Dealing with a Difficult Daughter-In-Law

It's a story as old as time. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law tension builds and starts to deteriorate the family unit.

You steam over what she did at dinner last week and wonder why you have such a difficult daughter-in-law when you've done nothing wrong. You seethe that she's taking your son and grandchildren away from you and you never get to see them. Sure, you see the kids at least twice a week, but that doesn't count because you don't get them alone. It's all her fault.

But there are a few things your daughter-in-law can't or won't ever tell you. Read along and find out how to build a better relationship with your family.

Accept Personal Responsibility

In almost all cases, it takes two people to have a bad relationship. Your daughter-in-law may do plenty to annoy you and upset you, but it's entirely likely you are doing the same to her without realizing it. Ask her how you can help build a better relationship with her or if there are certain things that upset her. Refrain from lecturing or complaining about her behavior. Keep the conversation about what you can do.

You may not realize that she resents your long, weekly dinners and wants to build her own family unit. Or you may find she's the type of person who greatly values alone time and just isn't that interested in regular lunches and shopping outings. You might also come to find out she's very independent and she so admires your relationship with your son. As a result, she thinks you're saying she's a bad wife any time you give advice.

Remember that your daughter-in-law is not an extension of your son that has the same feelings, thoughts, and outlook. She is her own person with her own life and you need to find a way to meet on common ground, not expect her to do as your son has always done.

Appreciate Your Daughter-In-Law

You probably think your son is perfect, so if you're having issues with your daughter-in-law, remember she is your son's choice. The harder you try to resist that idea, the greater the problem becomes. Your son is a grown man and can make his own decisions, even if that means doing things you don't approve of. It is unlikely your daughter-in-law "talked him into" anything from skipping Sunday dinners to not calling as often. Your son is capable of making choices and they have their own life together now.

Make a list of all the things you genuinely like about your daughter-in-law. Even if it's just her amazing chocolate cake or how she makes your son smile. Keep jotting down reasons you admire and respect her, even if it's difficult at first. Soon you'll have the resources to see the good and not just the bad.

Don't Drop By Unexpectedly

Dropping by whenever it suits you is the kiss of death in a daughter-in-law, mother-in-law relationship. You may just want to see if she wants groceries or a hand with the gutter that's falling, but it's considered intrusive. Your best intentions may be best for yourself, but not necessarily for your son and his wife. Call first and keep it short and simple. You will be more welcome in their home if you respect their privacy and treat them like adults.

Give Her Space As A New Mother

You may be upset your daughter-in-law asked for her own mother after the birth of your grandchild and not you. Or that she doesn't want you to babysit when the baby is only a few weeks old. Your daughter-in-law is probably nervous and apprehensive about her new role as a mother. Her own mother may only be there to help cook and clean. Or your daughter-in-law may simply feel more comfortable telling her mother what to do or get upset around her than with she ever could with you. Or she may feel you hover too much and is afraid she won't get proper time to bond with her baby.

Mother-in-laws frequently feel offended that their daughter-in-laws seem to think she's never been a mother before and don't want any advice or help. But your daughter-in-law is feeling hormonal, protective, and wants to bring up her baby her own way with mistakes and all. She probably does not in any way see you as a second mother and may resent what she feels are your demands to feed the baby or look after him on a regular basis.

Offer to be there for your daughter-in-law in any way she needs, not in the way you want. It is her child and the more space and respect you give, the more she'll want you there as a doting grandmother.

Respect All Of The Rules

Whether it's no smoking in the house, taking off your shoes, not letting your grandkids eat sweets, or abiding by strict bedtime rules - follow them. Daughter-in-laws will usually let their mother-in-laws spoil the baby a little, so there will be chances to indulge. But if you completely disrespect the rules and do whatever you please, it will come off as rude and disrespectful. It will also make your daughter-in-law think you don't think she's a good mother who knows what's best for the kids.

No matter how whacky you think her rules are, there is probably a reason for it. After all, you're not the one who has to take care of the baby the next day. You've spoiled it rotten and now the baby is cranky, tired, and doesn't want to mind.

Treat Her Like An Adult

You may always look at your son like a little boy, but your daughter-in-law is a grown woman. You are both adults, and she has the right to disagree with you. Yes, she should respect you, but she should see herself as an equal, not a subordinate in her own marriage and home.

Make sure to think before you speak. Would you tell a friend, your own mother-in-law, or a sister that the dinner she made could use more broth, make comments about their taste in clothes or correct their children in front of them?

Relinquish Your Role As The Matriarch

Mother-in-laws are often surprised they are no longer calling the shots or that their input is not taken and completely unwelcome. You are not the female head of your son's household any longer. When pressed, your son will respect his wife and take her side over you and she is now his number one priority.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you've been pushed aside, it means he's a good husband and is on the same team with his wife. When your son gets married, it's time for you to step back and accept a different role.

Get Your Own Life

Many mother-in-laws make the mistake of assuming they will be an active part of their son and daughter-in-laws life. But they may not want you over every Sunday or at family vacation with the kids. Or even at the hospital during delivery of your first grandchild. It doesn't mean they don't love and respect you, but they're building their own family unit together and their ideas may be very different of what that picture looks like than you.

Keep a close relationship with them by checking-in, respecting them, and offering your unconditional support. But start your own life by getting involved in the community, starting your own business, making new friends, taking up a new hobby, or traveling more often. Make yourself fulfilled and happy, don't rely on your daughter-in-law and family to do it for you.

Understand She Loves You (Yes, Really!)

Many daughter-in-laws are cold or distant simply because they love and respect their mother-in-laws too much to tell the truth. Maybe she finds your stories about when her husband/your son was an infant inappropriate. Perhaps she feels trapped on the phone for hours when you talk. Maybe you complain too much about your own husband or another daughter-in-law and she feels put in the middle. Or maybe your long lectures about how breast-feeding is best makes her very uncomfortable and is not something she wants to do or is even able to do adequately. As a result, she shuts down and completely avoids you.

Believe it or not, your daughter-in-law desperately wants your love and respect. That's probably the reason the relationship feels strained and distant, because she sees your input and behavior as the exact opposite. Your daughter-in-law is not a daughter, but your son's wife. She's someone you raised your son to love and admire. Embrace her and watch as your relationship exponentially improves.

Think back to your own mother-in-law. What kind of relationship did you have with her and what bothered you about her?