Develop Students' Conflict Resolution Skills: Advice for Middle and Secondary School Teachers

Interview question from a teacher information site

What advice would you offer to middle or high school teachers who are trying to develop their students' conflict resolution skills?

My response

No matter what subject you teach, it would behoove you to spend a day or two teaching students how to do the following activities.

Post the following three classroom rules

Post the following three classroom rules: (1) One person talks at a time. (2) The Golden Rule prevails. Treat each person even better than you wish to be treated. (3) You may make decisions and choices about your behavior as long as it doesn't cause a problem for the teacher, your classmates, or yourself.

Rule #1 - One person talks at a time

Per rule #1, give your personal dictionary definition of what constitutes talking. Talking is your mouth is moving and there is any kind of sound coming out. This includes talking to yourself, talking to somebody else, whispering, singing, or sound effects.

Teaching display poster link: Teacher's Dictionary Definition for TALKING

Your classroom should be a safe zone from put-downs

Explain that your classroom is a safe zone from put-downs. No one should be allowed to call the other students or the teacher dumb or stupid or idiotic. Similarly, their ideas are not to be labeled as dumb or stupid or idiotic. Set up an environment where everyone will be treated with respect. If they feel driven to do a bit of name-calling, give them the more benign alternatives of calling each other 'silly' or 'foolish' or 'goofy' or 'weird' or 'crazy' or even a 'silly goose'. I must admit that 'silly goose' became an all-time favorite. I would occasionally hear students calling each other a 'silly goose' out in the hallway.

'I Message' Sentence Starters

Per Rule #2, post the list of 'I Message Sentence Starters. Often, put-downs happen without the teacher being able to hear. This interrupts the learning environment to such an extent that you no longer have the attention of your students anyway. Therefore, it would be helpful to get two student volunteers to demonstrate how to use these 'I Messages'.

Perhaps Tom has called Sally a name. Sally should raise her hand and state, "Tom just put me down. I would like to use an I Message to try to handle it on my own." She would then turn to Tom and state, "Tom, I would appreciate it if you will not put me down anymore because that makes me feel disrespected."

Then, the whole class will listen to see whether Tom makes a sincere apology. If the apology appears sincere and Sally feels better, he will not get in trouble this time. However, if he ever calls Sally that name or a similar name again, he will receive a set of consequences of your choice for having broken Rule #2.

I agree that initially, you are taking class time to teach this process and class time to defuse a conflict situation, but teaching these life lessons and enforcing a more peaceful classroom environment will far outweigh the possible time lost.

The difference between Responsible Reporting and Tattling or Snitching

Teach the students that there is a difference between Responsible Reporting and Tattling or Snitching. Tattling or Snitching is when you are perhaps purposely trying to get another person in trouble for disrespecting you. Responsible Reporting is when you need help in taking care of yourself such as in using 'I Messages' or when someone has brought a zero tolerance item to school such as a weapon of some type or an illegal substance. You are helping the school and possibly even that person to not make a terrible mistake that might come back to haunt him or her always.

Three outcomes to conflict

Teach the students that there are always three outcomes to conflict: LOSE-LOSE, WIN-LOSE, and WIN-WIN.

If you are a Social Studies or History teacher, get students to site examples in history of when each of those outcomes occurred. Have them evaluate which outcome worked out the best in the long run.

If you are a Language Arts or English teacher, you could get students to write essays about when those particular outcomes happened in their lives, the lives of their friends and family members, or the lives of television or movie characters they have vicariously witnessed. Get them to evaluate which outcome worked out the best.

If you are a Literature teacher, you could get students to find examples from literature when those various outcomes happened and evaluate the results. Ideally, students will come to realize that working toward a WIN-WIN outcome where both contenders feel acknowledged, respected, and safe is a worthy and worthwhile goal.

Passive Aggressive, and Assertive responses to conflict

Finally, teach students the three responses to conflict: PASSIVE, AGGRESSIVE, and ASSERTIVE. If nothing else, post a list of ASSERTIVE Responses to Conflict so that students are aware of some positive alternatives to their possibly more reflexive negative behavior choices.

You may wish to post the list of Passive behavior on Yellow paper as if this is yellow light behavior that indicates yielding or possibly being a wimp and/or socially immature.

Post the list of Aggressive behavior on Red paper as this is red light behavior to be stopped.

Post the list of Assertive behavior on Green behavior as this behavior is green light behavior or a go. All Assertive Responses to Conflict are definitely to be nurtured and encouraged.

PASSIVE Responses to Conflict include: ignore or avoid, hide feelings, whine, fake crying, giving in to be polite, gossip or rumors, ignore a conflict, quiet denials, make faces, roll eyes, quiet put-downs, tattle or snitch, doing that 'attitude thing'.

AGGRESSIVE Responses to Conflict include: yell, hit, push, threats or promises (i.e., "That's not a threat. It's a promise."), fights, loud denials, stomp around, slam doors, loud put-downs, break or destroy.

ASSERTIVE Responses to Conflict include: sincere apologies, responsible reporting, compromise, talk it out, WIN-WIN Outcome, active listening, respecting, understand others, manners, I Messages, firmly set boundaries (i.e, "That is not okay that you put me down. I expect you to treat me with respect from now on as I will treat you with respect as well."), acting on morals, self-mentor.

Interview question from a teacher information site

What have you learned about conflict resolution through your experience that has surprised or struck you in some way?

My response

When attempting to teach conflict resolution strategies and character education techniques to students, the least stressful, most productive approach is to be aware that students will process this new information in a spiral approach manner. Present the information. Let them practice the suggestion in a classroom-lab type setting by allowing them to lab or role-play the conflict situation to try this possibly alien behavior on for size just as you would try on a new coat to see how well it fits. Encourage the class to discuss the pros and cons of attempting this more positive reaction to conflict as opposed to their more face-saving name-calling or hitting or fighting.

It is then the teacher's job to release the outcome. Even if the student doesn't implement this new suggestion right away, be confident that somewhere down the line, he or she may finally see that finding more positive ways to deal with conflict will become more attractive to them as they grow and mature. As a teacher, all we can do is plant seeds and hope that those seeds will eventually fall upon fertile ground.

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