Death of a Child or Spouse: How Can I Help a Friend Whose Child or Spouse Has Died?

This is a tough situation we all encounter at some point in our lives, perhaps even more than once. I have been the friend or acquaintance of a person that lost a close family member and I am the person that lost both a child and a spouse. Even though I fully understand the pain a "survivor" feels, it is still not easy to help someone unless they allow you to do so.

I know who assisted me in dealing with the trauma I felt at two different times in my life and I will forever be grateful to them. But individual personalities react differently to almost all circumstances. Therefore, the person you are trying to help may, or may not, open up to you.

First of all, how close of a friend are you? Have you frequently spent time together and shared personal information or problems? Or are you a co-worker that discusses work with a minimum amount of personal and / or generic conversation about the outside world?

If you were not a close friend before the death of the family member, it is not likely the survivor will allow you to see beneath the surface of their pain. If you want to help, wait two to four weeks after the death of their family member and then:

Search for, and purchase, a well-written book that deals with death.

Or purchase a journal and pen for the survivor to write down what she, or he, is feeling.

Both the reading and writing helps the survivor to understand their emotions.

Locate a grief recovery group in your area. Churches and funeral homes either support a grief recovery group or can point you in the right direction. Give your friend the information about the grief recovery group without making a big deal of it.

Simply say that you thought the group might be something they would be interested in.

Include the date and time of meetings, the meeting location, a contact (person's) name if available, and a contact phone number.

Follow up with questions after a couple of weeks to see if your friend has been to any of the meetings. If not, offer encouragement for them to go.

If they have gone to a meeting, ask if they felt good about the group. If they didn't think the meeting helped them, suggest they don't give up going for at least two or three meeting. Then if it doesn't work out, they should find another grief recovery group. It is important for them to find the right group.

If you are a close friend, you need to know that helping a friend deal with death may take a large block of your time and may dredge up beliefs, actions, or ideas you disagree with. Your role is to listen, not judge, and give limited advice when you feel your friend needs advice, not when you want to tell them what to do. At this time in their life, it's all about them.

Recovery time varies from person to person depending on their prior life circumstances and their personality. Recovery time will take years, not months.

Invite them to go to a movie or for lunch. Just the two of you, if possible. Getting away from memories for a short while is a welcome relief.

Emails, instead of telephone calls, are easier to work into a busy life for the both of you. Emails will also allow both of you to put more thought into what you want to say or share with each other.

Emails are therapeutic for the survivor because, as I said in the previous paragraph, writing helps the survivor to understand their emotions.

If you are a close family member (like a sister, brother, mother, or dad) don't be surprised if the grieving person doesn't want to discuss how little he (she) has slept and how exhausted they are or how much pain they are in. They probably can't stand making you worry and hurt for them. And the survivor is aware that their family is feeling the loss of the loved one also.

If you are a grief recovery group, you are more knowledgeable than I am. The group I tentatively attended when my spouse died pleasantly surprised me. We wrote answers to questions and could choose to share what we wrote or to pass. In this manner, we learned that it was okay to share how we felt. Everyone there understood and sharing helped us deal with our emotions.

My Suggestions for a Grief Recovery Group:

If you are a church or religious organization, meet in a building that is not part of your church. Candidates for your group may not feel comfortable in a church building and avoid attending your group sessions.

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is not all about Bible scriptures. It is about learning to live without a loved one and learning how to redirect your life. Pain and emotions have to be felt, recognized, and expressed before healing solutions can be explored. Vigorously directing every aspect of recovery toward the Bible and Christ will alienate people that might first be reachable with understanding, concern, and love. Even if the survivor is a Christian, they can feel anger at God, so don't be shocked or negatively judgmental. If they are a Christian, they will probably search and find their own scripture to deal with their anguish.