Death Trap

A few years ago, I was walking in the Palm Springs desert. It was night and you could see a billion stars illuminating the Indian summer sky. As I walked along a barren dirt road, I noticed off to my right two fellows digging with shovels.

It was still hot even though it was night; they both had their shirts off and were sweating profusely. One was tall and skinny, had very little body hair, tattoos and a shaved head. The other was short and stubby, had a full beard, curly black hair-and talk about body hair! This guy looked like a hedgehog with arms and legs.

They looked like they were digging some sort of trench. I noticed a white Chevy van parked near them with "Zeke's Plumbing Service" painted on the van's side. They looked tired and like they needed some help, so I called out to them, "Hey! You boys need any help digging?"

"Thanks, but we're doing fine," hollered the human hedgehog. " Though we sure could use some water from that canteen you have there." "No problem," I replied. I walked on over, then looked down into the pit they were digging. It looked several feet deep.

"What are you boys digging, anyway?"

"Your GRAVE!" (WACK!!!)

* * *

When I came to, I realized that I had been hit in the back of the head with a shovel. I felt dirt, rocks and sand being shoveled on top of me. I could still breathe a little since I was not completely buried yet. I managed to turn myself skyward and I was able to take a big gulp of air.

I held my breath and held on for dear life as the dirt pored down on me. I was now completely submerged. However, I hatched a plan: I grabbed handfuls of the dirt on top of me and shoved it under me-using it to prop me up and raise me higher in the pit.

As I repeatedly did this, I was never more than a few inches under the surface. I would poke an air hole with my finger, take a deep breath, let them throw some more dirt on top, take some of the dirt and put it under me again, then poke another air hole, etc.

All the while my body rose higher and higher in the pit as I did all of this. I had to be careful not to grab too much dirt on top of me, otherwise some part of me might be exposed to the open air, and the two creeps who were burying me might discover what I was doing, and just simply kill me outright.

The two creeps were laughing and giggling with sadistic pleasure as they filled the pit. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the dirt stopped coming down. I heard the van doors open and shut; then the van drove off.

I poked one last hole with my finger, took a deep breath and sighed relief. I laid still and waited a long while just in case they decided to come back-perhaps they left some gear behind, or maybe they wanted to make sure I was really dead and buried. You never know. So I waited.

* * *

When I finally sat up in my grave, I wiped the dirt and sand out of my eyes, and I could then see they were long gone. It was almost daybreak. I knew I had to get out of the desert and back into town before the sun was overhead, otherwise I would suffer sunstroke and die.

I walked briskly, but not enough to work up a sweat. My canteen was empty. Those pigs drank all of my water. I had to conserve my inner water and strength if I was to survive. The town was several miles away. It was early morning and yet I could already feel the sun blistering the back of my neck.

I then hatched another plan: I took off my shirt, tore it down the middle so it was one big piece of cloth. I then draped it over my head, neck and shoulders. It shielded me from the sun; it probably made the difference between life and death.

After what seemed like another eternity, I finally staggered into the edge of town. I was severely dehydrated; I started to feel pain from the contusion on the back of my head where I was hit by the shovel. I managed to grope my way into the entrance doors of a Denny's restaurant. As soon as the hostess saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh my god! Are you all right?"

"Call 911," I whispered loudly in my raspy dehydrated voice. She got right on it. After I had my ninth glass of water, I noticed a squad car pull into the parking lot. An officer got out and came inside. "Come with me. I'll drive you to the hospital where you can get patched up. On the way there you can tell my partner what happened and he'll fill out a written report."

"Sounds good to me," I said, my voice closer to normal. I walked out to the squad car with the officer. His partner then exited the squad car--that's WHEN I NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK! His partner was THE HEDGEHOG MAN!

Before I could utter a sound, they immediately subdued me, cuffed me and put me in the back of the squad car. "We're gonna take ya to the jailhouse, boy! You're gonna rot there for all eternity." The human hedgehog cackled with an evil laugh. Then he reached through the open car window and sprayed mace in my eyes.

"OW!" I screamed. "What did I do to deserve this?!"

"Keep your trap shut, punk, or I'll mace you again!"

Never argue with a human hedgehog. So I stayed quiet until they put me in a jail cell. "I have rights, you know. Don't I get to call my lawyer?"

"You got no rights here, loser!" exclaimed the tall bald skinny creep who also tried to bury me alive. He worked as a guard at the jail. "You're a dead man! You're a ghost! Don't you see that, dummy?" After he uttered those words, he laughed a villainous laugh. "Welcome to hell! We're gonna torture you and torment you for all eternity!"

Then the human hedgehog chimed in, "Yeah, that's right. We're gonna torture you and torment you from now until forever!"

I hatched another plan: "If I am dead, then you can't kill me." "Shut up! Don't talk like that!" yelled the hedgehog man.

"If I am a ghost, then I have no real body or central nervous system. That means all of the pain I have been feeling is in my head-"

"Don't talk like that!" they both desperately hollered.

I delivered the knockout blow by saying, "All I have to do is think beautiful thoughts, and I will feel no pain."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

"Whoa! What the...? " I sat up and looked around. I was in my bedroom-and it was all just a bad dream.