Dealing with Unreasonable Jealousy in a Relationship

Dealing with unreasonable jealousy in a relationship can be quite a challenge. It would be nice if every relationship started with a clean slate. However that is rarely the case and each person in a relationship has their own share of baggage. This can mean dealing with what is often unreasonable jealousy. There are different reasons why this unreasonable jealousy may occur, and it is important to work through the issues as a couple before it causes permanent damage to your relationship. Trust is one of the fundamental necessities of a solid relationship, and jealousy indicates a lack of trust which makes it detrimental to the future of the relationship unless it is dealt with early on.

Many times jealousy is not so much a personality trait in one partner or the other. Jealousy is usually a learned behavior that has grown over time when a person has been cheated on, lied to, or otherwise mistreated in a relationship. Jealousy can also stem from abandonment issues which leave the person feeling unwanted and unloved so much so that they are extremely jealous of any time their partner spends with anyone else. This jealousy doesn't just pertain to members of the opposite sex, it can also involve family and friends that the person feels is taking their partner away from them.

Insecurity is the root of jealousy in one way or another. To deal with unreasonable jealousy which can lead to alienation, isolation and even abuse it is important to address the issue which is causing the jealousy. You can't take away the hurt that someone in the past has caused your partner. All you can do is show and tell the person that you are a different person, you place a higher value on your relationship and that you want to help them feel secure and loved. The show part is the most important part of this step. Anyone who has trust issues knows that a person will tell them whatever they want to hear, but are afraid that their actions will show differently. So make sure that you can live up to the promises you make and don't destroy hard won trust. It is imperative that you be completely transparent in your behaviors.

Getting angry with your partner for an emotion that they can't control is unfair and is not the understanding and reassurance they need to work through the baggage that leads to the unreasonable jealousy. Deep seated fears and emotions from the past are at the root of the jealousy and you can't just reason that away. It takes time and understanding to work through the hurt and anger that has built up into a jealous monster within your partner, and it takes even more effort to change the feelings that trigger the jealousy.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has unreasonable jealousy issues it is always a good idea to suggest a relationship counselor to help you work through these problems together. Jealousy can easily turn to rage and abuse. If your relationship has come to that point you have a tough decision to make about how to handle it. You could walk away, as others probably have before, or you can work with your partner and get counseling to learn better how both of you can cope with the jealousy and prevent any future abuse situations.

There is no "right" answer, you have to make a decision that works for you, and if you decide to try to work through it you must be prepared for all sorts of little tests of your trustworthiness, your loyalty and your dedication. The main thing is that before unreasonable jealousy can be dealt with it must be identified, accepted and addressed as a problem. Then if both partners choose to work through the issues they can begin to build a trusting relationship.

If your partner won't admit to having unreasonable jealousy or refuses to see it as a problem in the relationship then you're probably not going to be able to get them into counseling, or even be able to have a reasonable discussion about the problem. At that time, it may be best for you to move on and find someone more willing to be a committed partner in a relationship.

Working through unreasonable jealousy can be done, and your relationship can be built into a solid foundation for the future, but it takes work, effort, vulnerability and an amazing amount of love and understanding. Many people give up before the rewards are seen, preferring to search for a partner who isn't "broken", sadly this leads to more unreasonable jealousy in the partner left behind to be a hurdle in their next relationship.

We are all human, none of us is perfect and we all have some form of baggage that affects our new relationships. How we handle that baggage is what determines how successful we are in our relationships.

Sources: Author Experience, 'Therapy with Couples' by Michael Crowe and Jane Ridley