Dean & Dave at Easter

So there we were, me and Dave (no, the other Dave). We were on our way to the mall to check out the Bed, Bath & Beyond. We were kind of unclear as to what that might entail. After all, beyond is a sort of open ended concept. For all we knew beyond could mean that the store was full of half-naked dancing girls. We weren't really expecting that mind you, but what the hell, a boy's got to dream.

Anyway, there we were, wandering through the mall, two proud examples of the American consumer. I stopped by the Tinderbox cause I needed to check out the Zippos. I had lost mine about a week ago in an ugly incident involving some Hare Krishnas and the Sunday paper. I couldn't hack using that pathetic Bic any longer so I was in the market. Dave continued on to check out a sale at Radio Shack, Dave's a geek you see. He covers it up well enough mind you, and the chicks don't seem to notice, but a geek is what he is. I've seen him get all worked up over a sale on rewriteable CD's at Fry's.

As I watched the Zippos spin around in their glass case I thought how nice it was to finally have a quiet day without having to deal with any ugliness. Dave and I are really pacifists at heart. Sure we get into the occasional scrape now and then, but we never initiate them. We just want to be left alone to live our quiet little lives. So we tend to be a tad indiscriminate in the marital status of the women we chat up. Does this make us bad guys? The way their husbands react you'd think it does.

So there I was, lost in my reverie, when Dave comes running up all out of breath. He started babbling about being attacked by a giant rabbit over by the food court and making no sense whatsoever. I had to smack him upside the head with the display case six or seven times before we would calm down and tell me what had happened.

When he came to, he told me he had been making his way to the Hot Dog on a Stick to watch the girls make lemonade. He wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing (Dave gets that way when he's thinking about the girls in the funny hats jumping up and down on lemons) and he bumped into a passer-by. Now Dave is a polite guy and naturally was going to apologize. Before he had a chance, the guy he bumped into had given him a shove and uttered a profanity at him. So now Dave is mad and he's ready to tell this guy where he can go and how to get there (helpful guy that Dave). When he looks up though, it's a giant rabbit. Pink fur, big blue eyes, whiskers and tasteful little vest ensemble (Dave notices the details). Naturally Dave is taken aback by this turn of events. Before he has a chance to gather himself the rabbit smacks him and swears at him again. Now Dave is no coward, but when you have seven foot tall rabbits beating on you, you need to get out of there to regroup.

So Dave is telling me all of this and I have on my best concerned friend look. Of course all the while I'm wondering what size net it's going to take to cart this loon away from here. Just then the rabbit comes strolling in front of the Tinderbox, whistling a happy tune and being followed by a gaggle of preschoolers. Dave then makes his worst possible move. He goes rushing out of the store and jumps the bunny from behind. This would have been traumatic enough for the kids even if it wasn't accompanied by Dave screaming the bluest stream of profanity I think I've ever heard. To his credit, the bunny handled the situation masterfully. With one move he plucked Dave off his back and tossed him in the wishing fountain. Dave was up in a flash and would have gone after the rabbit again if I hadn't caught him with a body tackle that sent both of us splashing around in that stupid little pond. (though I did pick up five bucks in quarters)

Dave was furious at this point. He was screaming after the rabbit and his posse of terrified children. I had to slap him again to calm him down. Thank God I still had a fistful of change or he may never have stopped screaming. I got him properly mellowed and patiently explained that this was probably the last mall in a fifty mile radius that we were still allowed to patronize. I also pointed out that the mall might frown on us getting involved in a brawl with one of their employees. Dave said that the bunny was probably an independent contractor and anyway he had started it. I had to hit him again, not because he was hysterical mind you, but the contractor comment was really unnecessary. I slowly laid out the situation for my obtuse friend. Yes, the bunny needed to be taught a lesson. No, we couldn't do it here at the mall. I was not going to risk my shopping privileges over some belligerent...rabbit. Dave instantly saw the logic to my argument and assured me that he would be happy to wait for a more appropriate time for his satisfaction.

That night as we waited outside for our furry friend I marveled at our good sense and maturity. A short time ago we would have attacked the offending rabbit with immediate and overwhelming force. Now though we were calmly waiting for him in a not-so-public place so that we could attack him with delayed yet still overwhelming force. We were making progress, Dave and I.

