Death and Dying

Nobody likes to talk about this subject. In fact, we do everything we can to avoid talking about it. Why? Eventually, we are all going to die and death is inevitable.

Death and dying is a subject I am forced to face. It is not my plan for when I am dead; it is the plan for my father. But, he is not dead. He is very much alive. So, why must I plan? Why must I face this subject now while he is still here?

We are taught to value the time we have and to spend quality time with our loved ones. Never go to bed angry; always say you're sorry, and try to say, "I love you" more often than we feel necessary. After all, we never know when our loved ones will be gone and then, what will we regret? Will we wish we had shared something we longed to share? Will we wish we had said, "I love you" just one more time?

A week before Christmas, my father was sent to the hospital. From there, he was sent to a nursing home to "recover", although he may not get back to the place he once knew and then we will be forced to face the questions, "What do we do now and where does Dad belong?" We will be forced to decide where he will spend the remainder of his life.

What little my father has, will be taken by the facility or facilities that will care for him. You see, he planned, a bit, but not enough. I am his Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) for healthcare matters/decisions. He has a Living Will and he has a Last Will and Testament. He even has an irrevocable trust set up for the 1/2 share of a piece of real estate he owned and that was back in 2003 and 2005 respectively. His 1/2 share of this piece of real estate won't be protected until October 2010. Until then, if matters require, he will lose that too.

To qualify for medicaid benefits, states have different guidelines. Some states require you have only $1,500 worth of assets and others state you can have up to $2,500 worth of assets. At any rate, you cannot have any more than this or you have to do what is called a, "spend down". Legally, you cannot spend down in any way you like. It has to be legally defensible what you are doing with your money and where it is going.

Although not rich, my father has annuities and these annuities add up to more than what he is allowed to have in order to qualify for medicaid and long term care benefits. Until then, all of his money has to be utilized for his care. Skilled Nursing Facilities (SNF's) usually cost about $7,500 per month (on average). Therefore, until you have exhausted all personal resources, you cannot qualify for government funded long term care.

So, in my effort to assist my father and protect his assets so that he can benefit from the money he worked for and worked hard to save, I am left with facing the very subject we avoid talking about - Death and Dying. It starts with having to plan my father's funeral.

Since I am a proactive person, I thought nothing of this fact until I sat down at my computer and began to research. Then, it hit me. I would have to pick out his casket. I would have to tell them where he would want to be buried. I would have to find a burial plot and purchase it. I would have to decide how I wanted the funeral to be delivered, how I would want his body to be handled, and all the details of his funeral. I was not prepared for thinking about these matters.

We never are ready. But what if you had to plan this while your loved one was still alive? What if your loved one could understand the concept of what you were doing and what you would be asking? How would you approach someone whose very independence had just recently been snatched from him?

Then, Death and Dying took on another meaning to me. I began to think about what other action was needed. I was petitioning the courts for guardianship over my father, both his person and his estate. It was a huge burden and one that I did not take lightly.

My role was as a daughter and my father was my father. It was his role to care for me in all the ways I would now ask to care for him. But it was also something else. It was taking away his civil liberties and all that entails. It was asking the courts to appoint me in place of him. It was in fact asking the courts to negate his civil liberties and allow me to act on his behalf.

So, it was, in some ways, the death of my father's role in my life and the changing of that relationship. Perhaps it is different for a son. I wouldn't know if it was different. I was a daughter and this was my relationship with my father. For all the good and the bad that had occurred in the past, that time was over. He was no longer that person from years ago and now he needed my help and assistance, even if he did not fully understand all that would entail.

An Attorney will represent my father, his interests, his rights, and I will petition the courts for guardianship. My father will no longer be able to exercise his free will on where to live, how to live, and who will make decisions for him. That will be my job if the court believes he is no longer able to act in his own best interests.

It is a heavy burden and draws so much emotion and changes in ways of thinking. The family dynamics change and we mourn the past. It was just a week before Christmas and he was living independently in his own apartment. Now, he lives in a nursing home and knows nothing about what will happen. He will be visited by his Attorney and told of the petition. He will understand some of it and confusion will follow. The part of him that remains able to understand, may not understand. I wish I could do something to lighten this, and I only hope that he knows I will do everything in my power to see to it that his wishes are followed as much as I can.

Death and Dying is an inevitable subject. Usually we face it after our loved one is gone. I did not expect to have to do this so soon and certainly not while my parent was alive. Life throws us many curve balls. Are you prepared?

Sources - personal experience