Dealing with Grief: Advice for Healing from one Who has Been There

The one thing no parent should ever have to do is bury their child. I buried my son in 1992. Two years later, I buried my wife. From practical experience, I know a thing or two about grief.

If you are dealing with grief, I am sorry to say I have no magic pill that will make it go away. There are no wonderful words that I can offer that will comfort your soul and make it all better. I can only offer a bit of wisdom from one who has once been through what you are going through now and come out the other side. Please read on.

No matter what, the sun will come up tomorrow and the world will go on. Millions of other people will go about their daily lives without a hint that your world has come crashing down. This may not seem like words of encouragement but look at it like this, when it seems that it is all crushing in on you then just draw back and look at the larger picture for a moment. Take it all in, some bean farmer in Mexico or school girl in Ekwok, Alaska will have no idea what you are going through, their day is normal. You can take a little comfort in that. Their day is normal.

Next, take one moment at the time. Deal with one disaster at the time. If you are going through the grief then you are still dealing with the disasters which accompany the loss of a loved one. Deal with them one by one; do not try to deal with them all at once. You will fail.

Allow yourself time to cry but do it at a time and place of your choosing. Do not "lose it" while driving your car through rush hour traffic. All you will accomplish is ticking off a lot of commuters who have no idea what you are going through and who could care less.

Lastly, rely on God to get you through. I apologize if this upsets you, I am a Christian and only my faith got me through my "tough times." That sounds strange now because, at the time I spent a lot of time blaming God. "God, why did you take my son away?" The same God who left me a daughter and who, when I had to take that two year old daughter back to the US (my son died overseas where I was posted in the Army) by myself and was at the end of my rope, sat us next to two rows of nuns and a Catholic priest on the airliner home. For that fourteen hour flight my daughter had sixteen babysitters and I had a counselor, even though I am a Baptist. I do not know why my son died but it was not "God's doing," God does not do the bad things which happen in this world. He did not kill your loved one either. It was just their time.

There are no magic pills to cure your grief, as the song says, "only time will sooth your pain." That pain will never go away. My son died in 1992 and there are times it feels as if I held him only moments ago but, as time passes, some of the "edge" comes off. It is easier to recover from that. Do not go and do something stupid because your loved one is gone, that is how I lost my wife. She could not deal with our son dieing and she took her own life. I have spent the past fourteen years raising our daughter without her mother because of that. It was not worth it. It was a very permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Your grief will subside with time, until then, take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and trust in the Lord to get you through. I leave you with a passage, Philippians 4:6-9:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (NIV)