Depressives R Us- Comic Relief

If you don't know who Navin R. Johnson is, you haven't taken responsibility for your depression. Hint: Think Steve Martin in the "The Jerk". We'll get back to some memorable passages in just a few moments.

Nothing helps a depressive like comic relief and lots of serotonin. It is quite common to feel depression as soon as a good movie ends, even more so if you've lost the remote control under the empty dishes and self-help books on your nightstand. In this case, you will just have to watch another movie or read my blog-making sure to take part in one of the many twisted polls that only a true depressive could appreciate.

Poll Question: If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. -Conan O' Brien
Poll choices: Smiled-I'm calling in sick again-Please stop with the lemon analogies.

I feel it my philanthropic duty to coach you away from your desire to hang yourself by a ceiling fan. This is a poor choice. Have you seen how most of them wobble? It is amazing they stay up at all. Believe me, the only thing anyone will find is a huge mess of plasterboard with you helplessly tangled in a knot but still thriving. Other things that don't work but that you may want to try are 'death by chocolate'. I've never heard of it working, but you might land a spot on, "The Biggest Loser"

'Death by sex' is best taken as a suicide pact .Make sure your partner in suicide has been tested for all the standard STDs. Studies have shown (okay- I'm making this up I don't know of any studies) that attempting suicide through continued sexual intercourse can bring on a desire to continue to live until the next orgasm. Upside- no depression. Downside-You may have to attend 'Twelve Step' meetings. I have it on good authority that herpes spreads faster than 90-day chips.

As a depressive, I am also a compulsive liar (equals humor writer). Remembering Pareto's Rule- Twenty percent of everything I write is true or is it eighty percent?

Back to "The Jerk"

Steve Martin, one of the whitest people in Hollywood plays Navin . Even his hair is white. Navin's story begins," It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi..." He's dancing and clapping while his black mother looks on with sympathy at his lack of rhythm.

One day, his mama decides to tell him he's adopted," Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child." Navin very upset, "I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?"[Sobbing] His mama," Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass." (A baboon's ass really is something only a mother could love.)

Afterwards he leaves home and discovers the thrill of finding himself in the white pages. His first sexual encounter is with a carnival stuntwoman. "First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm [tattooed]on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."

Movies that made me feel better this week.

The winners are, 'The Jerk', 'Finding Nemo', 'Serious Moonlight', 'Goin'South' and 'Sunshine Cleaning'.

Warning: These movies could increase suicidal feelings. If you have sudden pains, rash, serious urinary malfunctions, loss of appetite, increase of appetite, unusual swelling or find yourself emitting a fowl odor contact your doctor immediately as these may be signs of serious side effects of having viewed this material.