Defining Relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship that you could not define. I got married. I thought I was in love, Three children later, I was miserable, I was lonely, I felt used and abused, I had no lust for life, I did not believe that I actually felt anything for this person anymore, although, I still loved the children that came from the relationship. Then I thought, no, not the relationship, the biological function of the relationship, which I no longer enjoyed. I was pretty sure I was devoid of all human spirit, unable to love, therefore unable to be happy. So I got a divorce, I thought this would help. No one to have to respond to unless I wanted to respond, No more dutiful sex, anxieties about whether or not I was loved or if anybody cared whether I was loved, no more in-laws, outlaws, just me and my children. What do I do with my free time, I go out and look for men. Someone to hold me, someone I can hold onto and touch and feel and make feel good, which makes me feel good about myself. This was a dilemma, because then my "friends" started to cry foul saying that the lifestyle was no good. I should settle down, because after all I have children.

Where did I go wrong. My children thought, alright moms gone a little crazy, but she was unhappy, at least now she laughs, she smiles, she screams and yells, we see signs of life, but they miss that man. They want that man, they want me, I don't want the man, so they believe that this is a bad thing and they turn against me, if only for a little while.

In the meantime, I am still looking for that thing which i was sure was making me unhappy, Yes, a man. I don't know what that relationship was, because now I am married, to a man I was sure I loved. The lust for him still has not subsided, even though I don't find myself lusting for him in the same way. Some days I think hard about how I would feel if I or he just did not come home.

Sixteen years later, I feel tired, I am overweight, unappreciated, and yes sometimes not in love again. I have no idea what this relationship is anymore. Sometimes, more often than not , I think we have become that comfortable couple, no where else to go, no one else to turn too, so we just stay here. We both drift, and we come back and sometimes it is like we are mad because that is what we did. Then we look at the children and decide may that it is a good idea. We call each other my husband and my wife, but I am not sure that is what we are anymore. I just don't know and I hate it. I keep thinking why does this keep happening to me and I think I have the answer and then again I am not sure. So I stay and he stays and the children stay and we all wake up each morning and go our separate ways and then we come back. More often that not, it is a good thing, but I still don't know what to call it or if it is anything at all.