Dealing with Divorced Parents on Your Wedding Day

Your wedding day is going to be stressful, busy and exciting - and hopefully one of the best days of your life. The last thing you need, while trying to make sure that flowers arrive, dresses stay clean, and everything starts on time, is to worry about how your parents will behave. Dealing with divorced parents within a wedding ceremony has unfortunately become very common, and it can be a whole ordeal in itself, depending on your parents and the circumstances of their split. I had to deal with my divorced parents when I got married, and thankfully everything went smoothly. But their marriage did not end on the best of terms, and there were many opportunities for disaster to strike with them being within close proximity to each other for the first time since they had gone to court. I have several suggestions for keeping everybody calm and polite, without offending one side of the family.

The most important thing to remember is that this is your day. Your parents had their wedding day, no matter how it ended, and they should remember that. The focus needs to be on you and your fiancé, not on their unresolved issues, and if they can't see this on their own you need to politely explain it to them.

Planning ahead of time is the most important step in this situation. Uncertainty about roles in the wedding, the correct place to sit, and who is paying for what all can open up the door for unpleasant encounters. If everyone is informed of the plan along the way, their stress levels will be down. You and your fiancé should sit down and talk to your parents separately. Find out what they want, what kind of roll they wish to play, and what exactly they are willing to do. It is your choice whether you consider what they say, but the foreknowledge about what they are thinking will be invaluable when dealing with them later. Will your father agree to be in pictures with your mother? Can they deal with sitting on the same pew? You would be surprised how petty someone can be about even the smallest things, and knowing what they will and won't do can help avoid a scene at the wedding. Don't let a parent pressure you into including step-family or significant others you're not close to in the ceremony. My father was engaged to a woman I barely knew when I got married, and liked to rub her in my mother's face, so I politely asked him to tell her that she needed to sit in the congregation, not in a place of honor up front. You should never be rude or petulant about this, but firm and considerate. Explain why you don't want to include girlfriends/boyfriends or various step relatives in the ceremony, and hopefully your parents will respect your wishes and back off.

If you think that your parents are mature enough to handle it, schedule a lunch date or even a meeting at your house (it is important to do this on neutral ground) and invite both parents. Tell them what you want, and the behavior you expect from them. It's your wedding, not theirs, so don't be afraid to tell them so. You should always be kind and considerate when speaking to them, but it should be made clear early on that you won't tolerate any childish behavior. Informing your parents of this ahead of time will hopefully keep them in check. I was unable to do this with my parents as my father will not speak to my mother civily in any situation, but it is important to try because it shows your parents that you expect maturity out of both of them.

This situation involves a lot of talking, so the next group of people you need to discuss the plan with is your wedding party. Explain to them what roles you want your parents to fill, and also tell them how your parents are likely behave. If one parent will insult the other whenever the chance arises, your wedding party should know this. Assigning members of your wedding party to keep an eye on your parents at the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, ceremony and reception can head off many disasters. They should never be rude or demanding, but should just be prepared to steer them in a different direction or to distract them by striking up a conversation. Telling your wedding party what topics your parents are passionate about gives them an idea of what they can say to pull their attention away from any fights or clashes.

I had a fairly relaxed wedding, so I didn't have a formal seating arrangement, but I did have "minders" set up to make sure that the two sides of my family sat away from each other. But a seating arrangement for all the events can go a long way to easing tensions. If there is bad blood between everyone, you can make sure they are out of speaking distance to at least try and keep them from throwing insults at each other. Photographers and other vendors should always be informed of your parents' separation. This helps you avoid awkward moments with your mother and father being asked to pose together, or parents refusing to be in the same picture and embarrassing you in front of everybody. Again, communication is the biggest weapon in your arsenal.

There are just a few more miscellaneous tips, one that I implemented at my own wedding that worked beautifully. Consider not having alcohol at any of the wedding related events that your parents are attending. Alcohol will impact self control, and even inflame tempers and tear open old wounds. Getting rid of it completely will cross one more thing off your list of worries. Besides, alcohol is expensive, so taking this step can ensure peace at your wedding and save you some money.

I would not suggest having "open-mic" toasts at the reception. These tend to get out of control anyway, but add alcohol and a divorce into the mix, and I'd be surprised if something embarrassing doesn't happen. Choose beforehand who you would like to speak. Make sure this is a topic brought up when you have the discussions with your parents, so you know whether they would like to give a toast or not. Also, ordering corsages or boutonnières for everyone, whether they have a spot in the wedding or will just be attending the ceremony can go a long way to smooth over rough feelings. Giving your father's new wife a corsage to wear will make her feel included and please your father, while not being seen as favoritism by your mother.

Planning a wedding and having to worry about your parents' behavior can be rough, but doing all of the steps listed in this article made a huge difference for me, and hopefully can for you. Hopefully your parents will want the best for you and will set aside their bitter feelings for just one day. The goal is to keep any fights and explosions private and away from the ceremony, so the whole process won't necessarily be pleasant or reasonable. Remember, be clear, polite, and firm - and most importantly, enjoy your big day and try not to spend all of it worrying about how your parents are going to act.