Dealing with an Incessant Talker

Loquacious is a word that means "exceedingly talkative"; it is a rather eloquent adjective used to describe people who don't know when to shut their traps. Such people have an uncanny knack for cornering you where there's no convenient escape route and then subjecting you to an endless barrage of opinions, gossip, and more opinions about the gossip. Don't bother to try and get a word in edgewise. Loquacious people aren't really interested in your reaction to what they say, so long as you don't try and stop them from saying it. They may be, in fact, deeply hypnotized by the sound of their own voices.

Psychologists and various counselors (divorce mediators, for example) have devised a cunning euphemism for incessant talkers. They call them "external processors". This means, basically, that such people wend their way through all the issues of their lives by verbalizing their feelings out loud. Unfortunately, this is not a feat that they can accomplish alone: they need a sounding board. The twisted irony is that they therefore seek out not equally chattering personalities but rather the quiet types, those who will be (seemingly) receptive and not prone to interrupt the inexhaustible torrent of words that the external processor holds in his or her inventory.

So what do you do about the incessant talker in your life, the one who fills your head with more gossip and personal details than you ever wanted to know? Well, if you're involved in such an unfortunate circumstance then you're probably playing the part of passive accomplice. External processors need an audience; and there is, unfortunately, no polite way to tell someone that they talk too much. Even if there were, merely expressing that opinion to someone would probably not inspire him or her to change. After all, we're talking about such a person's whole approach to life, the basic stance that they take before the world. All you can do is acknowledge that your own life is being overrun by such a person's needs, and find ways to gently extricate yourself (unless you feel comfortable with going the brazen route and telling the person to get out of your life forever - but then, you may care about the person overall, aside from this one trait).

If you express some sort of contrary opinion, this might be enough to convince incessant talkers that you're not their ideal audience. If they put forth a scandalous story about someone you know, say something positive about that person. Make it an emphatic statement, so it will shift the balance of the conversation. Some things you must avoid at all costs: nodding in acquiescence, asking questions, and murmuring agreement. Any of these things will only encourage an external processor to talk more. Let them make their point, then make your point to the contrary, and then hopefully they'll see that the conversation is not a fruitful avenue.

If all else fails, insist that a black cat is orange until they're convinced you're crazy and not worth badgering.