Dealing with the Shame Associated with Sexual Abuse and Incest

These are strong and powerful words that are spoken far too many times into a child's mind and heart. As a young girl, I recall hearing these very words many times. Shame was not something that needed to be spoken into me. I already had more than enough shame due to the incestual abuse. I was so filled up with shame I could hardly live and yet those harsh words continued to spew from my mother's mouth.

Shame is a horrible thing for any child to deal with. It is a horrible thing for even an adult, but much more-so for a young and impressionable child. Shame can be described as being disgraced, dishonored, de-valued or condemned. Shame can be genuine and deserved as a temporary emotion, but there is also a false shame that is heaped upon an individual who does not deserve it. Child abuse in any form, but especially in sexual abuse and incest is a form of false shame and the cause of toxic shame.

Therapist John Bradshaw describes toxic shame as shame that takes over a person's identity. When a person begins to see themselves as flawed, believes that something is wrong with them, then they are into toxic shame. John Bradshaw states that, "Toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with."

We now have a good understanding of what toxic shame is and how it happens. The question now is how to overcome it. How does a person who has grown up under the constant barrage of belittlement, degradation, humiliation and shame ever come out from under the lies and see themselves for the truly beautiful person that they are and always have been?

I was such a person. At the time, I did not know what it was called. I had never heard the term "toxic shame". I just knew that I never had any real sense of worth. I was always ashamed of who I was as a person. I felt as if there were something terribly wrong with me. These are the thoughts that played over and over in my mind: "Why else would my parents abuse me in such a horrible fashion if they had not seen some flaw in me that I could not see? I surely must be a very bad and worthless person."

On top of always being told I should be ashamed, I was carrying a heavy load of toxic shame.

It has taken a lot of years of hard work for me to come out of this deeply ingrained shame. Layer by layer the lies that I was taught started unraveling. As I faced the truth of my abuse, allowed other people to come alongside me and help me see things as they are really are and not as I had been taught, I finally saw that I had been terribly abused and lied to over and over again. There was nothing wrong with me. The wrong was on the inside of my abusers, not me. That truth and realization seeps in slowly to the mind of an abuse victim. However, once the truth begins to flow in, there is nothing that can hold it back. The trickle soon becomes a river of truth and we finally are able to see that we are and have always been a worthwhile person. There is nothing wrong with the way we think or speak. There is nothing wrong with the way God created us to be. The only thing wrong was the abuse.

God has given us a promise and it is one that I still stand on today. It is a very beautiful scripture found in Isaiah.

"Instead of your shame, you will have double honor, and instead of confusion they will rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land, they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs." Isaiah 61:7 NKJ

This is God's promise to every survivor of sexual abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and spiritual abuse. His word is true and does not lie. His words of truth and promise will help break the bonds of shame that bind us up in chains of deception and lies. You truly can be set free from toxic shame. If you have not seen a therapist, find a good one. Read books that deal with the subject of toxic shame, and get into God's word for yourself and see what HE has to say about you. As for me, I am open to that double honor and everlasting joy that He has promised!

Sources:

Healing the Shame that Binds You - John Bradshaw
http://www.my-counseling-site.com/index.html