Destructive Gossip: Poison to Family Relationships

Destructive gossip in families is rooted in childhood hurts and resentments. A child who feels neglected, who is the family "scapegoat", who has a sibling or siblings who seem to outshine him or her--that child is the one who often carries grudges into adulthood. That child tries everything in his or her power to discredit the brother(s) or sister(s) whose "very presence" seemed to steal his or her "just desserts." Let's call the gossiper Flo. Flo's anger is intense and is misdirected. The victim of destructive gossip, Mo, was a child at the same time as Flo. Mo didn't do anything intentionally to hurt Flo. It is the parents who are responsible for a lopsided social order in families; it is the parents who choose to play favorites. The victim of destructive gossip is often paying for the sins of the parents. The sentence lasts a lifetime.

Flo cannot acknowledge anything positive about Mo. Flo thinks that Mo is always favored by relatives, by parents, and by friends. Flo finds fault with everything about Mo, including his or her spouse and children. Flo is motivated to discredit Mo in every possible way. The problem is, Flo never feels any better. Flo cannot get filled up. In Flo's eyes, Mo just keeps stealing the thunder.

In a desperate attempt to achieve the status so longed for, Flo finally pulls out the big guns-- destructive gossip. Flo knows exactly where to go and how to get started. Dial the gatekeeper of the rumor mill who is the one family member who specializes in spreading lies. It works. Family members who listen to the destructive gossip do not try to validate the accusations. They accept them hook, line, and sinker. Mo is accused and convicted without any chance of defense. Flo's destructive gossip is painful enough, but the judgment and shunning by extended family members leaves Mo feeling isolated and betrayed.

What is Mo to do?

At first, Mo ignores the gossip in hopes that it will go away. It doesn't. People who listen to destructive gossip and spread it to others are not going to humiliate themselves by admitting that they were wrong. Destructive gossip is always wrong. There may be two sides to every story, but there is no justification for destructive gossip and the subsequent shunning of a family member.

Mo does not want to utilize the same tactics as Flo. Mo knows Flo's hurts and feels protective of him or her. Mo's hope is that Flo will win the battle within, and that a family relationship can eventually be restored.

Mo tries to communicate with Flo, but Flo denies everything and keeps a frigid distance. Flo does not want to talk to Mo face-to-face. Gossipers tend to be cowards and do not want to be in the presence of the person they've accused. Flo begins to believe that the destructive gossip was all true and that it is justified.

Finally, Mo gives up. Mo has tried to have a relationship with Flo, and it has not worked. Though Mo is grieved by the situation, he or she lets it rest.

The bottom line is this: gossipers cannot be stopped. The recipient of destructive gossip has to rise above the pain, keep from utilizing the same tactics as the destructive gossiper, put trust in God, and get counseling if needed. Above all, live well. We all know that living well is the ultimate revenge.