Defining Infidelity: How Do You Know It's Cheating?

It's so easy today to cheat on your spouse -- and so hard to define what is really cheating. Having sex with a person outside a non-open relationship -- well, that's pretty cut-and-dried. But what about very close friendships with opposite-sex coworkers? Or using phone-sex operations? Or having virtual sex with online friends? Even going to a strip club with a bunch of other guys?

The fact is, cheating goes far beyond physical contact. If you're emotionally closer to a woman friend than you are to your wife, that relationship is coming between you and her. If your love for pornography is harming your sex life with your wife, that's cheating her of something she ought to have. And it goes both ways; I've known a number of women who have damaged or destroyed real life relationships when they've fooled around with others online.

Things that constitute cheating are different in any relationship and ought to be defined, but it's so difficult to bring them up to your spouse or significant other that they rarely are. A few simple personal rules may help keep you straight.

1. If you wouldn't like your spouse doing it, you shouldn't either. That's the simplest rule of thumb, though it's not perfect. Few men or women would want their spouses having sexual contact of any kind with someone outside the marriage, at least not without their permission and probably presence. But women are a little stricter about these things than men. While a man may consider going to a strip club with his buds a normal guy activity, his wife or girlfriend is fairly likely to hit the roof about it.

2. If you have to keep it a secret, it's a questionable activity. This is almost always accurate. Are you having coffee with your ex-girlfriend every so often? Not telling your wife about the child from your previous relationship? Almost every time you keep secrets from your significant other, you're cheating in some way.

3. If your spouse has gotten upset about it before, you need to rethink doing it -- or remaining in the relationship. This is one of those make-or-break rules. You may understand why she hates it when you go to a strip club, but not why she has a problem when you and your co-worker socialize outside work -- or even at work. If she's upset, you should assume this is a cheating type of behavior. Don't blame her for being over-sensitive; instead, realize that she has a problem with this, and ask yourself which relationship is more important. If you can't honestly answer "your marriage," then you have to rethink being married -- and this answer should also make it completely clear why your wife feels the way she does.

Similarly, there may be activities that you are determined to continue and that you find harmless, but that your wife or girlfriend has a problem with. For instance, there are few men who don't find pornography enjoyable. And there are a lot of women who are not comfortable with porn, some to the degree that they will raise hell if they catch you with it. Again, which relationship is more important to you?

4. If you're uncomfortable asking about it when you've been in an established relationship for years, it's probably cheating. You probably know your spouse well enough to predict what will upset her or him. If you don't think you could ask about something being okay after you've been in the relationship five years or more, assume it's cheating.

5. Gray areas should be considered cheating. This is a catch-all. If you're still not sure after the first four rules, assume it's cheating.