Deployment: Eight Tips for Survival

In my 11.5 years of being married to the Army, um, to a Soldier, I have survived two long term separations. One was for 17 months and the other was for a year. The first separation was without children. His most recent deployment left me at home with our six year old son. Let me tell you how I survived both.

First of all: keep in touch. I realize that while they are deployed, you probably cannot have their phone number. I understand that, but there are many ways to keep in touch.

Try sending care packages. Deployed service members are not picky. Packages can have home made cookies or store bought. It can be full of baby wipes and deodorant. I think it is the knowledge that someone cared enough to go to the trouble to send it. They look forward to letters, but covet packages while they are deployed.

Send letters, photos and kid's artwork. Every crumb of information from home helps the deployed service member feel more involved. The letters do not have to be novels. Increase the smiles: send a short letter every few days. They look forward to letters.

In this day and age, e-mail is a valid form of contact. Send them often. Please remember that, while deployed, the regular soldiers have to pay per minute to connect to the internet, so don't forward all the jokes you get. Be careful as well not to send a lot of pictures (send them snail-mail instead). They take a long time to download while paying per minute. Same rule applies to e-mail as letters. Short and sweet is OK. They need to know you haven't forgotten them while they are deployed serving in our Armed Forces.

Secondly, I would make sure that you have your deployed spouse's picture all over the house. It will help you and your children. Sometimes it is hard for the little ones to remember Mommy or Daddy's face if they haven't seen it in a while. Put pictures in frames, stick them on the mirror, or put some on the fridge. Maybe even slip them in a small, special deployment memory book that the child can carry around (even take to school in their backpack if they are having a rough day). It will help all of you remember the good times and why you are doing this.

A third idea for surviving the deployment is to remind yourself and your children about the other parent. When your daughter smiles just like her deployed mom, make sure you tell her so. When your son cracks a joke that sounds just like his deployed dad, point it out. When you are out shopping and see Daddy's favorite Milk Duds, grab a box and slip them in the next care package. Have "Daddy's favorite dinner" (or Mommy's) night. Bring the deployed member into your conversations every day.

Deployment survival tip number four would be to continue routines and traditions, both for yourself and your children. If you always go to church as a family, continue to go. If you have Friday night movie night, still have it, even though one family member is deployed. If you have always decorated the tree the day after Thanksgiving, then decorate it the day after Thanksgiving. Keep the kids in their sports or scouts. Try to make the deployment disrupt the household as little as possible. You always hear that children crave routine and it's true. They do. Just don't forget that routines can help all of us maintain equilibrium.

Tying in with number four is our number five: maintain your relationships outside of the family. Deployment is not a time for hibernation. Keep in touch with your friends at church or the PTA. Go grab a coffee with friends. Chat with the other adults at the soccer game. Arrange for play dates. If funds are tight, most Child Development Centers have certain nights or Saturdays where they will watch children of deployed service members for free or at greatly reduced prices. These only come along about once a month or so, so keep alert and call quickly. Spots fill up fast.

While this falls sixth on this surviving deployment list, it is nonetheless very important. Take good care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Take your vitamins. Eat healthier food. The house does not have to be perfect. Remember that any housework done (even if it's not up to your perfect standards) still blesses your family. Deployments are tough. It's not just being without your spouse, but also not knowing how they are doing on a daily basis. Deployments can take a toll on you physically and mentally. If you work outside of the home, don't spend all of your time just working and going home, fixing dinner and helping with homework. Try to incorporate some fun into your days. Set a bedtime and stick to it - for yourself and the kids. You will all feel better. Treat yourself to a bubble bath once a week. Paint your nails. Indulge in a beautifully scented candle or lotion and use it when you need to detach from reality. If getting time alone is difficult, see number five. Try swapping baby sitting duties with another spouse of deployment. Arrange play dates with families you trust and leave the kids there while you have some alone time. It is NOT easy, but it is do-able and very worthwhile. If you don't take care of yourself, who will take care of everything else you have to do while your spouse is deployed?

Dinner is an important time for your family. Utilize your crockpot. Learn easy "15 minute preparation" meals from friends. If you have children, take advantage of the few minutes you have for dinner by turning off the TV and just talking about your days. Deployment is really tough for the kids. They say they understand, but "knowing" doesn't help their hurting, lonely hearts. Learn their newest joke or crush; what they had for their school lunch or how their classes are going. Try just to listen and not judge. Be their sounding board. Family closeness is as important for you as it is for your children while your loved one is deployed.

An eighth idea to survive deployment is to keep in touch with your unit's Family Readiness Group. Take advantage of their support. Especially during deployments, they often have things going on for you and for the kids. They might have tax preparation classes or puppet shows, Video Tele-Conferences or Christmas Parties. Everyone there knows what you are going through, as their spouses are deployed, too. Sometimes it is really nice just to talk to someone who has a clue to your frustrations and difficulties. Friends outside of the military are valuable assets, but there is a camaraderie you share with friends who are associated with the military. Embrace them during your tough times and you will survive.

I hope these ideas can help you and your family survive while your loved one is deployed. It has never been easy to be married to the military. We should always remember to be thankful. We have 24 hour news, e-mail, and internet access. Think of those spouses of the past who did not have these advantages. Their times alone were much more difficult, but they made it through. Try to follow my suggestions. While my spouse has not had back to back to back deployments as others have, I hope that my ideas and suggestions can help you cope until your loved one returns home safely.