Dealing with the Death of a Close Acquaintance

The loss of a friend or family member is always difficult for those left behind, but it is extremely uncomfortable to deal with if you are not in the inner circle. You feel sorrow for those in emotional pain and would like to show your heart felt support to them, but is there a good way to do it?

Many of us seem to swing from one extreme to the other, from trying to make light of the situation to over spiritualizing it. In either case, you can make it harder on the person left behind. Here are a few thoughts on how to handle this uncomfortable situation with a little care and finesse.

Acknowledge the loss, but do not dwell on it.
One of the worst things you can possibly do is forcing the person to talk about it repeatedly. By the time you have heard about it, they have had to tell the story of the person's death so many times that they just want to let it go for a second. Remember that at this point they are probably still in a mild shock. Even a death that comes after a long period of illness or at a very old age still comes as a mild shock when the time arrives. We as humans are never truly prepared. At this point, the person who has been left behind has not even had time to sort out their own emotions yet.
A simple statement of support like: "I heard about the death of "enter a name and time here" and I am sorry for your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you." , is a better option. Then gently stir the conversation away from the entire situation if possible. Ask about some interest or hobby they have been dabbling in and try to see if you can get them to talk about it instead. You may get some strange looks from other people around you, but you are actually doing that person a favor by getting their mind of things for a few seconds.

Don't just talk, lend a hand!
Funeral preparations are not only expensive, but very nerve wrecking, especially when you are the one closed to the deceased. Instead of taking up a lot of time commiserating and just making it even harder, see if you can lend a hand. Sometimes a silently "working" companion is better than the "oh how are you doing, this is so horrible...blah, blah, blah" type. Again a simple and thoughtful way of asking is: "I know funerals are so much work, is there anything specific I can do to make it easier for you?"

Make a meal and bring it over!
When I grew up in Germany, we had a Tradition that if someone in our circle of Acquaintances died, we would bring them prepared Dishes for their Supper. Most of the time the last thing you think about during that time or have time for is cooking and so this is not only a nice way of support, but also a helpful one.

Simply send a Card and give them some space!
Instead of personal long visits and the putting them through yet another well meaning visit from someone they barely know, sent them a card, and if you can afford to put a check or money order in it to help towards the cost of the funeral. Please avoid overly religious sentiments or "he/she is better off now" messages. Both may be very well meant and in some cases extremely true, but they still hurt to hear. Those sort of realizations don't come until much later.

Encourage them to celebrate the person's life instead of mourning their Death.
If you do encounter that they want to talk, then try to encourage them to focus on the positive things they have been through rather than mourning their Death. Call to memory some funny things the deceased may have done, or some uplifting adventures they have been through together. Encourage them talk about positive things they have done together, rather than focusing on what is happening now. I have given orders to my family that they are not to mourn when my death comes, but rather to celebrate my life. I don't want to see tears because of me then anymore than I want to see them now. I believe that most of us feel the same way. If the belated individual was a fun loving person, who had a quick smile, a fast wit and loved to laugh, you may want to bring that to mind and encourage the healing process. We often feel obligated to tears, to dramatic shows of affection, when often it would be better to simply be.

I hope those bits of advice were helpful to you. I know that to some of you these may seem heartless, but I assure you that they are not in the least. Sometimes the overdoing of shows of "feeling" when we are really not that close come off more as "phony" or "dramatic showcasing" and can make it harder for everyone around. Nobody is going to expect you to fall apart and die of a broken heart if you barely knew the person, but if you are a friend of a friend, it is still nice to be there for the person who is grieving and hurt. Be an encouragement, not a drama queen. They may be surprised by your more casual approach at first, but in the long run they will appreciate it a lot more.