Dear Internet Troll

Recently I've become aware of an epidemic of internet trollism. If you are not familiar with trolls, then clearly you are not a writer, blogger, youtuber, etc. For the benefit of those who do not know, a troll is a cowardly, pathetic, life-form that anonymously posts poorly constructed criticisms of people's work on the internet. These people don't use their real names, show their faces, or include any contact info because they think of the internet as a secret identity where they don't have to be the ugly, middle-aged, overweight, WOW playing, sad virgins that they really are. Most people, when faced with a troll, become defensive and point out that said troll is nothing more than a sad little nerd who should have been aborted. Some might say that web trolls are nothing more than societal pin-worms, cultural cockroaches, the pubic lice of the internet, etc. Some people say all kinds of nasty things in response to these trolls, but I think it's best to look at the positive. Responding to negativity with negativity gets us nowhere, so I've decided to write an open letter to our troll friends focusing on the positive.

Dear Troll,

I understand that life isn't easy for people like you, and that the pathetic semi-human you are today is the direct result of how you were treated growing up by the intelligent and athletic kids in school. I know it must have been difficult growing up knowing your mother never loved you, and that weird uncle only wanted you for your body. I know that people talk bad to you because you are slow and weird looking, but don't let that get you down. I want you to know that I value you as a person Mr. Troll. Even though no one likes you and your cats only pretend to because they don't have thumbs to open their own fancy feast, I appreciate you. Even though you will surely die alone in the midst of a World of Warcraft battle with your triple chin coated in a fine layer of cheeto dust as the world goes on shedding not a single tear for your demise, I still think you're just swell. Why? because what you may not understand is that when you take the time troll my work, you're giving me page views, which means more money for me. So when you take the time to tell me I suck, what you're really saying is "here's a dollar." So I have to say...Thank You Troll. It's a pleasure doing business with you.