Defy Death by Studying Abroad in England

You have a friend in Kabul. Another just got back from Singapore. Yes, the place where that kid got caned. You still haven't gotten the story behind that scar from your friend who went to Cyprus. Meanwhile, you're very thrilled to be studying abroad in London, a trip no doubt as undeniably rad as any of your friends'. I mean, you could totally spill some hot tea on yourself.

Ok, so traveling to Great Britain isn't death-defying. Besides the standard fears that accompany any location anywhere in the world (muggers, pickpockets, taxi drivers, etc.), England just doesn't have the dark mystique of the exotic, no matter how many Guy Ritchie movies you watch. Well, have no fear. I too, am traveling to London, and I have mixed a lifetime's worth of paranoia into my coffee tonight and found five reasons why studying abroad in the U.K. is actually very dangerous.

1. You could get caught wearing the wrong color in the wrong neighborhood, and find yourself in a soccer hoodlum fight. As I'm sure you've heard, they take their soccer (or football, as they would have it) very seriously across the pond. In 2000, England was actually almost expelled from Euro2000 (a European soccer tournament that took place in the year 2000, for us Americans) because their fans were so poorly behaved. Obviously, the whole country didn't audition for Green Street Hooligans, but the firms are real and are violent, and you are (most likely) unschooled in how to stay out of trouble.

2. That long-hallowed American collegiate apparel tradition, the "hoodie," is actually a polyester shorthand for a seedy youth subculture. "Hoodies" among the American college crowd are so ubiquitious that College Humor actually uses the term "Hoodie Party" for any back-home party of university students, because, to quote College Humor columnist "Streeter," "everyone in attendance - and we mean everyone - will be wearing their school's hoodie." In England, meanwhile, according to an exceptionally well-written article by The Guardian's Gareth McLean, "a hooded top can strike fear into the heart of even the most courageous among us." English "hoodies" are shadowy, dangerous people in the public consciousness, and you wouldn't want your trusty hoodie, which has guided you from frat parties to football games to (occasionally) class, to bring you that kind of shame.

3. They used to rule the world. Ok, so today's U.K., limping away from Iraq, is a far-cry from the globe-spanning empire of yore, but still, the U.K. is the most recent country to have a worldwide empire (The U.S. doesn't count because it's never been particularly diligent about subduing the sovereignty of other cultures; we prefer the more subtle, and some would say nefarious, method of heat-lamp, consumer conquest). The British Empire itself was always heavily commercial, built on free-trade and a preponderance of naval strength to protect that growth, but by 1921, Great Britain controlled some territory on every continent on Earth, including the massive landmasses of Canada, India, and Australia, with a huge swath of Africa to boot. I'm not saying they'll try to colonize you while they're there, or that Gordon Brown has schemes to take over Greenland in his desk. I'm just saying that if the U.S. is slowly taking over the world, it's a genetic trait inherited from our own colonizers. "This royal throne of kings, this scept'red isle/This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars...this England" might just be suffering some empire envy.

4. It's probably an alien landing pad. Great Britain isn't a big place, smaller than the state of Michigan, but something has crammed a lot of surreal stuff on that little island. Ever see the cover of Zepellin's Houses of the Holy? Well that place is real. "The Giant's Causeway," formed by volcanic action I can't even begin to understand, is, in fact, only the fourth best "natural wonder" of the U.K. according to a recent poll. The winner of that poll was a cave system in Wales that stretches at least 10 miles underground. Then there are those huge white cliffs. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah...Stonehenge, proving that while nature can do weird, man can do weird and add cryptic. If the Brits couldn't point to Michael Jackson, I'd add Boy George to the list, but either way...the U.K. is a weird place.

5. Seriously, that tea's hot.

Ok, so I could only come up with four reasons why you should be scared about visiting the U.K. You'll probably just end up in a pub fight anyway. I suppose I could get heavy here and mention terror, but who needs it? The point is: have fun and enjoy the people and the landscape, but watch your football allegiances, keep that hood down, don't mention anything about your hometown's abundant supply of natural resources, and keep your eyes peeled for flying saucers, and you should be fine.

Sources:

"UEFA Issues Ban Threat to England." BBC Sports. URL: (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/euro2000/796435.stm)

Streeter, "Hoodie Party: Your First Thanksgiving Home." College Humor. URL: (http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1632240)

Gareth McLean, "In the Hood." The Guardian. URL: (http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1482816,00.html)

"Caves Win Natural Wonder Vote." BBC News. URL: (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/mid_/4735935.stm)