Deployment Grief: Preparing for a Spouse's Military Deployment

Being a military spouse is a unique experience, filled with heartaches and joys that many people will never get to know. The pride we feel for what our spouse does is weighed against the pain of separation. The loneliness of deployment is weighed against the satisfaction in realizing our strength in being on our own. There are many struggles we endure, all for the love of our spouse.

There are many resources available for military spouses, and when it comes to deployment they say chiefly the same thing about the emotional stages experienced during a deployment. For pre-deployment they say to expect disbelief, anger, picking fights over little things to distance each other, and a fear of succeeding alone. These were the experiences I was expecting as my husband prepared for his first deployment. While he had been underway for periods of one and a half to two and a half weeks, preparing for a deployment proved to be a very different experience. I found that my emotions followed a very different route than the books predicted.

In the weeks before the deployment, I was beyond disbelief, possibly even beyond denial. I just pushed it out of my brain. This was fairly easy to do because it was Christmas week, and we were home with our families. I was so busy enjoying the occasion, the only time deployment entered my thoughts was when someone else asked about it. Some may consider this unhealthy, but I am very glad for it. The only thing that thinking about deployment would have accomplished would be to create those feelings of resentment and apprehension, which I have always felt exaggeratedly strong. Instead, I was able to enjoy my husband and our families over the holiday.

We drove home on New Years' Day, and his ship was leaving on the fourth. This gave us two whole days at home with each other. I will not say we did not bicker at all, but that is normal for us, and I certainly did not want to push him away. Instead I made sure, even when I was upset, to be open and available, and not to squander our last days on petty non-issues. One reason for this bickering is that we tried to cram as much as we could in those last two days, getting work done on the house and other last-minute odds and ends. I think in the future I will put a moratorium on unnecessary last-minute work, so we can spend that time enjoying each other.

Preparing for deployment was easier for me than I anticipated, and I am thankful for that. I can look back at those last days, and while there are some things I wish were different-such as the shipmate who spent the night on our couch on our last night together-I have good memories of our last few days together, and I trust that my husband left with similar good feelings, for which I am very thankful. I am proud that we made it through this portion of our deployment grief.

If you would like to read about my experiences during and after deployment, please check back to my Content Producer page.