Dependence Vs. Independence: How to Navigate

According to an AARP survey, more than 80 percent of all seniors prefer to"age in place." As baby boomers age, and develop disabilities, they prefer to stay in their own homes. Not only are people living longer, but people with disabilities are receiving improved therapies and assistive devicesthat enable them to stay in their own homes, rather than go to a nursing facility.

According to the Web site Senior Resource, most seniors choose to age in place for several reasons:

Comfortable environs
Feelings of independence
Convenience to services
Familiarity
Safety and security
Proximity to family

It is the last point that can cause a strain on family relationships: You have a disability and need help but want to maintain some independence and dignity. Your adult children want to help but don't know how much they can give, or how much you expect from them. They have demands on their time - both spouses may work outside the home, while raising a family. They run to school functions and sports, and chauffeur the kids. They may resent demands on their time, or promise what they can't deliver. A realistic assessment of the situation can avoid damage to the family relationship caused by anger, disappointment, and resentment.

Your most effective tool is communication. Have a family meeting. Encourage feedback from both sides. Make it clear to your children that you understand their busy lives, and don't expect any more than they can comfortably give. Talk with the professionals in your care team: social worker, doctors, nurses, occupational therapist [OT], physical therapist [PT], etc. Before you meet with your children and their spouses

Limitations: abilities vs. disabilities.

Prognosis: Is your condition progressive? Will it get worse?

Home Modifications and/or assistive devices to keep you independent.

Financial means available to hire help if needed.

Insurance coverage.

Support system outside of family [friends, people at church/temple, other family members]?

Work with PT and OT to make your home accessible.

Establish an emergency phone chain with your children. Better yet, sign up for a medical alert system. A good one is Life Response USA. You wear a "panic button" around your neck, which you press if you fall, or have an emergency in your home. A call box

And if you need help at home? Check out "Share the Care" to learn how to set up a care team of people in your community. Or call a local nursing school or college for reasonably-priced assistance.

Most of all, focus on what you CAN do.

If your children see that you do not solely rely on them as 24/7 caregivers, they will feel at ease. Realistic expectations will prevent anger, disappointment, guilt, and resentment. You will maintain independence and dignity, and save the family relationship.