Dealing with the "Drama-Mongers"

Recently, I dealt with a situation where a friend accused me of an action I didn't do, and when I defended myself and informed them I didn't do it, they didn't believe me- and didn't accept my apology, either. This was painful for me, as I don't find apologies easy to give, and the simple act of offering the apology, for me, was an attempt to tell them how much I cared for them. I decided that because they couldn't accept my apology, I couldn't continue to be friends with them, and we haven't spoken since.

The fight that led to the apology was so stressful that I nearly ended up with a flare- certainly my shoulders and neck were painful for days. (I suffer from fibromyalgia, and it's been proven that emotional stress effects the body in people with my illness.) However, the final resolution was such a relief that I found myself wondering why I hadn't simply ended the friendship earlier, before all the fighting could get started. When it became obvious to me that the person wasn't going to accept that I hadn't done what they accused me of, why didn't I walk away? Why did I allow myself to be drawn into the battle?

Well, part of it is simply that it is human nature to want to defend yourself from accusations, and when you know you are right, it's difficult to let go and walk away from a fight. But I learned, the hard way, that I am better off walking away- and it's a lesson I won't soon forget.

How do you know when it's time to walk away?

If the friendship is more about habit than true connection and support, then it might be time to walk away. If the friendship is more of a drain on your energy than a boon to you, then it might be time to walk away. If the person is fighting with you unnecessarily, or is critical of you for no reason, it might be time to walk away. If the person draws you into unnecessary conflict- it is definitely time to walk away.

What if it's more of a grey area than that, though? What if it's a friendship that you've had for years, someone you love and trust, but you notice lately they seem to be calling you and complaining an awful lot, and you're exhausted when you get off the phone with them.

Well. It might be time to give that friend a gentle wake-up talk. A lot of people don't realize they aren't happy. It's hard to know you're not happy when you're in the middle of the situation. Then, too, you might say to yourself when you get off the phone with them, "wow, they're miserable," but they might get off the phone with you feeling like a million bucks because they've dumped all their problems in your lap! If you let them know that it's making you miserable, they might be willing to change their attitude.

Sometimes, all a friendship needs is a tune-up, like a car. A deep discussion about how you are feeling used, and feel miserable after each phone call can be all that a good friend needs to hear to know that their actions aren't good for you. And a good friend will change their attitudes right away. But if they do not- then perhaps they are not such a good friend after all, and perhaps they're someone you might need to consider sloughing, like that winter coat you hated.

Only you will really know for sure- but certainly, don't be afraid to take a hard look at your friendships, and make sure they're doing good for you and not harming you. True friendships are healthy, and are like sunshine- they're good for you as well as good to be around. When a friendship starts to not feel right, it's time to examine it and see why- and see if perhaps, it's time to let go and move on, for the benefit of both you and the other person.