Depression: A Long, Hard Battle

One of the most troublesome conditions in the United States today, and affecting almost all age groups is depression. I can't begin to imagine the inflation in that number with the changes in our economy. With the number of those unemployed going up, that doesn't help either. When people begin to feel like they have less options, and they can't pay their bills the frustration and tears come, and when the feelings don't go away it's a sign of depressive disorder. I can relate to what most are feeling as I started struggling with a severe bout of depression at the age of sixteen.

In November of 1993, I was living in a whirlwind. I was a senior in high school, I was working hard towards an athletic scholarship for college, I was preparing for the ACT and my parents split. I had too much to think about in the wake of focusing on good grades for college while being at top performance for every softball game. With all of this on my mind, my mind took a trip of its own along with my emotional state. My parents splitting up was the turning point, and as I tried to deal with this I fell into a is depression. According to Health Central, 18 million Americans are affected by depression each year, and about 13% of those are teenagers.

It seemed so easy in the very beginning with my mom taking me to my primary care doctor and having him prescribe me Prozac. My first thought was that this medicine would just change everything. In reality, the medicine would never change the situation, let alone change instantly my mental or emotional state. I was feeling suicidal, I was sleeping and never wanting to get out of bed, and I wasn't even eating anymore. It even felt as though breathing took extreme effort. The doctor told me that this medicine would take some time to work and for my mom to keep an eye on me. He also told her that if I started feeling worse to take me to the Emergency Room at the hospital. I was alarmed at the thought that my sadness would take me this far, but was it getting dangerous that my doctor would actually tell my mother to take me to the emergency room if I felt worse? Did he mean if I felt more suicidal, or was it a silent code meaning "make sure she doesn't hurt herself or others?"

Depression initially is discovered as someone is feeling "down in the dumps", or often they are feeling "blue", but the lasting effects of it will show up in the way of personality changes and uncharacteristic behavior. According to the Mayo Clinic, depression is a long term illness that would need treatment just as diabetes would, or even high blood pressure. Depression can be major, or in the early stages a lot of folks will say they think they are depressed. I knew something was really wrong when I didn't even want to take a shower or get dressed, and to brush my teeth was taking way too much effort. I would cry often, and I finally just got tired of crying all the time. Whether I was in class or at home alone, I would just sit and cry. When my anger grew hot over my parents separating just days after silently discovering that my dad was in another relationship, my condition just grew significantly worse. My own personal experience with depression in addition to having others share their stories with me, tells me there is usually some sort of trigger that brings it to a head. For me, this was the case but no two people share the exact same experience of symptoms.

The day after my dad had somewhat moved out of our home was the day I skipped school for a doctor's appointment with my primary care. This is the day I started on my first dose of Prozac. I wasn't sure what to expect although I had heard that some people felt great while others had horrible reactions. I went on a mission to find reading material on depression and wanted to learn everything I could. While at Barnes and Noble, I came across a book by Peter D. Kramer, and the cover of the book could not have been more appropriate. The cover boasts a man running, while holding his head up in the air. That is how I felt after about a week. I felt like I was becoming detached in many different ways. I was waking up in cold sweats because of nightmares I was having, and I was having very vivid dreams about killing people. One night, I had fallen asleep on the couch watching television waiting for my mom to come home so she could get her taxes done. When I heard her opening the door to come in, I was startled and as I sat up on the couch I saw a black shadow run across the living room. This was one of the most eye opening experiences I had with any medication. It was opening me up the spirit realm at the age of sixteen, and yet I wasn't even using anything recreational like marijuana or LSD. I thought these types of experiences were reserved for those abusing drugs, but I found out otherwise. This prompted a call to my family doctor and the round of Prozac was eliminated from my daily regimen of medications.

The next step was to find a medication that would work, while also getting me into counseling. I felt like I couldn't talk to my mom about how I was feeling only because I felt like I was a burden to her. I felt that she was under enough stress as it was with the impending divorce, and I couldn't talk to dad because we had a divide that grew deeper as the days grew longer with him out of the home. I was told I couldn't tell my brother because he was away at college and we couldn't distract him. So, who was I going to talk to? Other than God himself, I had no one. I had the dog that looked at me as though he understood every word I said, and he was always closed by when I sat on the floor and bowed my head to cry. My tears never ended, and the carpet was the only hand to wipe them dry. The only promise of hope for me was that this new medication would kick in soon.

The next prescription I was given was Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin was newer at the time, and many of the doctor's patients had reported success with this drug. I thought I would give it a try since I was desperate for anything to help me get through this. I didn't want to hold onto a pill, but at the time I felt I had no other choice. After about three or four days, I woke up and I felt renewed. I felt like God had smiled on me and that I wanted to take a shower, get dressed and go to school. This was a feeling I had not experienced in well over a month. I got there early that morning smiling, and my friends seemed to notice the change. The day went by quickly, and without even realizing what was happening, I cracked open my books to start studying and had dinner on the table when mom came home. She was in shock. I hadn't called her or anything to express my boredom, or the classic complaint with tears about how she was never around. I was just fine, and I had my grandmother out sitting in the living room with me watching television to bring about a sense of family. I had even grown so sad that I would leave her in her room alone because I just didn't even want to talk to her. It wasn't intentional, but depression makes you feel that way and you just start shutting people out.

This is just a glimpse into the beginning of depression. It has many ugly faces, and many forms of depression exist that result from other illnesses. There is postpartum depression that people experience after giving birth, major depressive disorder and depression that occurs as a side affect a malfunctioning thyroid. The biggest challenge for me and other patients out there is being heard. There should never be a day go by where someone feels like they can't get the help they need or just have someone to listen to. That thought alone can be depressing.