Death of a Dream

Death of a dream. The title matches my current state of mind. I feel as if I will never make it where I really want to go. I have always wanted a normal life. Although I am not sure what a normal life is. At one point I thought that normal was close to a sitcom and how they appear to live. Others believe that life is like a soup opera, keeping everything and everyone in a constant state of drama. I despise the drama queens and kings who must have turmoil in their life in order to be happy. My children are grown and I have been divorced twice and currently live with my other half. (Some days I would say better half and others I would say I don't have another half) At this point, I don't care. Over the last two or three years I have decided that I want to go live in the Rockies like a hermit. Searching for gold, reading in the winter and fishing, hunting and sitting in front of a roaring fireplace when I can. In fact, last spring I was all prepared to go, (if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans) when an unfortunate event stopped me cold. (I wont go into it because it doesn't matter except to say I made a mistake)

For some of us it is a dream of building a business. For some it is winning the lottery (see "Powerball Dreams") and for others of us it is just a happy little family. I have spent the last twelve years trying to make others happy instead of trying to make myself happy.( for some people, nothing is ever good enough) That is about to end. After April of next year (when I will be free again, no I am not in jail, however, the prospect does hang over me) I am going to walk off into the mountains and I hope to never see another soul again. However, this is a new dream. I used to dream of being successful. Of buying a nice little farm house with a white picket fence. Of having my kids and grandkids visit me for Sunday dinners. I dreamed of never having to worry about paying a bill. (part of my new dream as well, as I intend to never have another bill) Most of us have small dreams, realistic dreams, happy dreams. For some of us we know that they are beyond our limits and even though we know that we will never quite get there, we still try.

When do we give up on a dream? When we have dumped everything we have into a new venture only to come out broke and bleeding on the other side? When our better half ends up dying in a freak car wreck? When we wake up one morning and realize that we are past middle age and still wearing a name tag? (no, I don't wear a name tag, in fact, I don't even have a job right now) What makes us give up? Should we give up? They say that, "hope springs eternal." Is that really true? Try a little test sometime, go into your local nursing home and ask the patients at random if they fulfilled their life's dream? I don't know what result you will get as I have never tried it myself, in fact, I believe that if we did, no one would get out of bed tomorrow. Myself, I never really had a focus, I just wanted to be successful. There was a time when I was, one year I made almost a quarter mil. Then the next year I barely made twenty k. WTF?

Up until about seven years ago I was a bastard. I would tell anyone what I thought without caring if it hurt them or not. I would do whatever I wanted no matter who stood in my way. I lived however I wanted. Then I got strung out on coke.(great thing about being an ass, it catches up with you) Not the first and certainly not the last person that this has happened to, but with me it changed me. When I came through alive on the other side, I was a decent person. I cared how others felt. Before, I could take a gun and kill anything and then go and eat pizza afterward. Now, if I hit a bird with my truck I would be depressed for days. To, touchy feely? Back in the day, I had five cars and everything else I wanted. All my bills were paid at least two months in advance and my wife (girlfriend really) went and spent four to five hundred dollars a week at the stores on the kids. They were spoiled to death. Now, I couldn't buy shoestrings on credit. So, I am beginning to believe that those who live right in the eyes of God are doomed to suffer on earth. Those who do as they please, are rewarded on earth and punished afterward. The Bible says that those who have treasure on earth are doomed and those who suffer will store their treasures in heaven. Why should this be so?

If you look around these days, you will see several Mega-churches around that are non-denominational. These "fluffy" churches teach the "prosperity" gospel that says that it is ok to be wealthy. However, if you look close, there is little that is "church like" in these places. They water down the word and fluff up the message. Know what I mean? Does God want us to do well? How many rich people do you know that you believe are trust worthy? How many poor people do you trust? You know in all my life, I have only met two preachers that I trusted. (one being Billy Graham, the other is Maury ? in Nashville) Now the second one I have never really met. I have watched him on T.V. (yes, we dress up on Sunday morning, sit in our best hard chairs and watch church) However, I am an excellent judge of character and even through the eye of a t.v. screen, I can tell what type of person you are. If a fortune five hundred corp. ever wanted a true judge for human resources, I would be it. See, being a true sinner, you can see it without looking. Also because I am a sinner (been divorced) I cannot join the church that I grew up with. (wont mention mine as they are probably right)

It says in the Bible that you cannot serve two masters. So, how can you make your partner happy and yourself at the same time? Well, in God's eyes two become one. A house divided against itself will fall. So, according to that, my mind should explode at any moment. Truth is, we all have dreams and for the most of us, they will never come true. I don't wish to be wealthy, I don't wish to even be ecstatic about life. I dream of a world where the government will leave you alone. I dream of a world where if you wish, you can keep to yourself. I dream of being a successful writer who's writing is more of a consistent thought rather than the ramblings of a mad man. So, what is your dream? Has it come true? Is it so far out of reach that it is more of a fantasy? Do you think that if your good enough and hope strong enough that God will make it come true? Maybe. It is a nice thought. Dare to dream, don't give up. Me, well maybe one day I will dream again.