Dear Screaming Neighbors: I Know More About You Than I Want To

Well, while I find it fascinating that you have both lost your jobs and that each of you suspects the other of having an affair online, and I have heard a colorful tapestry of profanity that a linguist would no doubt base a research paper on, I really am tired of sitting in my living room and listening to your argument every day. Also, I'm terrified my Goober will learn several choice phrases long before he should, since we can hear you through the walls, even with the radio on.

Granted, three or four times now I have poked my head out on the porch and made you aware of the situation by shouting "Hey, I can hear you quite clearly over here - please tone it down!" I know you heard me, because you responded with some of those same choice phrases you so enjoy hurling at each other.

My question is this: Why on earth do you sit on your porch to have screaming arguments? Have you ever considered the kitchen? You could really get creative then, and throw things at each other. Obviously going in the bedroom with the door closed to keep your preschool daughter from hearing you argue isn't an option, since you usually intersperse your points with "&*$, girl, get over there and play on the $%^$! swingset!" I'm honestly not sure that's great supervision, but it's your child, I guess...

Another point - have you thought of trying any different type of discussion? Since you've been having the same argument every day for about a month and a half now, I would guess your current tactic of "I can scream louder and more obscenely than you" isn't actually resolving anything. If I'm really, really, really ticked at my hubby, I tell him "Look, I'm mad. I'm going to the store (or library, or just "out") for an hour. When I get back we are going to sit down and talk about this issue." If it's just me in a snit, I count to ten then say "Look, I'm a little angry right now. We need to talk about this but let me have a minute to cool off." I find these tactics pretty helpful, and I'm a red headed shrew with no claim to a calm, even temperament.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you should have enough respect for yourselves and your marriage that you don't spend all day on the porch screaming at each other. Haven't you noticed the sudden dearth of children other than yours playing outside? Have you noticed the upswing in police activity on the block because several of your neighbors got scared that you were busy killing each other and called? Would you credit that going out and looking for a job, putting in applications and dropping resumes, might be a little more effective than calling your spouse a string of dirty names?

I'm sure you're going to tell me to mind my own business, but let me reiterate that when you scream so loudly that I hear you in my house, I don't really have the option of ignoring you. Also, I'm starting to get really irritated at the fact that I can't take Goober out to play just as the weather is getting cool enough to spend any length of time outdoors. So how about this for a compromise - I won't mind your business if you don't conduct it on the front porch.