Despite Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz and Sophia Loren the Movie 'Nine' is Unwatchable

It can take a while for American films to arrive here in rural France. The programme doesn't always give a lot of detail either: "Paf, encore un film Americain..."

So I paid my euros and went into the cinema not even knowing Nine is a musical. I don't know about you but I don't like musicals much. Still, as it began I reasoned it had lots of good actors in it - Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren.

And then, three seconds in, Day Lewis started overacting - hamming it up like a shoulder of pork, and I sat back in my seat in horror. I didn't see Director Rob Marshall's Chicago, precisely because I don't like musicals and the only trailer I was inadvertently subjected to was Catherine Zeta-Jones simpering and wiggling, in black suspenders, and looking awfully pleasedwith herself while flinging begloved arms out to the audience and doing what is called 'belting out' a song.

I got the same sinking feeling watching Day Lewis prance about in Nine that I got watching Zeta-Jones wiggle. It was embarrassment at seeing someone show off in such an unrestrained way. Leaping about, ogling the showgirls in their knickers and whatnot, it just wasn't him. He was wildly miscast for this stuff. No more convincing in fact than Barak Obama would be in the same role.

I don't know if Americans use the same expression, but Brits call a particular kind of British actor "a luvvie". Judy Dench is a consummate luvvie. So is Emma Thompson. Vanessa Redgrave is the Queen of Luvviedom. Daniel Day Lewis is a moderate luvvie. And luvvies love showing off. Their best fun is flinging out their arms and saying 'Look at me'. Which is what Rob Marshall encouraged Day Lewis to do.

It made this viewer cringe.

After he got carried aloft by preening dancers and then put down again things got even worse. He smirked his way through a press conference. Kate Hudson featured briefly, which was a bonus. Then we got to Penelope Cruz acting like a strumpet. Also miscast really, as a brassy showgirl. Penelope Cruz is lovely and acts well. She's watchable in any Almodovar film. But sliding about in Nine singing to Day Lewis while he writhed in hammy delight was so-o cheesy. This was cheese and ham with extra cheese on top.

As the number ended I turned to the friend I was with and just as I whispered "Shall we go?" he said "Shall we go?" We sneaked out in the dark, tripping up on the steps, and entered the foyer. The manager spotted us leaving and said knowingly (in French obviously) "You too huh?" We asked "What?" and he pointed with a thumb over his shoulder. "The American film" he said. "I couldn't watch it either. Tragic really. All those pretty girls but I couldn't take more than fifteen minutes of it."

I may be in a small minority of movie goers who didn't like this film. But I'm not even that hard to please. Till Nine, I hadn't walked out of a film for over twenty years. I do wonder if it got better as it went along. But I have an instinctive feeling it didn't.