Developing Healthy Relationships with Your Adult Children

Every parent has hopes and dreams for their children to grow up into successful career men and women. It does not always happen that way. Maybe the career they are passionate about does not yield the kind of income you had wanted for them or maybe education is not the route they choose to follow. Maybe you raised your daughter with strong Christian values and when she was finally free to make her own decisions, the church did not satisfy her. Often times, parents are unhappy with their adult child's choice of a spouse. In all of these situations both parent and adult child are left in an uncomfortable place that, if dealt with insensitively, could lead to a very stressful, tense and hostile situation.

Parents find themselves in unfamiliar territory the first time that their adult child makes a major lifestyle decision that they do not agree with. During childhood there were many courses of action that parents could take in order to demonstrate to the child their dissatisfaction and the unacceptability of the child's actions. When children are in elementary school, a parent can put them on time-out. When they are in middle-school, a parents can ground them or take away certain privileges. When they are in high school and even college, parents can refuse financial support. However, once a child is a self-supporting adult, parents tend to alienate their children as a form of punishment. There are times when the alienation is a subconscious effect of a parent's dissatisfaction.

There are other times where it is a decision that is made with the confidence that an adult child will be forced to choose between the family that he or she was raised by and loves deeply and the lifestyle that satisfies them. Regardless of the situation, parents should not attempt to punish adult children for their lifestyles. It is ineffective and will inevitably breed resentment. As anyone can easily deduce, long-term resentment will destroy any chance for a healthy relationship between parents and adult children. Before you bombastically voice your dissatisfaction with your adult child's lifestyle consider the following.

1. Look inside of yourself. Disregard the opinions and judgments of friends, family and the church. By spreading news of your dissatisfaction with your adult child's choices, you may alter relationships between your adult child and the rest of your family. While some parents may think that making the situation more difficult for their children may yield more promising results, it is best to allow the rest of the family to decide for themselves whether they will be supportive or not. Voicing your opinions openly, may cause the rest of the family to feel like they would be stepping on your toes if they were to decide to lend a helping hand to the child you are at odds with. The problem is between you and your adult child. Can you be content with yourself knowing that your actions resulted in a divided family?

2. Think about the decisions you made that your parents did not agree with. This may require digging deep into your memory bank, but what you find may be useful in assessing the situation. Regardless of what you told your children while they were growing up, you made mistakes during your life that your parents did not agree with. You probably even made decisions that your parents did not agree with that worked out well for you. If you made it through your early adulthood without making any decisions of which your parents disapproved, you are an exception! It is normal and acceptable to make decisions that go against the counsel of your friends and family. People learn from experience, not from being treated badly by other people due to disagreements.

3. Ask yourself if you're willing to cut all contact with your adult child. Alienating your son or daughter, may produce the desired outcome, but it may not. You risk breeding resentment that may never be erased. In a situation where you disagree with your child's choice of spouse, you may succeed in alienating the spouse to the point where your child's romantic relationship is destroyed. Unfortunately, once the relationship is gone, the problem is not resolved. Even if you succeed in bringing the disagreeable behavior to a halt, you may not be able to salvage the relationship. Be aware that if you treat your child with contempt, your point may be articulated, but it may negatively taint their opinion of you.

4. Realize they are independent adults, just like you and just like your adult friends and their adult children. More than likely you would not alienate a friend or a sibling, because you disagree with their lifestyle. In order to avoid creating an uncomfortable situation for both parties, you may not even tell a friend that you disagree with his lifestyle. You may think that the situation is severe enough to merit making that person uncomfortable, but the discomfort has no true benefit for you.

5. Learn to be forgiving. You can disagree with something, forgive and move on. This does not mean that you pretend the situation does not exist. It means that you understand your son or daughter never intended to hurt you and they are just pursuing what satisfies them. If you are willing to forgive, they will also be willing to accept that you do not condone the behavior, but at the same time you will not hold it over their heads in order to make them miserable. Forgiveness is key for developing a healthy relationship even under circumstance that you, as a parent, find adverse.

Once you have seriously evaluated yourself, if you still feel that it is appropriate to alienate your adult child for their lifestyle, consider speaking to someone before you act on your emotions. If you are comfortable with inviting your son or daughter to attend family counseling with you, that is a big step. Rest assured that most adult children will make an effort to have a healthy relationship with their parents, as it alleviates tension on both sides . Family counseling allows sensitive issues to be discussed with a mediator who will ensure that acerbic words are not exchanged. If you are not comfortable with requesting that your child attend family counseling or if distance does not permit that you attend together, consider attending on your own. If that is not a financially feasible option, speak to a friend who you know can be objective. It is ineffective to speak to a friend who shares your views or chooses sides. Realize that you are not alone. Families go through similar, if not identical situations, and survive them with healthy relationships every day. Also realize that not taking steps to occlude the resentment, hostility and animosity will result in a family divided.