Denial and Caring for a Cancer Patient

What if your loved one with cancer pursues yet another experimental chemotherapy when it sounds like it will do more harm than good? Or what if you are urging your loved one to pursue "alternative," unproven, and possibly dangerous treatments? Or perhaps you both are neglecting to do the planning that must be done for future illness and the end of their life.

When you think a loved one's denial seems like a problem, try:

1. Look at the situation in context and from their perspective. For instance, if a person's cancer has spread widely, perhaps going through some experimental treatments might help him or her feel better. People always have the legal right to refuse medical treatment. You may not agree with the choice, but the choice is theirs.
2. Talk to your loved one-respectfully-about why they are making (or not making) the choices that concern you. Express your concerns, and indicate how their choices affect or concern you. If you lose your temper or speak with a tone of disdain or disapproval, the person will be less likely to listen and may simply stop talking to you.
3. Attend a cancer support group, either with your loved one or by yourself. You will hear how others have dealt with similar situations and you may pick up tips on how to talk about this situation. If your loved one comes with you, s/he might hear a piece of advice coming from another patient that s/he simply would not listen to if you said it.

What if I'm the One in Denial?

If you think you're in denial about what's going on with a loved one who is ill, you're doing very well just to be aware of it! Ask yourself:

• What's bothering me about this situation? There is probably a long list of things that are bothering you.
• Why do I think I'm in denial? Perhaps you aren't so much in denial as deeply pained about what's going on.
• Am I beginning to avoid the person with cancer? Think about how you might overcome your pain to move closer.
• Do I just need a break? Perhaps it's time to enlarge your circle of people who can help with caregiving.
• Am I hovering over my loved one? Take a step back and figure out how to just be with him/her.
• Am I forcing myself to be cheery when I don't feel cheery? If you are afraid you'll cry in your loved one's presence, know that your tears tell people that you care.

Whatever the issue that's troubling you, know this: Other caregivers have felt it before you. You will survive this time in your life. And there is help, both professional and informal. Talk about it to someone. And cut yourself some slack. You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.