Dealing with the Teenage Entitlement Attitude!

Think back for a moment to a time when your kids were still little. Do you remember those difficult years you thought you would not be able to survive? How about the terrible two's, the difficult beginning of school years, the evil twin beginning of teen years, and now with only a few months left until your son or daughter are going to be out on their own you feel as if you just don't know this person anymore.

What did you really think that is just in your home? Yes, your son or daughter are in their own ways good, they may not cause too many problems, don't drink or do drugs (hopefully) and haven't managed to get any one pregnant or have become pregnant yet. You feel almost guilty each time you take a deep breath when the kid is walking out of the room, but the reality is that you just can't stand their attitude any more.

Have you noticed that the closer the 18^th Birthday is coming, the more frequent and almost horrible your arguments are getting? Is it even more difficult to get your kid to do anything now that may be construed as "work" or "a chore"? On the other hand they are right there when there is something to be gained, some extra money for fun etc.

You did teach them manners, how to be responsible, how to help out without being told, but now suddenly it all seems to have been forgotten. You have reached the Age of entitlement! For some reason the closer they get to becoming Adult the more they feel it perfectly ok to act like ungrateful and extremely uncooperative children. The idea that they are almost adult seems to run rampant and after all being taken care off is their right! Well, at least that is what they seem to think.

The reality is that at this point, no matter how much you love him/her, you are now counting days until you can send them with good conscious out into the world and on their own. Not because you are tired of loving and caring for them (you will do that until the day you die), but because you are now tired of the constant struggle.

So how do you survive those last few months without either resorting to extreme measures or going completely insane?

#1 Set some adult sized ground Rules and stick to them.

As an adult you learn one thing rather quickly, nobody is going to give you anything for free. If you are not willing to work hard for what you want and need, you will find yourself without. Instead of doing everything for them or giving them big expensive presents just to get them off your back, teach them the value of hard work and a dollar.

Instead of buying your teenager that expensive car for graduation, how about matching them Dollar for Dollar on what they have earned and saved towards their new car. This will help them learn you have to earn what you want and still give them that little helping hand you as a parent feel the need to give. Remember, that after you buy that car, they still need to be able to pay for the insurance, maintaining the vehicle in good condition etc. Understanding how expensive a car really is from the beginning may just do them a world of good. Likewise chores around the house are not something that should be optional. Once they have a home of their own, they will have to know how to keep a household. Are you really doing them a favor by making sure everything is done for them? Rotate the work in your home and make sure the young adult is responsible for everything in turn from time to time. That includes cooking dinner, doing dishes, going grocery shopping on a budget, making a grocery list and menu for the week, doing the laundry for the family, cleaning the bathrooms etc. You get the point.

#2 You better be big enough to back that big mouth up!

This may rattle a few feathers in this time and age, but the truth is that when you are an adult and get mouthy with other adults you might just be called to back that big mouth up. I find it extremely disturbing when I watch a teenager pushing his/her mother or father around because of misguided attitudes. I am sorry but there is a difference between abuse and discipline. You are not required, nor should you be willing to take physical, mental or emotional abuse from your child. Years ago one of my older daughters decided to call me out one day and figured she could stand toe to toe with me. Her physical stance and attitude was of one that was itching for a physical alteration. Couple that with the fact that she was about 4 inches taller then me, she thought that she could now bully me and make me back down. Now I have seen things like that happen in many different places between other parents and their children and due to the attitude towards lenient parenting the kid ended up either hurting or walking all over the parent. Nobody wants to have the authorities called on them. In our case, my daughter learned a very quick lesson. I pulled myself to my full height, placed my hands on my hips, looked level at her and asked her if she really wanted to do this with me. I explained to her in very quiet and measured tones that if she would not back away from me and adjust that stance and attitude, I would treat her like any adult that is trying to attack me. I started counting backwards from five to one, but the time I reached two her stance changed, her eyes lowered and she apologized. By showing her that I was not going to accept this sort of disrespectful behavior anymore from her then I would from any other person, and making her aware that she was now coming at me as an confrontational adult and explaining the possible consequences to her in a calm manner, I made her realize that she wasn't going to get anywhere with me that way. By putting it the way I did, it also thought her the valuable lessons that if you want to bully someone, you may just be called to back that threat up. Some of us don't like bullies. And in case you wonder what would have happened if she would have attacked me, I would simply have disabled her attack and held her to the ground. No more or less.

#3 Take time out for yourself and start adjusting to your spouse and you coming first.

While the kids are little we train ourselves rightfully to put their every need (not want) first. We literally live our lives around them, now as they have turned 17 Years old and are getting daily closer to their own Adulthood; we too have to undergo an adjustment. For most of us there is nothing more difficult then to let those apron strings drop and learning that soon our fledgling is going to fly, leaving our Nest to be empty of their presents. If this is your youngest or only child, you may want to start slowly adjusting to being husband and wife again instead of mommy and daddy. Instead of thinking of your youngsters enjoyments first, you may want to start learning to be a bit more selfish again and do something wonderful for yourself and each other. Take time to yourself and set the couple rules back into affect. I am sure you used to have your own personal "couples" attitudes and rules before the baby came along. Do you remember what it was used to be like? Start reclaiming some of those wonderful special times. (Only if they were healthy of course, if drugs, alcohol or foolish recklessness was part of it you may want to make up some new ones)

#4 Set down some "return Rules" with your kids

So your kid is looking at their own Apartment now, are talking about going out on their own and are making plans with their best buddies about their new cool live. Nobody ever things about what happens if things go wrong. Have an honest talk with your kids and set down some "return Rules". Will you allow them to move back in after they have moved out on their own? If yes, how long will you give them to lick their wounds? Will you be willing to help them out financially if they can't make ends meet? What if they fall on their face and have a non-married significant other? Will you allowed them both to be with you or are you going to let them know that "shacking up" is not acceptable in your house? Don't wait until they are out to set some ground Rules about those things, but do it before they even move out.

#5 "You can't order me around anymore; I am almost 18 Years old"

Here comes the sentence nobody ever wants to hear, but they all need to learn. Until you pay your own bills, in your own house, you will listen to my Rules and you will respect them and me. Just because someone is closer to being an adult isn't an excuse for them to be less respectful then at a younger age. You want to live your own life and stop listening to my orders? Be my guest, I will start charging you rent and you can provide for your own food. Oh and those "silent hour Rules" still go, because they will go in your own Apartment as well.

#6 Put up a Calendar and mark down the days!

Sounds horrible, but on those days when my daughter and I fight like cats and dogs and the 2^nd World War seems more civil in comparison it actually helps the both of us to just look at our Calendar and mark down the days until this part of our Relationship is over. Acknowledge and understand that both of you (kid and parent) can't wait until the time is up. Not having to hide it from each other might actually do both of you some good.

#7 If you are spiritual, religious, etc.... sit down and pray!

It may sound funny, but sometime going to your own "father" or "mother" with your problem and just cry at his/her feet can be a bit of relieve. Just remember, that endless people have been there before you and who knows how many more after you will have to go through this phase with their kids. If you believe in a higher power, then you can trust in one thing. He/she has heard and seen it all before. So go ahead, ask for help with patients, strength and understanding. It won't hurt you any to unburden your mind to someone that will not judge you.

The fights right now may be horrible, but I want you to remember that this is all normal. It is just another period of testing the limits and as "Alice Cooper" so wisely pointed out this is a very confusing time for our kids as well. Take a deep breath and just do the best you can and look forward to the day when your can both miss each others company.