Dealing with the Loss of Multiples Multiple Times, Part 3

This is part three of my story, dealing with the loss of multiples, multiple times, please read 1 & 2 prior to this story.

We decided after dealing with all of that heartache, that we really needed to take a year off, and re-evaluate what we were doing. It felt like perhaps someone was trying to tell me something, like maybe It wasn't meant for us. We should just be happy with what we do have, and move on in life. I was always open to adoption? I just knew that there was always a lot of heartbreak that went along with that as well. Never any guarantees, you hear all those horror stories, and I just can't imagine going through all of that, to lose again.

We struggled, for an entire year, I had those little boxes and the little pictures, I stitched all the names, and birth dates and everything on them, so they were all perfect. I had them out too, I never put them in the closet, they were out on my bureau, those were my babies and I wasn't hiding them from anyone.

Honestly, I think the second time around was much worse for my husband. Although he is a very quiet Portuguese guy, who doesn't really wear his heart out on his sleeve. He knows heartbreak, and he knows pain. It's just that he couldn't express it, and he was having trouble expressing it to me. Friends at work had also noticed a bit of a change in him, and a lot of people would come in and ask him, hey, how's your wife doing with those triplets, because they didn't know what had happened or hadn't heard yet. That just threw him right back into the pain again, and I really thought that he needed to talk to someone about it, someone we didn't know. I called and got him in to see a therapist, a counselor, who ever she was, she was my answer. He couldn't talk to me about it, because he was afraid I would break down, he was trying to spare me. I wished he had talked to me, but it wasn't his nature. I would not force him. Whatever he and she discussed in there sessions was between them. I never knew and I never asked, I just saw him slowly coming out of this funk, which made me very happy.

A year after I lost them I called Dr. Meade, if you remember she was the doctor that saved my life and delivered my babies. She was on vacation, and they connected me to her voice mail. I left her my information, and asked if she remembered me in my message, I just wanted to find a good fertility doctor, someone who knew what they were doing.

The next day, she called me from home? I was shocked, apparently she got my message, and said to me, first thing. "Lee Ann, how could I ever forget you", "I will never forget". She said. Then went on to tell me, that she did not dabble in the fertility business. She said that my previous doctor had NO business saying he was a fertility specialist either. I believe that to be true now. But it's a little late for that. Dr. Meade was so compassionate, and so wonderful, she asked me to set up an appointment to come and see her and at least have an exam done, since I hadn't had one since delivering the babies. My appointment went smoothly and I met with her in her office after. She suggested that I go see this Dr. Samuel Pang, she said he was a specialist out of Lexington, MA that had just set up an office in the Woman's Pavilion in the Milford Hospital. We called from her office and made my first appointment. He was a very busy guy, and took me right away.

My husband and I were both required to meet with him, he needed to take a history, and requested all my medical records from my previous Doctor. When we sat down in his office, the first thing he did was apologize to us. He was the nicest most compassionate man, no wonder Dr. Meade loved him. He told me right away, he had the "perfect recipe" for me to have ONE baby. He said, you need to be pregnant with ONE baby, that's the problem here, and if we can accomplish that, he said, you will be just fine, I promise you. Well, of course I was in doubt, how could he do that when the other doctor couldn't? The first thing he put me on was the drug called Metformin, although this drug was not FDA approved for infertility, it was directly connected to my PCOS disease. We did everything he told us. EVERYTHING!!! I was taking no chances.

Our third month, our third attempt with Dr Pang, I was pregnant, with ONE embryo. This could not be happening? It was, we went for the ultrasound, and it was one baby. Perfect looking little bean. Now mind you, I was still petrified. This doctor did SO many things that the other doctor never did, that's what amazes me still. It was all hormones. My progesterone levels needed to be kept up. They did blood tests all the time to make sure my hormone levels stayed where they needed to be. No one did that before?? We were very excited and very scared.

I remember after the 12^th week getting turned back over to Dr. Meade's office. I think I called them two or three times a week, and went in to have the baby checked a million times. I cried every time I felt something. I was freaked out at this point. I was sure, I was not having this baby either. I was ready for defeat. I was trying to not get attached out of fear. They told me, they didn't care if I had an appointment or not, if I felt that I needed to come in and have them check me and the baby out, to just come in. That was very reassuring.

I had no morning sickness, no cramping, no bleeding, nothing out of the ordinary, everything was going along perfectly. I was still waiting for the bottom to drop out, and on week 20 they set us up for the ultrasound to see what we were having. I was positive it was a boy, I had convinced my husband it was a boy as well. That baby didn't want to move, it would not roll over, would not open it's legs, I had to go eat a lollipop to get this baby into a different position. I walked around, at a lollipop and went back in on the table. The baby was laying on it's back, we still couldn't see anything, and finally it rolled over, opened it's legs and me and the ultrasound technician yelled at the same time....Oh, It's a GIRL!!!! My husband was like, what? How do you know? I didn't see anything? Are you sure? We were both like OH YEAH!! Look! We tried to show him, he still didn't even know what we were looking at. Didn't believe us, convinced it was a boy. I was crying, dialing my cell phone to tell my mother!!

In November, my mother and my oldest (step) daughter Jennifer, threw me the largest baby shower I think I had ever seen in my life. It was the Portuguese club in Milford, MA, HUGE place. It was catered with a huge buffet, my mother even cooked!! It was huge. When I arrived and saw the stage, I had a rocker with ottoman up there with balloons tied on it! So beautiful, and everyone was overly generous with there gifts, I really did not have to buy one thing for this baby girl. I was overwhelmed and cried like a big baby thanking everyone.

I have to say, I was due January 23^th 2006. I had only gained 11 pounds. Which was good, because I am a heavy girl due to the PCOS. I think we made 3 trips to the ER, thinking I was in labor with Braxton Hicks contractions during the month of December and January. Finally, I could NOT take the suspense anymore, I was big, I was ready to hold my baby in my arms, I wanted this over, no more worrying, no more crying. Just please let everything go well. I saw Dr. Meade on Thursday the 19^th of January, I bawled my eyes out, told her I needed this. I needed to have this baby NOW!! I could not wait anymore, it was killing me. The baby was measured around 6lbs 12oz or so. She told me to go home and she would call me later that day.

She called, she scheduled me to come and meet her at the hospital the following morning at 10am!! We couldn't believe it.

I had a few touch and go moments with my epidural, however, they fixed it quick, at 7:10pm on January 20^th 2006, I gave birth to Madison Reese Goncalves. She was 8 pounds even, 21 inches long and had a head of hair on her, Oh my goodness, she was so perfect, so completely perfect and everything I had ever dreamed about. The nurse that actually helped with the delivery, cried with me as I held her, see it was the same nurse that was in the room delivering the triplets, so she knew and felt my pain. That first night, my husband really didn't want to leave. They wanted to take her to the nursery, and I wouldn't let them. NO WAY! She was not leaving my sight. Saturday night, they came in at 3am and said, let us take her to the nursery so you can get some sleep, so I let them. BIG MISTAKE. I couldn't sleep and I wanted her back in my room. I walked down to the nursery and demanded to have her back in my room, I was nuts.

You know what, she is 3 almost 4. She is the greatest most beautiful child. I am blessed everyday for god allowing me to have her. Seems she is going to be the only one, and we are OK with that. I persevered, I did it. I never gave up. We are a stronger couple because of what we went through, no one can tell you it can't happen. It does happen, dreams do come true!