Dear Rachel Ray,

Hi. How are you doing? Really...oh that's pretty funny. You're so funny. I saw you on TV today. You were wearing a gray turtleneck with a pink belt and an amazing pair of jeans. The type of jeans that a girl wears to tell a guy that she wants to run away to Montana with him and raise ferrets. The type of jeans that would answer the age-old question of "who would win in a fight - a cannoli or a pit viper".

But I digress Rachel Ray. Today, you were making homemade Macaroni and Cheese with an adorable tomato and ham casserole. It was adorable. But not nearly as adorable as you are in all those Dunkin Donuts commercials. You know the ones where you amend the English language with words like "delish"? Now that is f-ing adorable!

Someday, I think we should take a road trip together in a white convertible Cadillac. We could do a bunch of recreational drugs and have relations in the middle of the desert while the jackrabbits and coyotes get jealous. Then we can imagine that the night creatures will fly down and get us while we sleep, naked, in the trunk of the Cadillac with only a 3 iron separating us. Then, when we wake up the next morning, we can drive to Nebraska and punch deaf kids in the stomach and blame them for the downfall of Sesame Street. "OSCAR THE GROUCH IS AN INNOCENT VICTIM OF YOUR HENIOUS DEAF-KID HATE CRIMES" we could yell and then you can make all of them adorable egg plates and cranberry muffin arrangements.

Oh, Rachel Ray. Just imagine what it will be like for me to fall asleep on your plump and jubbly* behind. Rachel Ray, I'll be honest with you. I'm not as much a fan of you or your cooking or adorable words as I am of your plump and jubbly behind. It's the type of behind that, combined with the beforementioned jeans, can cure cancer, find Osama Bin Laden, hault the impending recession that will likely cripple this country and put a lot of people in a bad way, and force the Earth to open up and swallow the Red Sox.

(*-The term "plump and jubbly" was created by Daniel Jeffrey Boyne, aka Hero Like Things, and can only be used with the express written consent of the late Spot the dog, who died from a liver disease brought on by Natural Ice.)

Well, that's about it Rachel Ray. Thank you for being adorable. And also, could you thank your plump and jubbly behind for being so plump and jubbly. That thing is just so Gosh Darn beautiful. It would make straight women and queer men want to try out chicks for a night.

Thank you. Thank you Rachel Ray and your adorableness.

Sincerely,

The Kid.