Dealing with the Pain of Infertility

I married my husband while in my 30's, later than some women get hitched, I realize. However, I still held a longing in my heart for us to have children together. Ever since I was a child myself, I dreamed of having a husband and kids some day.

I didn't bank on life turning out in complete opposition to my "plan" for the future. The relationships I was in, before I met my husband, were with commitment-phobic men and I got injured emotionally by a few of them. I settled into my profession as a teacher, looked after two parents and a grandmother that I had to watch die and began to think that I was fated to be pretty much on my own.

Meeting and marrying my husband was a huge blessing in my life. With that marriage came four great stepchildren, but all of them were adults, so I didn't get the chance to see them grow up. I have five stepgrandchildren, but we don't get to see them all that often , because we live so far away from them.

My husband was reluctant, at first, regarding the idea of us having children of our own, but he began to warm up to the possibility of us conceiving a baby and we made every effort to get the wheels rolling, so to speak.

Despite our trying, we were unable to "make a baby". Then I started getting symptoms of pregnancy, so much so that we were sure what we desired had finally come to pass. i was so excited that I went out and bought two different home pregnancy tests. I started rehearsing in my mind all the things I would do during my pregnancy, how I'd adjust after the baby was born, wondering what kind of mother I would be. Imagine my devastation when both tests were negative. This scenario was repeated on other occasions, until we finally concluded that we were unable to have a child.

I know I should have resigned myself to this reality, but I have all these maternal feelings, with no place to satisfy them. Sometimes I see mothers with their children at the park, in the grocery store, everywhere I look and, while I don't begrudge them the blessing of having kids, I feel sad that I am not in their ranks. I never go to church on Mother's Day, because I tend to get pretty depressed on that day. It's not just because my mother is gone now, but

because I am not a "real" mother. I have a pleasant relationship with my stepkids, but they don't call me "Mom" or "Mama" or "Mommy" or any of those titles I have always longed to hear.

If you have also suffered infertility, then you will know what I am talking about.

Here are some suggestions I've gotten from others that might help you deal with it, as well:

Realize That Anger Is Normal

It is not unusual to go through bouts of anger, regarding your infertility. Many of us have always thought that getting pregnant automatically followed getting married and when that expectation is frustrated by infertility, we feel disappointed. You may get angry at God sometimes or angry at the women you see on the news who've abused their kids when you would give all you could to have a child or angry at 50+-year-old women giving birth when you can't and, finally, angry at yourself for being "inadequate".

Don't deny your anger, but admit it, face it and then learn how to put it aside. This is not an overnight thing. I still deal with this some days, but I am getting better.

Find A Good Support Group

Friends who already have kids, though well-meaning, don't know what to do to help you, so they end up saying things, like "You don't know how lucky you are not to have all that responsibility!" or "Kids can be such a pain sometimes that I wish I was in your shoes!" or countless other insensitive things that serve only to make you feel worse.

Find other women who have gone through your same experience. Knowing you are not alone can help make a big difference and being able to share your feelings with women who know what you are going through gives you a welcome outlet to express yourself honestly.

Find a infertility support group in your local area or find an online support group, just don't try to keep everything inside or continually put up the proverbial brave front.

Seriously Consider Adoption

Every infertile woman I know has been given this suggestion. It's the standard response people give when you tell them you were not able to conceive.

In the beginning, I was resistant. This is because I was adopted myself and, although I had great parents, I always wanted to have my own children one day, to experience the physical feelings of carrying a child and giving birth. I can still remember the thoughtless remarks of people commenting on how good it was that my parents treated me almost as if I were their "real" child and how insignificant that made me feel.

Adoption, though, is not a bad thing for you to consider and I have been warming up to the possibility lately.

There are a lot of children who long just as much to have a mother as you long to be a mother and adoption doesn't carry the stigma is once did. You may even want to think about adopting kids who are a little older, like 5-years-old and above, since they are more difficult to place and have the greatest need.

Discuss with your spouse if this is an acceptable option- emotionally, physically and financially- for you Talk with people who have adopted children and find out the specifics of what you have to go through in order to adopt.

Think About Becoming a Foster Parent

Unlike adoption, foster parenting involves taking in children for a shorter length of time who need a temporary place to stay.

This is something you should only consider, if you are emotionally capable of being able to deal with getting attached to kids you will eventually have to let go of, as they move on to other homes in the foster care system.

While I am not ready for this, I have a good friend who has taken in foster children and she finds it very rewarding. She enjoys the fact that she is able to offer structure, stability and love to kids who really need it, even if it only lasts a few months at a time.

If it's okay with your husband to do this, then contact your local Social Services agency and find out the requirements and how to get things started.

Volunteer

You may give thought to volunteering some time to a children's charity or offering to go to a local hospital's children's ward and read to the kids there or do whatever is needed to help cheer them up.

Helping others is still the best way to get past your own feelings of loss and knowing that you can bring joy to children, in at least one capacity, will give you a better sense of importance.