Diary of a Substitute Teacher: Day 2

2nd Grade - Riverbank Elementary or something
Dec 5th, 2007

So I took a couple days off to recover from the waste of space Low School, I mean High School, substituting day.
I accepted an assignment to teach 2nd grade since I do need money and even though it takes them 1-2 months to pay me, I eventually do get a pay check. I suggested that they could work a lot faster if their donuts weren't directly on the keyboard as they typed out the payroll, but no one ever listens, anyway back to my day.

I arrived at the school at the exact time they told me, since I learned from High school that they try to trick you. I was only 30 minutes early this time which was needed to go over the lesson plan. I felt good. I was waving to all the teachers and held myself in complete esteem. I felt important. I was a substitute, a part of the teacher camaraderie for one day at least.

It actually felt like I tricked someone to get hired and into the class, but nope. I walked to my classroom and one of my soon to be victims looked up at me with his extremely blue eyes and a huge smile.

He said "Are you my substitute today!?
Me: "Yes Johnny blue eyes"
Him: "My names not Jo....."
Me: "Ok go run along and play now"

Children really don't notice sarcasm. I proceeded to open the door and it only took 3 minutes to turn the key and pull down the lever, while trying to open the door. I couldn't figure out how to actually unlock the door permanently.

So I went in, studied the obsessively perfect lesson plan and then went and wrote my name on the board. No I wasn't in trouble. Time went by and no children occurred in my classroom. Could every child be absent? Sure why not.......or maybe I better check the lesson plan to help me better assess this predicament. OK, I have to pick up the kids somewhere. I walked out and another teacher found them and I said thank you. Into the class I went.

I noticed Johnny Blue Eyes again and he sat in a special desk in a special place in the magical classroom (translation: he sat alone because he causes problems). I introduced myself to them and they quickly discovered that my name was very similar to Parmesean Cheese. They laughed and then they sat on the rug. It was time to play some dumb cd about something I forgot.

I didn't know how to work the cd player. The experts helped me by telling me to push whatever button they saw first. I finally figured it out and they did some ritual to the music for 10 minutes.

Next was reading. Oh my......the lesson was prefixes.
Me: "Ok everyone get out your reading books"
Them: "What one"
Me: "Green"
Some Student: "No! It's the yellow!"
Me: "No the green"
Same Student: "Nuh uh, the yellow!"

My mouth opened and my eyes got wide as I gave him the most perplexed look I could pull off. I soon found out that they had special color codes for the different reading books. Way to go Riverbank. Forget the title of the book, forget even the colors on the front of the book, have a special mark on the book somewhere to confuse everyone and their grandmother.

Prefixes. In case you don't know what they are and I'm sure you don't. They are the couple of letters that go before the root word. Such as un, re, un.........do re mi fa la so ta de doh? Un and re are the only ones I remember. I explained the lesson as follows: "The words such as re and un before the root words change the whole meaning, such as ripe gets changed into unripe, and lock turns into unlock, which are opposites, so do the worksheets in the book"

No one got it of course. Wails of "I don't get it" encompassed the room. I had to shhhush them for a minute to get them to listen again. I told them, "what's the problem?" (It was so easy I couldn't even explain it.)

Me: "Ok who knows what lock means."
silence
Me: "Ok....blue shirt, what does lock mean"
Other student: "His name isn't blue shirt it's...."
Me: "Shhhhhhhhhhhh be quiet, what does lock mean"
Blue shirt: "I don't...know. It's hard"

Wow. Ok I'll try another student.
"Ok who knows what lock means"
no one did apparently. I didn't believe that so I tested them. I asked one of the students casually to see if the door was locked or not. So he went over and checked if it was locked.

"AHA! You know what it means! What's the problem!"

The problem was that I was a substitute so they thought they could get away with not doing anything. I finally got them to copy down the right answer in the book. It actually said exactly what to do, yet they still needed my help. Children won't read anything extra, even though the directions were one sentence long. "Write 're' before each word"

As they were working I would get random "It's time for lunch!" Did they really think they could trick me or did they really think it was time for lunch? It was an entire hour before lunch and they were hard at work trying to convince me otherwise. I told them it wasn't lunch yet. Of course someone wasn't paying attention and 1 minute later......"It's time for lunch!" No its not, its at 11...................."We're missing lunch!"

