Denver Tourist Traps - The Top Ten

Here are the top ten places for tourist-spotting around Denver.

1) Polyester Dance Club - everyone goes there, get a job, work there, don't party there. The only party is the employees party for the locals.

2) Sanford's is a restaurant that was Applebee's before Applebee's happened. Sanford's caters to tourists, and has lots of local flavor, color as well as license plates on the walls.

3) Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory - this is the ultimate fudge brownie in an easy bake oven. It's fun on those days when your brain cells have been dimmed, or if you suddenly have developed an advanced case of mental retardation, like I did a few versions of Windows ago.

4) The Denver Art Museum - In the summer, nobody goes to Denver to check out the artwork, it's outdoors at the excellent parks system. Besides, the galleries where the art is made are open to the public, and the artists frequently do free park performances all summer long. Go there in the winter to avoid the crowds.

5) The US Mint Tour is a fantastic place to visit April though September, if you want to be in every high school yearbook ever known around the region. Go there on a daily basis in-between brewery tours. Be certain to tell your buddies you were waiting in line at the soup kitchen, unless you're really from Des Moines, or have the luck to be working for a school or retiree bus tour company.

6) The Coors Brewery is the sort of place to bring your lawyer to when he or she is about to have a temper tantrum, being that lawyers tend to have temper tantrums quietly, and somehow know how to acquire a free case of beer by way of taking the tour. If you want to be in beer ads in nations that you hope not to ever visit, this tour is a must.

7) The Bus Tour to "all the Breweries" in a Day, I think the folks at Sanford's restaurant designed this special tour, and I forget which company is offering it this year, however, the folks at Sanford's will tell you to hold if you ask them. Then, you will be either accidentally disconnected, or will speak to a drunk patron, who thinks that he or she works there.

8) The State Capitol Building, which looks like the US Capitol building, especially the 13th Step of the State Capitol Building, which is the mythical step to be on. According to local rumor, it is the area in Denver with the most spittle accumulation per square inch in the nation - leave that to the professionals.

9) The Gray Line Tour Bus to the "Garden of the Gods" or the sights of Denver, "Mile High City" - if that bus does not say "tourist", I am not sure as to what does. Either of these tours are similar to a high school bus tour, in many ways.

10) The main branch of the Denver Public Library in the summer is a place for visitors to congregate. There are Internet cafes to visit, and there are smaller branch libraries to go to, if one must go inside to do something.

Sources: experiences, One If By Land Tours; Denver Colorado sightseeing, USA Tourist, staff; Colorado Rockies, website; experiences, Stanford Co-op