Dealing with the Death of a Child: The Traumatic Story of Having a Child Stillborn

Let me give you a little background on myself. I had my son, Alexander Nicolas, when I was 17 years old. I was told shortly after I had him that due to a medical condition called Polyocystic Ovarian Disease I would never have another child. I went on to have 3 surgeries to try to increase my odds. I was told after my last surgery that I also have a bad left tube and that my chances of getting pregnant were 1 in 200,000.

Well in June of 2003, I started to bleed uncontrollably and went to the emergency room. The doctor was not sure what was going on so he sent for an OBGYN specialist. The specialist would proceed to tell me that I was having a miscarriage and that it was due to an infection probably in my left tube. That was when I lost Angel Rene. From the way that I had been feeling we have estimated that I was about 6 weeks pregnant. The doctor put me on antibiotics and told me to go home and rest.Three months following the miscarriage, I was pregnant with my miracle baby. The one that everyone had said I would never be able to have. I had a rough pregnancy and was put on bed rest for the last 3 months. On June 22, 2004 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Shania Mary. She had a few problems in the beginning but has since become a healthy child.

My husband and I never intended to get pregnant again but in October of 2005, we were told that I was indeed pregnant. I had an ultrasound to determine how far along I was. I was about 7 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy was just as rough as the one before except for the fact that I was not hungry. I would make myself eat because I knew that the baby needed nutrition. I lost 16 pounds during the first 3 months of my pregnancy. I was worried but had been reassured that it was nothing to worry about. As the months went on I would gain weight one month and then lose weight the next. I had an ultrasound at 20 weeks to check on the growth of the baby. I was told that everything was normal. I was told the baby was a girl. She was advanced in some areas for growth but nothing that we had to be worried about. I continued to see the doctor regularly and follow all the instructions given to me. During my 32-week visit I had lost 10 pounds. The doctor was a little alarmed and ordered another ultrasound. I went to the ultrasound thinking the worse, something was wrong with my baby. I was told that everything was fine and that there was nothing to worry about. But, this time she was a little behind in growth where she had once been advanced. I was told this can happen and that she weighted 4 lbs 12 ozs.

During the next few weeks things started to get strange to me. I was having contractions all the time and was told that they were probably Braxton Hick. I looked up what false labor felt like and realized that what I was having was very similar to that. I endured the 7 weeks of contractions and prayed that my daughter would come soon. On June 1, 2006 I went into labor. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that my daughter was going to be here soon. We got to the hospital at 7:30 am and my contractions were 6 minutes apart. I was immediately taken up to OB and put in a room to be monitored. The nurse tried to attach the fetal monitor to me but my daughter was being stubborn and they were having a hard time keeping track of her heartbeat. The nurse decided to bring my doctor in and have me examined to see if I was ready to go to a delivery room. Dr.H came in and did a pelvic exam and told me that I was 4 cm dilated and that I was ready to have this baby today. My contractions kept getting harder and when I tried to walk to the delivery room the pain was unbearable. Once I was comfortable in the delivery room is when my life would change forever.

The doctor decided that since they were not able to get the heartbeat with the fetal monitor that she was going to break my water and attach a monitor to my daughter's head. When the doctor tried to break my water bag she was unable to find it. It was empty and it had never broken. She quickly attached the monitor to my daughter's head and was unable to find a heartbeat. She sent for the ultrasound machine. When they did they ultrasound they were not able to get a heartbeat either. She made one last attempt and requested that they bring the bigger better ultrasound machine up to check my daughter. They arrived with the other machine and the results were the same. My daughter did not have a heartbeat. She had died between 8 am and 9:30 am.

I went into shock and begged the doctor to save my baby. I did not care what she had to do; I was willing to do it. She explained to me that my daughter was gone and that she had to worry about me now and make sure that she did not lose me too. I looked at my husband and told him "I am sorry", "I am so sorry". He was doing everything he could to remain in control of his emotions, but I saw the hurt in his eyes. I had to know that we would make it through this. I kept asking him "Are we okay?" and telling him I did everything I was told to do "I am so sorry, I would have come in sooner if I had known something was wrong" "Why didn't I know something was wrong". He replied to me "Hunny, you did nothing wrong. There was no way for you to know that this would happen" I just could not believe that I thought that a mother always had the intuition to know when something was wrong with her child. Why had I failed my daughter?

The doctor put me on some pain medication to help until I was about to get an epidural. Once I received the epidural they started me on pitocin. I could not feel the contractions but knew that they must have had the pitocin turned up as high as they could. I delivered my beautiful Angel Kyra Christina at 11:30 am.

