Depression: A Poem of Existence
Living with Depression; Just Existing
And then I feel too much
The tears come
And I don't know why
Overwhelmed with sadness
A life filled with lies
The tiny little secrets
That we hold dear
Raise their ugly heads
And bite us in the rear
Stuff it
Don't think about it
It will disappear
But I can't escape
It keeps coming back
Year after year
A different time and place
New people dealing
But the same old crap
I'm tired and I want to be done
I can't fight anymore
This battle can't be won
I will survive, I must survive
Winners never quit
So I stuff it back down again
And instead of living
I ... exist
Depression takes my hand
A familiar friend
Thought I said goodbye to you
But I see you're back again
Leave me alone, I plead
Bother someone else
Let me live my life in peace
Go back upon your shelf
But a better friend, I will never have
Depression is always there for me
When I shove my feelings aside
She suffocates my pride
Making it hard to
See the good in me
***
My dear friends,
Having just completed 10 years of college this past Monday, receiving my MBA for International Management, I started the week off with jubilation and pride. I am re-acquainting myself with old friends, and my emotions are high. Over the years, I have learned to stave off depression by staying really busy and it works for the most part but sometimes I get so busy, I choose not to feel. I just shut down.
When I become still, that is when the torrential wave of emotions take over, and remind me that I'm a loser, a failure, unlovable, and unloving. I know that I'm not alone feeling these things; I have many friends and family members that also battle with depression. Awareness is the first step, acceptance is the second, and then for me, action is the third.
I have begun writing my memoir and am stirring up old emotions. It isn't going to be easy to do this, but I am going to do it. It is necessary; not just for me, but for others like me. For many years, I chose to ignore how I felt, what I felt, and why I felt the way I do. My family has suffered, and I have suffered, and I know I can no longer continue to do this. I need to face my fears head on and begin to live again.
About four years ago, I had a medical doctor tell me I was put on this earth for a reason. I'm still not sure why, but I believe when I answer this calling to tell my story, I will find out. Thanks for your continued support; it means a lot to me.
Published by Kay Balbi
"Life is a journey, not a destination. You only get one life-are you living it?" Freelance writer and business management consultant Kay Balbi has many passions and interests to share. She is an author, insp... View profile
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20 Comments
Post a CommentOh my goodness dear readers. When you started responding to me in this article, I couldn't believe it. I wrote my book, published it in December, and since then, my life keeps getting better and better. I've met other women who were born like I was. They are from all over the world. I've gotten career opportunities while I was marketing my story. I've got a chance to do some inspirational speaking. Sharing my secrets has opened the door to a new life for me. I am very happy today. Hang in there and keep facing those fears head on. You can change your life.
Thank you, Kay - I wish you peace.
A very poignant story and an important one for others out there suffering! Well done, Kay- you are one brave woman!
*typo: on = one
Very powerful. I'm sure many can relate. I hope on day you can get rid of that 'friend' for good. :)
"raise their ugly heads and bite us in the rear" don't they though?
I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO get this. You have my admiration my friend.
Dear Kay. you are so incredible in all that you have achieved..Like many of us we keep busy. Depression can't hit a moving target. Good luck with your memoirs. You are so talented...You are an awesome writer, you can fix things and now you have a MBA.
Congrats on the MBA. I find getting outside and enjoying nature the only way to escape the blues.
Oh Yes, I too can relate. For me though it sometimes feels like Manic Depression - might be the Gemini in me - it's all good or it's all bad - not much in between. Thankfully it's mostly all good - the bad days are pretty dark... You've touched on something many people live with every day and unless we can walk in someone else's shoes, no one can truly know... I love you and I'm proud of you for all you continue to accomplish. CONGRATS KAY!