Dear Santa

This year I put a bucket next to the chimney. No need to dirty up the designer stockings hanging from the mantel piece. Since surely you've got your secretary (am sure Mrs. Claus doesn't mind the sexy elf that seems to always be underfoot, is that a red lipstick stain on your beard?) running around helping you check that list twice, I just wanted to remind you that I've being very bad this year, and I would appreciate your special attention. To make things easier, and so as to avoid delays in delivery of gifts I am making a list of transgressions. Please be sure to annotate any incidents that I may miss, you are always so thorough. (Your articles on "Elf workers comp." and also the one on "Elf romance in the toyshop" were really well researched and I loved reading them).

Onto making Christmas a jolly one (for me) for those that deserve it; truly. OK. Last June I bought myself a brand new outfit. A flowing red dress (yes, I know red can be more of a late summer/fall type of color but I couldn't help myself) from a designer's Summer collection, strappy sandals from Louis Vuitton, and some new make up to be sure that I had the right kind of rouge. (A girl can't go around town wearing evening wear without the latest in makeup). That cost me only about $1500.00 bucks. Yes, yes, I know that's pricey, but you'll just have to see am worth every cent.

The only snag in that purchase is that I bought it on my ex-boyfriend's credit card (before we were broken up of course.) We parted ways after he accidentally saw me going in for a date with his boss at this nice new trendy Asian cuisine restaurant. (How was I to know it was his favorite hangout?) Anyway, that was actually kind of sad (hold on, I don't want to stain the paper with tears. Let me get a hankie {Hermes} and wipe my eyes), I was just trying to get my man a raise. It's not my fault if the boss seemed to have tentacles and not arms, and got his paws all over me. Plus, again, I didn't know he was going to be there.

That was the last time I spoke to him. Sigh. I miss his company, especially those trips down the coast we used to take. (I would prepare this really good potato salad I usually bought at the corner deli, with deviled eggs, little ham and cheese sandwiches. He would bring his convertible and the wine. I always left that up to him, of course I would pick the year, but he was supposed to get it.) Ah. The nights walking under the stars were nice,

he once pointed out to me the general direction of the star that he had purchased and officially named after me. Soooo, romantic.

Now. Three months later, (and Santa? Please be sure to do a little digging, I don't want to miss out on anything simply because I forgot to mention it.) I think it was mid September. I was working in a fashion magazine for the ladies, and things just sort of snowballed. I was so excited! Can you believe it? I would get to meet celebrities and maybe even get occasional gift baskets, and assorted freebies that the industry sends out to promote their products. (Yeah, I know, it's a little naughty, but designers always want a good word in so they started to send in samples. Guess what? I kept a bunch of that. They were free after all.) It helps that I led a lot of them to believe that the Editor-in-Chief and I had an on-going affair. (Even though she's happily married, and am as far from gay as you can think.)GA_googleFillSlotWithSize(HELAD_publishercode, "ArticleATFMiddleArticle300x250", 300, 250);
Well eventually I got canned, but it turns out it wasn't because of all the free samples I got myself. (Prada shoes, all kinds of Xephora makeup, perfumes that usually I sold, an Alexander McQueen dress, and more) Can you believe it? The Editor-in-Chief got angry with me. Seems that it was fashion industry knowledge that she was possibly bi-sexual and when her husband found out he left. (Hmm. Wonder if there's some kind of previous history.) So. I was the other woman, and broke up a marriage.

I promise I've tried to be good. Really. As a matter of fact, I haven't sent out to anyone the pictures I took of you back in November at that beach resort in Cabo. You remember the place? Who was the petit pointy eared woman that kept rubbing up to you? See? It's not my fault things just seem to happen around me. How could I have expected that I would find you down there? What celebrity actually books a flight under their name these days? I mean they give themselves assumed aliases right? There's Donald duck, Mickey Mouse, Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boop and so many more. And guess what? All of them tend to be some kind of D-list celebrity. (The famous ones are always something like Smith, or Jones, you know, something nice and low key. Boring)

Since I knew that I wasn't likely to find someone famous, I didn't pay much attention. But with my previous experience in the fashion magazine I decided to take my camera (with the telescopic lens that can take pictures up to 1000 feet away).

So I followed you out the airplane, oops I mean I followed the "trail" and ended up with quite an eye opener. What a surprise you are Santa. I really didn't know someone as, uhmmm, jolly sized could be so vigorous. Plus, I was surprised to know that you actually prefer Joe Boxers, I thought maybe you'd wear red flannel long johns or something. Maybe it was a hot weather concession? GA_googleFillSlotWithSize(HELAD_publishercode, "ArticleATFMiddleArticle300x250", 300, 250);That certainly was quite a vacation though (Sigh, am going to have to do something about cashing in some more flying rewards miles more often). That was then, and this is now. I figure, it's best to make sure you know all my transgressions, before I send you the list of things I want. You need to be able to check that list twice, and make sure your secretary helps with it a bit. She is so invaluable to the North Pole operations (am sure). How's Rudolph by the way? Is he over that nasty cold? Tell him am sorry we at the magazine perpetuated the belief that he's got a red shining nose with that article we wrote way back when.

Does Mrs. Claus keep the same hours? I've heard in the rumor mill that she keeps very busy in the elf training camp. You didn't by any chance send her out there, for a bit of "alone" time? Hmmm? Ohh. Sorry, this is getting a bit long with all the chit chatter. OK. As you can see, I've being a bit, (wee bit only) bad. So bad as a matter of fact, that It's being quite a roller coaster ride, so I just wanted to remind you that the coal will come in handy and is appreciated for the cold nights (The chimney works just fine and it'll help keep me toasty warm). Please deposit it on the bucket (be sure to try some of my low fat diet cookies, I hear they help loose weight, and are heart healthy). Now, onto my wish list. You must agree? I was being extremely good too (to you) and didn't publish what could be the sex scandal of the century. Right?

What do you think? We'll see come Christmas morn. Attached is the list, I decided to make it a separate page to be sure I had enough space. Oh, and I thought you'd like a copy of one of the pictures. I'd frame it, but I don't know if you prefer wood or a gold tone.

Thanks so much.

Ps. I would never have thought you'd get a tattoo, naughty, naughty.