Defending the Homestead

"Who do you think you are?!" Sandra bellowed. Vaguely, the china in the cupboard rattled with her fury. The cat, Mr. Bonzo, was startled from it's slumber and crashed through the house for no apparent reason.

"I don't know what you mean," Dan said, flinching slightly.

"I leave you alone for three days, and you completely trash the house!" Sandra shouted, pointing to the pile of pots and pans in the corner of the living room. The remains of a pillow chose that minute to slide off the ceiling fan. The stuffing landed in a large pool of melted jello that just happened to be sitting on the coffee table. "Just look at this place! It's a complete wreck!"

"Now, Sandra," Dan sighed. "I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this."

"Really?" Sandra shouted. She put her hands on her hips and dropped her designer purse on the ground hard, but not hard enough to scuff the leather. "Well, I don't think I want to hear your stupid excuses. Where are the kids?"

"Child services," Dan said. Sandra turned a deep purple and Dan raised his hands defensively. "Lemme explain, honneybunch,"Sandra stuttered a few uninteligble phrases and clenched her fists at her sides. Dan took this as his grand opening and hurriedly rushed into his story before his wife could recover.

"This whole mess," Dan started, "Is a direct result of a robot invasion. I saw it on the TV, Sandra, and I knew that it was all up to me to defend the house from any kind of bad metal men that tried to invade."

Sandra took several deep breaths and forced herself to calm down. "What are you talking about?" She said, an irritated hand rubbing the space between her eyes. "What robots, Dan?"

"I saw them on tv," Dan said. "They came from space and landed in France. Then, they tried to integrate themselves into our society through the French mafia, but they went berserk when the mob took them on a tour of a french automobile plant."
"What movie was this?" Sandra sighed.
"Movie? Nah, it was real," Dan said definately. "Anyway, The robots weren't happy to see humans using their kin as slaves. They flipped out and totally disintegrated all the mob men. After that, it was only a matter of time until all of Europe was reduced to atomic particles and they turned their attention to America."
"Dan, have you been taking your medicine?" Sandra moaned.
"I thought those were Tylenol." Dan said slowly.
"What do robots have to do with our house?" Sandra continued.
"Well, I was getting to that," Dan said. "The kids were all really upset about how we'd eventually be destroyed by our new robot overlords. To stop them from shrieking, I barricaded the front door for extra protection and we plopped down in front of the tv to see how it all turned out."
"So, that'd be why you stapled our bed to the door," Sandra commented.
"Yes, yes. Now you get it." Dan adjusted the pot on his head to stop it from slumping over his eyes. "Anyway, that's when the power went out. I figured the robots had taken out a power plant nearby, so I started to beef up our defenses inside. You know, just in case. I was only thinking of the children's safety," Dan said, trying to get back into good graces.
Sandra wasn't amused, and gave Dan an evil death glare. Dan coughed and pulled at the collar of his shirt, which was streaked with war paint.
"Errr, so, I transformed our living room into... Uh, Fort Ultra Freedom." Dan said. "The kids and I piled in with some anti-robot weapons. We tried to bring Mr. Bonzo, but we couldn't find him."
"What kind of anti-robot weapons?" Sandra asked warily.
"You know, magnets, baseball bats, and all the things that robots hate."
"Robots hate being hit with baseball bats?"
"Wouldn't you?" Dan countered. Sandra had to admit that she would.
"What about the pool of jello on the table?" Sandra asked, pointing at the goop.
"That's the moat," Dan said. "Everyone knows robots can't swim, unless they have pontoons."
Sandra just gaped at him.
"Anyway, before too long someone pounded on the door. We screamed at it to go away and that we have no need for robots in our house. Eventually, it just broke down the door, set off all our elaborate traps, evaded all our anti-robot weaponry, and took the kids." Dan hung his head sadly, and his makeshift helmet bobbled onver his forehead.
Sandra's mouth opened in astonishment. "Oh my God," She whispered. "Someone kidnapped our children?!"
"Yeah," Dan sniffed. "The bastard just took them right out from under my nose. I attacked him when he turned to leave, but... err, he flashed his badge at me."
"You assaulted a police officer?!" Sandra shrieked.
"Errr, I think he was a rookie, actually," Dan muttered. "By the way, I'm under house arrest for the next month and a half."
"What did he do with the kids?!" Sandra pressed.
"I dunno," Dan said. "I was too concerned with the robots. I figured the kids would be safer with the police officer than with me."
"My God, Dan," Sandra hissed. "All of this in just three days?!"
"Yeah, I know," Dan said. "I'm good at self defense. The house is still robot free, and the power came back on an hour or two later. I talked to the police, and they said that the neighbors called them when they heard screams coming from our house. Must have been the robots preparing to attack. Good thing that we live in such an observant neighborhood."
"And the kids?"
"They said that this house is unsuitable for children to be living in. I think they're right. Would you believe, Sandra, that our insurance doesn't cover random destruction from robot invasions?" Dan rubbed his eyes, taking some of the war paint off his face.
"Never would have guessed," Sandra muttered.
The two of them walked back into the kitchen, Sandra angrily kicking objects out of her way, and Dan picking a path carefully, like a hunter avoiding his traps. Dan poked at the carnage with a satisfied eye, and Sandra just groaned as she pointed at a wreck in the corner.
"What did you do to the microwave?"
"I had to make an example!" Dan said truimphantly, "That's how I'm letting the world know that this is a house of freedom! No one's going to destroy this humble abode. No sir. This house is safe from destruction from now until the end of time."
"I'll say it is," Sandra growled, clenching her fists.

"And that's what happened," Dan sighed. Brendon patted him on the back to comfort him.
"So you went a little overboard," Brendon said. "She'll let you back in soon,"
"I don't know," Dan said. "She changed the locks yesterday,"
"Ouch," Brendon said in sympathy. He took a long swig from his glass and stood up, pushing away from the bar. "Well, I gotta go, buddy. Good luck with Sandra."
"Uh, can I stay with you for a bit?" Dan asked pathetically.
"Nah. You're a psychopath," Brendon said merrily. "See you in the looney bin, Dan!"
Dan glared at Brendon's back as he exited the bar and into the light of the street. Dan sighed and ordered another drink, which the bartender made sure to slop over his hand.
"Don't come crying to me when robots eat your family," Dan muttered darkly.