Deciding on Being a Care Giver of a Parent

The decision to become a care giver of your parents, or any family member is a hard choice to make. It is true, that is rewarding, but also it takes an emotional toll on oneself, or marriage, if, you and your spouse share the load. Another factor to consider, is your family a solid functional family that you can count on for support. If there maybe any hard feelings between siblings, you can almost guarantee down the line there will conflicts. I can only tell you from my experience caring for my Mother, then a two years later my Father. I will also admit, my family was not a close family, and there were allot of bad feelings between us children prior to my parents getting sick, and growing up as a teenager with two parents who were stuck in the 40's was difficult, and I will admit I rebelled as some teens do. My spouse and I took on the decision to care for them. My spouse also is epileptic and needs medication himself which I have to remind him each day because he has short term memory problems.

My spouse and I were married only about 3 years, when my Mother had her first stroke. We at the time were staying in the upper flat at my parents house.
My Mother was 72, my Father was 69. It was not on option for them to do maintenance and yard work as they had a fairly large front and back yard. We did that as well as care for my Mother, who at the time had Alzheimer's, an stroke, and COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). She required Oxygen on a 24 hour basis, as well as breathing treatments. I butted heads allot with my Father, who was stuck in his ways and loved his privacy. Prior to my Mother becoming sick, their routine was steady as most elderly are. My Mother would get up, go out for breakfast, come home and watch TV. My Father stayed up late watching boxing, slept in, and then after price is right, would make himself breakfast. My Mother needed home care, for physical therapy for her stroke. It was hard to schedule the therapist around my Fathers schedule but we managed. My Mother became diabetic as well. I had to check her insulin before each meal and administer the correct dosage each morning. My job was distributing medications into her pill box for am, noon, pm (make sure she took them each day), grocery shop, get her medications, administer them, and bathe her as well. My Mother fell in the kitchen, breaking her hip in 2 places. This is when she went down hill. The surgery went well, the therapy in the hospital did too, but she returned home later on breaking other hip. All this is plus trips to ER with breathing problems almost every other month was hard. She was in and out of nursing homes as insurance only covered a brief period of time, but she ended in ER with breathing problems before her time was up, so I had to go pack her things at the nursing home and bring them home as she lost her room. The stress was tremendous. My Father and I were butting heads way to much on care and needs. To keep my marriage together, my spouse and I had purchased our own home about 3 miles from theirs. I went there each morning, did her medications, made her meals, got her groceries, medication refills, laundry, and bathed her if needed, then I returned home to do my own things. My Father could not care for her at night, down the line she went to nursing home. It was here she ended up with bad infection out of blue, and ended up in the ER with 105 temperature at 1 am. When we arrived we were told her kidneys shut down. She went into a coma. We visited her each day, as my Father did too. I spoke with my Brother who lives in California the night before she passed. He told me to tell her he loved her. I went to visit her I leaned in and said "Mom , Micheal, Debbie, Frank and I all love You". I sat back and took a breath then told her " Mom if you want to go be with Grandma and Grandpa, go on and be with them. " She let out a loud moan, the first in over 4 days in her coma. The next morning my Father called, my Mother passed on April 28, 2004.

