Determining a Budget to Deal with Financial Conflicts

Money can be a factor that tends to either unite couples or separate them. Determining how to spend and save money can have a big impact on the marriage. When couples disagree or have difficulty managing their finances, it can create chaos and conflict.

Sometimes money problems result from neither person in the marriage having much knowledge about finance and spending habits. Setting a family budget requires a sort of business-like partnership where both people can work together to discuss a reasonable budget. It is important to determine how much to spend on necessities as well as extra things such as entertainment. Determining how much to money to save for short-term expenses like a vacation as well as long-term goals such as retirement requires some preparation as well.

Sometimes however, couples work out a budget that they both say they agree on, but then one person does not follow the plan. This can lead to conflict where one person feels angry and betrayed and the spender may feel justified. Sometimes one spouse attempts to control the other person by setting an allowance, which can cause the other spouse to spend more money in an act of rebellion.

Competition can result from disagreements about money. If one spouse purchases a new cell phone, the other one buys a new computer. Couples can become overly concerned with what is "fair." If you buy something new, I must have something new as well.

Other times the primary breadwinner may feel entitled to spend more money. The attitude of "I earned it," can result. The person who earns more may feel resentful of their spouse's spending habits as well. Feelings of possessiveness can result as the person feels their partner is "spending my money."

Money can also be used to punish the other spouse. Overspending or restricting money as a way to punish the other person for their behaviors. For example, saying, "I had to go to your mother's house for the weekend, so I went on a shopping spree."

Finances can be used to control the other person as well. For example, Bob disliked the fact that Susie went out to lunch each day with co-workers. He worried she was spending too much time with her male co-workers and he was jealous. So he told her they could no longer afford for her to go out to lunch but instead she has to pack a lunch each day. He thought that this would help their marital problems but didn't tell her the real reason he did not want her to go to lunch.

It is important to review how you and your partner view money. Do you have a budget? If not, it is important to start one. Having an idea of how much money you earn, how much you spend and where the money goes, and how much you are saving is important. Set financial goals together and prioritize what is important to you.

Once you have established a budget, periodically visit how well you did sticking to the budget. Do you overspend each month? Does your partner? If so, it is important to look at the underlying reasons. Maybe the budget was too strict and it would be unrealistic to stick to it.

Or maybe one of you sabotages the budget each month. If so, what are the underlying reasons? Do you try to punish your partner? Or do you disagree with the budget but haven't said so and are instead acting out your disapproval? Do you feel like your partner is too tight when it comes to financial matters?

Are either you or your partner guilty of lying about money? Perhaps you make purchases and later conceal them. Or do you shuffle money around in certain accounts and claim ignorance about what happened to the money?

Financial issues can be a problem for many couples. Sometimes money problems are a symptom of other underlying marital issues. Financial problems will impact your everyday life right now as well as your future. It is important to work out financial disagreements. If you and your partner are struggling to manage your finances and have difficulty coming to an agreement, consider seeking help. Couples therapy can often help people identify the underlying problems and can help couples work through associated issues.