The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her. I was warned that she might be cold depending on how long she had been gone. I responded that I wanted to hold her that she was my baby. She was so tiny and looked so delicate. She was still warm. I said something to the nurse and was told that just means that she has not been gone that long. I opened the blanket that they had her wrapped in and looked at my Angel. She had the cutest little fingers and toes. Her face was an exact image of mine when I was a baby. I could not believe that she was gone and that I would have to let her go to the funeral home instead of home with me.

My husband was doing everything that he could do to stay in control of his emotions but broken down when I asked him if he wanted to hold her. He said "I am sorry, I can not hold her" He did not want to believe that she was actually gone and felt that if he held her then it would be harder for him to let her go. My husband got me situated and then left the hospital to tell our families. He also went home and removed all of the baby stuff that I had set up to make it easier for me to handle going home.

While he was gone the doctor took 10 vials of blood from me and told me that she was sending the placenta, blood from the cord and my blood in to be tested to see if they could determine what had gone wrong. I was told that there are a few reasons why my water bag would have been empty. These reasons were:
Kyra's Kidneys had probably failed.
The umbilical cord was not sending enough nutrition to her.
I could have had an undetectable leak (however she did not think this was the case.)

I asked the doctor to please let me go home. I could not deal with the death of my daughter in the hospital, I needed to be with my husband and children. They would help me thru this the most. She agreed that if the bleeding slowed down and I took antibiotics that she would allow me to leave, but they had to wait for me to get a shot.

I remained at the hospital till 6:30 pm and was released to go home to my family. I cannot explain the sadness that I felt and yet the relief that I felt to be leaving the hospital. I felt sadness cause I knew that my daughter was not going home with me but I also felt relief cause I was going home to my children and husband.

When I got to my mother in laws house I could not control the tears as I held my children in my arms and thanked God that they were still here with me. Our family did not know what to say except for why did this happen, we are so sorry. You guys do not deserve to be going through this.

I was exhausted and did not want to talk to anyone. My husband had so much strength that I wished that I could have been like him. He called all the family members and told them what happened and prepared all the funeral arrangements. He was my rock that I could lean against during this time of pain.

On June 6, 2006 we buried our precious Angel. It was a small ceremony, with only a few close relatives and friends. Our pastor conducted the ceremony and then allowed my husband to read a poem called The Broken Chain.

It is now July 20, 2006 and I am still having a rough time dealing with all the feelings that I have about my daughter dying. I have decided to make this site for her to help other parents that are going through the same situation and might not know how they should feel.

I would like to thank my doctor for doing everything that she could to help us. She is a wonderful person and made losing our daughter a little bit easier to handle. I would also like to thank the Nurse that took pictures of my daughter, so that we would have something to remember her by. I was so drugged up and in shock that I would not have taken any and regretted it at a later time.

As you can see I wrote this shortly after Kyra's death; I had decided that I was not going to allow her death to destroy me and that I was going to do something to help other people that were going through the same thing I was. I was completely caught off guard by being told that my daughter had died and when I left the hospital I was told that there was a support group that I could go to; however they did not tell me that it was over an hour away from my home. I did a lot of research online trying to understand my feelings and figure out how I was going to survive her dying. I was determined that I was not going to be one of the many that sinks into depression and who's family falls apart. I created a website for Kyra that explains to people the different emotions that you feel after the death of a child and it also explains how people who are trying to help can successfully help.

Kyra's Website-Love Never Dies

Today it is October 14, 2007 and I can honestly say that I have survived and that my angel is always here with me. My husband is so far cancer free and God has given Kyra back to us as our guardian angel. My 3 year old, Shania, made us realize the most that Kyra was right here and all that we had to do was remember her. Shania told us the day of Kyra's funeral everything was okay, that baby was gone. Since then she has developed an interesting little imaginary friend, she is constantly talking to baby and telling her that she loves her. I do not know if Kyra is who she sees but I can definitely say that she sees someone; someone that I find comfort in believing is Kyra.

If you have lost a child to being stillborn or miscarriage, please remember that even though it hurts; the pain will eventually start fading and things will move forward. Never let anyone tell you that how you are grieving is wrong and never let anyone say "You need to move on, or why can't you get over this". Kyra's death for me was a reality that I would never want anyone to experience and unless you have endured this pain, you will never truly understand how long it takes to mourn your child.

I now can look back and understand why Kyra's was taken away so quickly from us. I realize that she was sick and that no matter how much I wanted her here with me; I did not want her here if she had to suffer. I know that when she died it was the best time for her to go, I can truthfully say I am not sure how I would have handled losing her after getting to know her. I believe that even though she died before she arrived, she has made a major impact on our lives.

Cherish who you have today because you never know where they will be tomorrow.