I knew it would not be long before my Father became sick too. Usually happens quickly after they lose their spouse of a very long time. He made it clear he did not want to go nursing home. Again, My sister had moved 1 hour west prior to my mother getting sick. My brother lives in California, and there is another sibling but she never spoke one word to my parents for over 13 years, because they got custody of her daughter, that is a different story I won't go in to. So here again, my spouse and I sold our home and moved back to the upper flat. My Father continued his routine the best he could. He would stay up late, sleep in, watch TV, and go out to eat as he did not cook much, and did not care to have anyone cook for him. He came home from eating, said he fell in parking lot, and hit his head and hurt his knee, which was already bad to begin with. He ended up in the hospital with kidney failure if I remember correctly. They had to do a transfusion which he was against, until my sister talked him into it. His stay was 6 days in the hospital, then he wanted to come home, against, the nurses and doctors advice. My spouse and I picked him up, he was weak and unable to walk or stand. But this is what he wanted. He was weak and to get him home care was a battle. He needed physical therapy to regain his strength. He putted around the house in a wheel chair. My sister and I had to take my father to the ENT for his pain in throat, he still could not swallow. Two women, one man 235 dead weight, going down three steps to her car, we almost made it until he lost balance and ended up on her knee, I had to call police to help get him into the car. My spouse left work and met us at doctors office to help get him out of car. When we were through, my spouse met us at the house to get him into the house. I am thankful his employer understood the circumstances, or it could of been his job. We later found out my Father had throat cancer. He ended up in hospital again, this time they inserted a feeding tube into him. His stay was brief , as he wished and returned home permanently in wheel chair, and extremely weak. My spouse and I once again became the care giver, which we did not mind , but this time was going to be much much harder. I knew my Father hated the tube in his stomach, and the fact that he was not able to feed himself being weak, it was up to me to feed him. I learned how to feed my Father, and to clean to tube and area. He had to be fed 3 times according to doctors orders. But I had to fight with my Father who did not to be tube fed 3 times a day. His medications I had to crush and mix with water or the liquid food and administer through the tube and then flush and close it. This became bothersome to him after a while, as he felt he was being annoyed. I was doing what I was told to do by the doctor. He needed medication, he needed to eat.

I wanted home care to come in and bathe him, I am his daughter I do not want that responsibility. I had to argue with him on this issue, finally my brother talked him into it. Home care came out 3 times a week. He was in diapers and needed cleaning each time he went bathroom after eating. The stressful part is here, my spouse and I figured out when he would bathroom after eating, then I would phone my spouse up at work, he would take his lunch, drive home 15 minutes on way, clean up my Father, and drive back 15 minutes. My spouse took on a role he should not have had do, but he did as this is his nature. In the morning before work my spouse cleaned my father up, left for work, came home at lunch repeated, after dinner did the same, and before bed. I helped out to the point of where I had to see my Father partially naked, then I left. Returned to help clothe him. The only break we got was 3 days a week 1 time when the aid came out. One day after home care was done, my spouse came home and we helped my father to his feet while he held not the walker for changing. I stepped into the other room, when my spouse yelled my father was extremely swollen from the stomach down. I called 911. He ended up in hospital. They pumped out 4L of water. I do not know who the home care nurse or aid did not think this was abnormal but now it was too late. My Father ended up on life support. He had a chart with letters on it he would point to spelling out each word he wanted to say. Each day he asked what day it was, I would not tell him, nor would my siblings as he was waiting until after the 3rd of the month to take himself off ventilator. His reasonings was because he had to give back my Mothers check because she passed on before the 3rd. My spouse had called me from his employment, he was ordered to drive truck that day,(My spouse was not allowed by state to drive due to recent seizure, it was illegal), he was stressed out being pulled in twenty directions at work and added stress of care giving was too much, I understood his every word, and told him to come on home. We would file for unemployment he worked their over ten years without raises, and being asked to drive illegally or else was last straw. When the 3rd came, My father opted off ventilator and passed on in mid morning.

The funeral went as well as could. For once, us siblings got along and actually supported each other in grief. When it was over, the clean up. We had 58 years of stuff to sort through and throw out. Here tensions began. True colors show. My spouse and I not only took care of my parents, but when we worked on the house from morning to midnight, it was not good enough, or fast enough. We moved out and began our life over again. The end result is, I have no regrets of caring for my parents. It was hard, stressful, and grueling. My Aunt is in similar situation, with my cousin caring for her. The one comment that bothers me to this day was made by one of my siblings " He is a moocher". HMM! taking care of his ailing Mother. Put in a situation when others say they have a family, and its not their life calling. Now I see what they thought of us. But I really do not care, it is not about them, but about the parents.

A care giver is the hardest decision one has to make. It is life altering for a single person as well as a married couple. It is easier to speculate from the outside and not actually being there or doing. A caregiver as well as the ailing parent, family member needs support. It is a difficult job. I have great respect now for nurses in nursing homes, and aids who chose to do this for a living. They are the ones with the courage and determination to help. No decision in life is easy, but to decide to care give can be a life altering one. I am happy my marriage withstood all the conflicts, stress, and arguments between siblings. It is a decision not to take likely. I am not saying do not do it, but to expect the unexpected. It does change the family circle, but I would not go back and not help my parents. I have one thing to say, God Bless all those who are caregivers, and may he keep you strong.