Oh man........The high school students had drugs as their religion, well these kids had food as theirs. All of a sudden I heard the squeal of a bus and a student shouted out "THE LUNCH BUSSSSSSSSSS RAHHHHHHHHH"

I was like.....wow! That is incredible. There's noises all day outside, how would they even know if it was the lunch bus or just a bus. I daydreamed for a second about gummy children arriving and my students getting to eat them like Hansel and Gretel. I also thought about Pinocchio and how he went to temptation island and turned into a donkey.

The class soon got out of hand and I told them to hush too many times my voice was hurting so I brought out Mr. Timer. A device that records how much time they waste and what I take off of lunch or recess. I told them that if they weren't quiet I was going to start the timer. One boy took this very seriously, while the other children didn't. I started the timer.........

Them: "Shhhhh..shhhhhhhhhh..SHHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIETTTTTTT SHHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!EVERYONE QUIET STOP TALKING AHHHHHHHHHHHH...............:

They finally got quiet and returned to their work for a little bit and got loud again.
Me: "I'm starting the timer again"
The Serious Boy: "Be quiet everyone, he has the timer on!........(didn't help)..............pleaseee be quiet pleaseee, thou shall not miss lunch, I need every second! Every minute is a thousand blessings unto my stomach........:
Me: "K I took a minute off lunch"

Well now it was finally time for lunch and I told them to line up, but I noticed that serious boy wasn't lining up and had his head on his desk. He was crying and I felt.......well confused, but also sympathetic so I talked to him about what was wrong.

Him: "I told them and told them to be quiet and they didn't listen. I tried.....ahhhhhhhhhh"
Me: "It's ok, it's only a minute, it's actually not that long, you actually have like 20 seconds left"
Him: "But I really tried really hard and they wouldn't listen and I was being quiet"
Me: "Ok the minutes over now and so you can line up"
Him: "I didn't want them to talk, I was being quiet, I..........."

am forgetting the punishment? Now you're just punishing yourself by not lining up. Emotions don't make sense sometimes, especially in children, especially when they are hungry and they wish to bathe their senses in the sight and smell of the lunch room. It was time for my lunch and I needed subway, my way, right away.........(by the way).

After lunch we did some math. I forget entirely what happened, but I remember about every 10 seconds a student would shout out "That's not how the teacher does it" and I would promptly respond with a "I don't care" and sometimes add a "ha ha" to the mix.

Then students needed to go to the bathroom. Why waste recess time to go to the bathroom? It's always a gamble on whether you let a student go to the bathroom or not, if you know what I mean. Once I let one leave, I have to let everyone else leave, heck why not just take a field trip to the bathroom. I told one of the students that I had to see him cry first before I let him go. He just asked me again and I told him that he was smiling too much to need to go. He asked again and I ran out of witty remarks to use so I let him go. He took the rest of the day off, no wait that was high school.

School was almost over and the classroom was really messy. I asked the kids if hurricane Katrina visited the classroom. "There isn't a Katrina in the classroom....." It hurts me when they don't get my jokes, so I just imitated napoleon dynamite and they all laughed.

One little girl lost her dollar, I wonder how, she only showed it off all day to people. She was very distressed that her dollar, which I was informed came from her mother, was lost. I told her I took it. I retracted the statement soon after so I wouldn't have to have a serious discussion with a parent about whether or not I had her dollar. Although if I did, it would go like this.

Parent: "My daughter told me that you took her dollar?"
Me: "No.........but I found a dollar on the ground so I put it in my pocket."
Parent: "I believe that is my daughter's dollar."
Me: "Finder's keeper's..........besides....how do I know it wasn't from the tooth fairy paying me in advance for when I have to take my wisdom teeth out."
Parent: "Wow this school sucks, I'm taking my daughter out"
Me: "Thank you"

Anyway, After she wasted 10 minutes trying to find the dollar I felt like throwing one on the ground, but I didn't have any in my wallet. Class was now over..............and I was tired and wanted to leave.........I started feeling like a caged animal. The mother of the dollar-less girl then came into the room. I thought ok good she is going to tell her that it's ok and it's only a dollar, so I could hopefully get out of the classroom and go home. NOPE. The mother started to look for the dollar and I was like "Wha?!".

Hopefully she learned a lesson that day about not to brag and boast about having a dollar. That she should keep it in her pants instead of holding it like a lollipop all day long. Well that was my day.

Disclaimer: I feel I sounded really harsh sometimes and it might seem like I hate children. That is entirely untrue. I loved the day so much and I really wanted to become a teacher (that day). I love children and I wish I could have hugged them all without losing my job. The remarks I made at the children made them laugh and get out of hand. I joked the whole day with them and was very loving.