Depression and Anxiety: My Perspective

This is a very personal topic for me since it is something I have lived with most of my life. I've had many different diagnoses over the years, but the ones that seem to be constant though in varying forms, have been depression and anxiety. I also have a couple other mental health diagnosis that I won't get into her along with arthritis in my lower back, and with the combination of everything I am considered to be disabled under Social Security Disability requirements.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was twelve years old. There have been times where all I could do is sleep and when I wasn't sleeping I would stare at the wall or ceiling not really fully aware that the wall or ceiling was even there, just in sort of a daze combined with a feeling like my whole world had collapsed on top of me. Other times depression took the form of a blah sort of feeling that seemed to cause me to feel like a robot without feelings just kind of going through the motions of life taking care of the bare minimum I had to do to survive, yet everything was a uge effort to try and get going on it. I've been told by various professionals at different times, that I tend to cycle with a pattern that takes me from baseline (my normal) to low (depressed) in terms of how my depression cycles. While it's difficult for me to put a finger on exactly what triggers a downward cycle in me, I think that my tendency to personalize things others say might be part of it combined with environmental factors such as the change from summer to fall to winter. I also think that life events played a role in my struggle with depression, and then there's the age old 'blame it on genetics' thing. Whatever the cause I know that based on my past history, I'm heading into the hardest part of the year for me. I know that at this point I need to make a conscious effort to look for the good or positive in situations, because when I realize everything is doom and gloom, it generally means I'm at a crisis point and if I can't work my way out of where I'm at I will most likely need to be hospitalized in order to get my medications adjusted or changed and to ensure that I don't act on thoughts of harming myself. Sometimes simply going to the store and having a cashier tell me to "have a good day" can be enough to slow the decent, other times I'll do things like watch a movie, write, call friends or family, spend time with my dog who is always good for amusing me with her antics or we simply have cuddle time together.

When it comes to anxiety, I'm usually okay at home unless something really strange or unusual startles me then I might panic a little, but my worst place to be when it comes to my struggle with anxiety is anywhere there could be crowds of people. Crowds could be perceived as 3 people blocking me so I'm in the middle of an aisle in the grocery store, or it could be a larger group of upto 100 or more people. Family gatherings, are something I love but at the same time I find myself planning in my head how I'm going to get away from everyone to get a breather and regroup, since I quit smoking, finding ways to duck out are a little more challenging, but it works out. I use a service dog to help manage my mental illnesses, and to be honest I often wonder how I functioned without her, because even though I still struggle with depression and anxiety, it seems like it's easier to manage these and other things with the aid of my service dog.

As I write this, I'm mentally preparing myself for Thanksgiving dinner with my family, I'm not sure if my Sister and her family will be there, but from the sounds of it it will be my Mom, my Brother and his family, myself, and depending on how healthy my Sister and her family are, maybe they will be there as well. I love my family, but sometimes the kids get to be too much for me, they are just being kids so I don't blame them, but I do find that I need to be aware of how I'm feeling and what my service dog is telling me. Like most people I'll be exhausted by the time I get home, but hopefully it will be a good kind of tired and not the kind of exhausted feeling I have after a panic attack.

I think that the thing I've learned about myself is that I need to be constantly aware of when I'm hitting the red zone before it happens and if I think I'm headed that direction I need to find ways to regroup and then go back to my family, because the holidays aren't so much about what I get or what I give to others, as it is who I'm with and even though I struggle with depression and anxiety, I also know that family and friends are very important to help me prevent myself from spiraling into a state of depression. It's just being around them and trying to enjoy the moment that makes getting through the holidays possible for me. So, yes like many I'll have my own struggles this holiday season, but I also know I have the tools to manage my symptoms before they spiral out of control at least that's my hope.

If you're reading this because you feel like you're the only one in the world that feels depressed or anxious or you have a family member that is dealing with either or both of these, know that you are not alone, and that there is always something better for you then what you currently see even though it may not feel like it at the time, there is an end to the panic or the darkness of depression, you just need to keep trying to reach through the darkness and eventually you'll find your way.