We didn't have a very long wait at that. Less than fifteen minutes after we had settled in, our friend the bunny came strolling out of the mall's employee entrance. (We knew where this was because I once had a torrid romantic liaison with a stock girl at Victoria's Secret, we were very much in Love...regardless of what the restraining order said). Here is the weird thing, he hadn't removed the bunny getup. He was even still wearing the huge furry head. Maybe it was part of the contract, so that no little kids would see a big, headless rabbit walking around smoking a cigarette. Maybe he was just a sick bastard, I don't know and I didn't really have time to ponder it, as Dave was moving towards our furry friend in an alarming manner.

The bunny saw us coming, which was not part of the plan, and you could tell by the body language he was ready for us. He caught Dave square with a big Easter basket that he was carrying and Dave went down, whimpering about eggs. He lunged at me but I was able to sidestep him and bring an elbow down on the back of his neck, hard. That should have stopped him, it really should have, that same move had crumpled a drunken leprechaun like a cheap suit less than a month before (it's a whole different story). This damned rabbit though, he just shrugged it off like I'd smacked him with a pillow.

Now I was worried. Dave was on the ground and you could tell he was pretty much down for the count. The rabbit was circling me, those damned ears bouncing, cursing in ways I had never thought possible. It was time for something different, well actually it was time for something old and reliable, I ran like hell. For some reason this must have pissed the rabbit off even more, he completely ignored Dave (who had started this whole damned mess) and took off after me.

This was not good, I had started the day wanting only to find a decent cigarette lighter and now I was being chased by a 7' tall rabbit with murderous intent. I have had better days. To top it all off, the freak was gaining on me even though he still hadn't removed the head of his costume, this was getting embarrassing.

I swiveled my head as I ran, desperately looking for a way out of this mess. Happily for me I was used to situations such as this and didn't panic. That is the first rule of being chased by large fictional creatures, never panic. Another point in my favor was the fact that Dave was up again. Luckily, his rage had gotten the better of his logic and he was running down the bunny like a hound chasing down a . . . a . . . fox.

I started a shallow turn designed to bring long ears back towards the car, specifically the trunk of the car. His peripheral vision wasn't all it could be in that rabbit head so he failed to notice Dave stalking him and gaining ground. I got to the trunk and popped the latch while holding the trunk lid down. I wasn't ready to share the contents with Bugs just yet. The bunny skidded to a stop in front of me and let go with both a wild haymaker and a stream of profanity, one of which I ducked, the other I ignored. I came back with a knee to his "pellets" that should have left him gasping, but appeared to just piss him off more.

This guy was obviously doing hardcore psychedelic drugs to withstand this sort of a beating. I had landed enough shots to bring down a small elephant and all he was doing was laughing, that weird muffled laughter of an insane, drug fiend in a rabbit costume. Lord knows I had heard enough of that growing up. I was shocked that the mall had allowed this obvious sociopath to interact with children. This was more than revenge now, it was a public service.

Dave finally arrived and caught the crackhead just behind the ear (the real one, not the costume ear) with a 36 ounce Louisville Slugger Pro Model. That staggered him. I moved in with a couple of kicks and he went to his knees, still giggling like the nut job he was. Dave wound up and gave him shot between the ears (the costume ones) that finally dropped him.

We figured we didn't have much time. I opened the trunk and Dave started the duct taping while I got the foam insulation ready. Once the head was duct taped on solidly I inserted the nozzle into the back of the suit. Dave cranked open the valve and the loon went from rabbit to Michelin man in about 20 seconds. He came to just as the insulation was hardening and he thrashed about in the backseat the whole way to the police station. We slowed down and Dave pushed onto the curb as I roared away into the night.

We had gotten our revenge and saved the children the horrors of this drug sucking loser's attentions. All in all it was a successful night for Dave and I as we retired to our local tavern for a couple of scotches and some midget darts. It wasn't until the next week that I noticed the item in the newspaper about the crazed lunatic in a rabbit suit that had busted up a local police station and put half a dozen cops in the hospital. Turns out they cut him out of the foam and the suit and he had gone completely insane. They said it took a dozen shots with the tazer before they got him subdued. Serves them right though. The first rule of dealing with raving lunatics, wearing a bunny costume, filled with quickset foam insulation and wrapped in duct tape, never cut them loose. I thought everyone knew that.