As I gently got off the floor, I walked to my window and watched the barren pear tree in the front yard. I remember how the pears hung from the branches and how beautiful it was. Now it's bare because of December and now my life and heart has left me. It's the 12^th month of the year and now I despise this month. I started looking at a picture of my dad that was sitting on my dresser. It was a nice picture of him and it was the only picture I had of him. He gave it to me as a gift on my 13^th birthday. Not my idea of a birthday gift, but hey I didn't see him a lot anyway. I kind of started to feel sorry for him, and it was the first time in my life that I have ever felt this way about him. How would this day affect him? How would he view life now? I got up and peeped out of the window and everything was the same outside. The birds were still flying, the grass was still brown, and the sun still was shining. As my life is ending; the world is still going on. Time really does not wait on anyone and time has made a fool of me. Life will go on no matter what. Nothing remains the same, nothing is promised to stay the way we want it, and this is life. Either you understand it or you will get lost trying to figure it out. If this is reality then God take me away now. I have fulfilled my duties to you, but I will never get on my knees to pray again. I don't understand any of this and I don't have anyone to explain any of this to me. December 26, 2002 is a day I will never forget. As I sat on my bed crying, I stared in the mirror, and all I saw was a little girl gone, staring back at me.