Dear Dogs and Cats: A Letter to the Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your pet food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for my food becoming yours, nor do I find it appetizing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a Racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a California king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. However, I will not begin sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. Also, sticking tails out and letting tongues hang to maximize space is completely unnecessary and more than a little self-absorbed.

And pets, for the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to shut the door, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- dog or cat attendance is not required.

The proper order for any greeting is to kiss me first, then go and sniff the butt of your four-legged dog or cat friend second. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit this house and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.