Dear Santa

Check this out you fat, over dressed bastard. I've been writing to you for more than 30 fricken years. Didn't you get the memo from James Brown to go straight to the ghetto? You would have found me there the first few years of writing.

Yeah I know my parents moved a lot and then I joined the military and did a lot of traveling. But you have absolutely no excuse for the past ten years. I've been in Texas since 1998!

Yes, I have moved 4 times since I got here. But damn it's still Texas! It's not like when I left Japan and went to the Philippines and then Korea and then Guam and then Hawaii and then South Carolina and then Panama and then Saudi Arabia. THAT was excessive. But you could have tracked me down in the fricken METROPLEX! Hell, I've been on the fricken evening news several times this year alone and was on the radio for three consecutive years!!!! NO EXCUSES!

So listen up. I'll let the pony ride in the Swiss Alps go (I was a strange child) if you would just deliver on one of the following.

1. Mercedes 550 SL - Metallic Diamond White with a stone interior. Bose speaker system with XM Sat. I would prefer the panorama roof. Oh, and make the wheels pretty. I don't know much about "dubs" but . . . reference a Lil Wayne song and run with it.

2. 50 pound weight loss - You can get me a Bowflex. The last time I was able to take that much weight off I had Cholera. That damn near killed me! Let's stick with something that will have lasting effects and will keep me on this earth to enjoy my Benz.

3. A Gold American Express - Okay, this one may be complicated. But if you work your magic and get me the agent and publisher I need for my book, I can get and advance, clear up my credit and obtain this privileged piece of plastic my damn self. See, I'm not asking for anything unreasonable.

4. An Agent and Publisher for Nuggets - You know I've been writing for years. You know I've entered contests, queried major authors, artists and public figures. You know I have not been sitting idle with this thing. So, get off of your fat ass and do something!!! Sorry for the name calling but I have cramps and seeing that my period may be all I get for Christmas I have earned the right to cuss! AGENT - PUBLISHER! NOW!!!

5. A Husband - MY OWN damn it! I do not need any more slack jawed jackasses crowding my space trying to complicate my world. I am worthy of a good, kind hearted man who has his head on right, is gainfully employed, can be the motivating force that I will be to him and if he's hung like donkey Kong . . . that's just a bonus I'll have to deal with. But would you please work on this already! Oh, he needs to have his own kids cause this shop is closed for those duties. And I would love it if they are grown and attending college abroad (their mother too).

6. A Home - I know somebody showed you my "Hey God" story. A sista has been struggling for a minute. And now I'm living in a (meaning one) room of a kind hearted citizen who did not want to see me homeless. Again, if you can work #4 I can get this one too. I'm not asking for the Taj Mahal. But more than one room would be really be great. I'm very thankful to have a roof over my head. But, Santa, I'M A GIRL!!! Man, everything is still in boxes. I can't find my shoes. I'm lucky I don't have pneumonia cause the temps dropped to 20 and I still have no fricken idea where my coat is!

So, the bottom line seems to be contingent upon you being able to make #4 work. I have faith in you. And Santa, I'm sorry about the fat comment. I know that most of that weight is stress related. I mean, for the love of all that is holy, you're flying around the planet with reindeer shitting in your face. That can't be fun.

We do appreciate all that you do. But, check this out. Maybe Ms. Claus can get the Queer Eye guys to do a makeover for you. I think they could get someone to trickout your sled so that you could have shitproof shields in front of you. AND, I'm guessing you could get your own bowflex and they could teach you some moves to tighten your core. Cause you know all that middle fat makes you prone to heart disease. HEY, I'm just looking out for you.

Oh, and on a selfish note, could you step up the Peace on Earth process? Too many people are walking around just asking to get their asses kicked with these jacked up attitudes. They act like YOU'RE the reason for the season and they're the co-stars!

So, Merry Christmas to you and your's up there in the NP. I'm sure I'll be asleep when you stop by so just leave everything on the front porch. The neighborhood I'm in is nice and quiet.

Last thing Santa . . . don't forget to go straight to the ghetto. There's a child there who just wants a book filled with pictures. She's 8 years old and has dreams of seeing the world. No one in her neighborhood believes the places she dreams about exsist. Just one book can make a world of difference.

Sincerely,

Gail