Dealing with the Loss of My Mother

This month on the 22^nd of February, 2010 it would make it three months that I lost my mother to Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). I miss her so very much. She was the one person I could talk to and know that she did not judge me. This past Thanksgiving was the first time I had to cook the family the Thanksgiving Feast without her. That was hard because mom never had recipes or used any cookbooks, so I had to do everything from memory. This Christmas dinner I also had to cook for the family without her for the first time. Both times I have never felt so alone in my life. Even as the family gathered to eat and on Christmas Day open presents it still felt like I was alone. I love my family but without mom it seems very incomplete. As New Years I missed her cheerful smile welcoming us into the New Year. It seems strange how a person can still fell alone when there is six sometimes nine people in the house at any given time.

I am now out of college and currently without a job due to the economy so I live in my sister's house with her husband, two daughters, and our father. While everyone is off to work and school I am usually home alone with three dogs. So I spend my days cleaning the house, cooking the meals, making sure the girls are fed and off to school, take care of the dogs, and now I am trying to figure out how to maintain a budget for a family of six. Also when spring comes I will be adding yard work to my list of chores. All of these things that I am now doing are what my mother used to do for her family. The more I do to try to fulfill my mother's shoes I am finding out how big the shoes I have to fill. I still wonder if my mother new how much we as a family truly appreciated her and everything she ever did for us.

When my mother was in the hospital I made a promise to her that I intend on keeping is that I would take care of the family and my father. I promised her I would be strong for everyone but sometimes it seems like I am unsuccessful. I find that there are days where I want to breakdown because the pain of losing her is so strong and almost unbearable. However, I am able to hold it back until no one is around to see me, which is almost never. I watch my father and how hard he has taken his loss. Sometimes I wonder if he is falling into a depression. All he wants to do is sleep and I know that is one of the classic signs. My sister also taking it hard. She is the main financial supporter for the family so she works a lot and she tries to take care of her family with what time she has. The kids and my brother-in-law seem to be the most resilient. They still have moments but they are finding it easier to move on with their lives. My sister and I are still finding it hard to move on. For instance I am afraid to get rid of my mother socks even. I know that seems strange but it is really hard.

I know that as time goes it will get easier and just by writing about how I feel about my loss and sharing with someone has helped me feel a little better. For those who have lost a loved one I want you to know that I know how it feels. I miss my mother a lot and I know my father's life is also limited. All I can say is enjoy what time you have with your friends and family because you never know what might happen tomorrow or even in the next hour. Just a couple days before my mother went into the hospital my family and I had a great big fight. Now I look back and I wish I could change what had happened that day. Especially because it was over something so insignificant. Please take my word for it. Life is too short to be fighting and arguing all the time. Just learn to forgive and forget, because you will regret not doing that someday. I really do wish my mother had died knowing we could get along as a family. We have actually changed a lot since then. We hardly ever fight anymore and we have learned to work together. After all that is what a family is supposed to do.