Diary of a Substitute Teacher - Day 5

As I sit here waiting for the morning sun to rise, I feel guilty. I ponder everyday about my fans that have already fallen in love with my blogs.
They look at me with orphan like eyes, begging for more food with a tear in their eye.

"Please mister, can I have more turkish delight, just a bit more....."

Yes, my fellow duckies, I will grant your request. I will cease to be the white witch that feigns politeness and explodes with "NOOOO" to a certain Edmund Pevensie. That was obviously from The Lion, the Witch, and the Snitch by C.S. Lewis.

Today I get to substitute Junior High P.E. I must be really desperate for money. Junior High is deemed by most to be the worst grades. I don't think so. High school welding is. I'm still trying to hierarchilize teaching high school in my list of worst life experiences. Shooting myself with a bb gun was pretty bad, having a rusted car for a year is up there too. Electrocuting myself on a cattle hot wire was another unpleasantry......oh wait, I forgot about relaying prank calls of drunk and/or marijuanily intoxicated high school students. That's the worst.

So I download my map off of mapquest and they tell me to take hatch exit, south 99, and then to drive through the orchards for a couple of miles. Almond trees, beautiful almond trees. I was surprised that the school mascot wasn't almond man. I'm not sure if I arrived on time or not. I just remember that I got there and another teacher was making fun of some blonde girl for having poofy hair. I personally wanted to pull it, but I showed restraint. I decided I'd keep myself out of jail for another day. If a girl has long poofy hair, they're just asking for it.

The secretary told me that I need to meet up with the teacher, so she can open the gym. I looked in the teacher's lounge. I was looking for a mexican, because of her last name, but to no avail. I decided that she was married and it was an interracial marriage. I was correct! That surprised me. I made an attempt to engage in a stimulating, yet professional conversation, that would force her to tell everyone how awesome I was and to hire me regardless of my lack of credentials or need for new teachers. I don't even need to explain how that went.

I noticed she was wearing glasses and was skinny. There's just something about glasses that makes me think the person knows nothing about fitness. Even superman had to take off his glasses before he could go beat up people. She said that I needed a whistle and I really hoped she wouldn't give me the one that was around her neck, but just in case, I had a sarcastic remark. She didn't give me her used whistle, she gave me a brand new one! Bonus!! Free stuff! She then said I could keep it! That made me happier than the money. I don't know why or how, but it did.

I practiced whistling in her ear and then she slapped me. I pulled her hair. She sent her hench men at me, I couldn't reach my web cartridges. I knew it was poison ivy all along. The whistle was poisoned and I had to get my serum.

I stopped daydreaming and told her to have fun on the field trip.

I talked to the other P.E. teacher and he said that it was a really easy day. You just tell the kids to run a lap, do warmups and play soccer. I envy his job. He gets to run kids like cattle everyday.

I was freezing and I met first period in the gym. They asked if I was a new student. I walked over to the field with the roll call sheet and binder. I had a hard time arranging papers in freezing windy weather.

I told the leaders to start. I forgot to take roll during warm ups. I then told them to do a lap, they disagreed:

Boy: "To the fence and back!"
Me: "No no no no, a whole L shaped lap"
Boy "oh bull, we do fence and back"
Me: "2 laps then, cracker jack"

So they started running and one of the girls ran through a puddle and got all her clothes wet. She then had the gall to complain to me. She gave me a look like she never got wet before.

Girl: "There's..........there's water on me....water? Look, water on me. How?"
Me: "You have amused me, thank you"
Girl: "LOOK AT MY CLOTHES, I'm going to get water stains!"
Me: "Why were you playing slip n slide again?"
Girl: "Grrrrrrrrahh, I didn't see the puddle!"
Me: "Why did you run with your eyes closed?"
Girl: "I wasn't!"
Me: "Alright, so run another lap to dry it off."
Girl: "What! I'm the victim! I'm done running!"
Me: "Alright then, just go play with your friends."

She was trying to convince me that she was subjected to water torture. She wasn't a gremlin or the wicked witch of the west, so I wasn't too worried. Of course....what happens when her friends see that water got on her, not to mention the whole school. Every single person will turn and look at her, then tell all their friends, and every conversation in school will be about her. It'll carry into high school and she'll miss out on the most important ritual in life, the prom.

She was an occasion spinner though. These are the people that can take embarrasing moments and use them to increase their popularity. I envy these people. They can't go wrong socially. She probably approached everyone with the following:

Wetpants: HAAHA, I totally wiped out in PE today! LOOK at my pants!
girls: Haha, that's funny, you're so cool and funny
boys: haha, oh mannnn....please go out with me

Then half the school ends up getting wet because it's the cool thing to do now.

Well it was time for them to play soccer. The rules were that you couldn't kick the ball above the waist. They did anyway. I was like....panzy soccer......but then it got out of hand and people had to run half a lap to get the ball. They complained when they were told to run a lap, but they ran with smiling faces when you had to get a ball that was 100 yards away. That's the power of sports.

I noticed that the girls were playing rock, paper, scissors. Oh good, a chance to make fun of someone. I went over there and said:

"Alright ladies, quit playing patty cake."
Girls: "What, we aren't!"
Me: "Really?"
Girls: "Yes, it's to pick teams."

They then played patty cake because I inspired them to.

Well I thought I'd interrupt the other kids playing soccer. I decided that I would be goalie and root for my team. I blocked a ball and they called me a cheater. "Boo ya, neener neener," was my response.

A power trip then came over me. I faked an adrenaline rush so much that it gave me a real one.
I stood in the middle. I was "the wall". Bring it!..... Bring it!....... Rarrrrrr! I caught the ball, tossed it in the air and spiked it like a volley ball. Foolish children, tricks are for kids. I noticed the women weren't doing anything, so I went over there again to make fun of them.

Me :"What's the problem, ladies."
girls:"We don't want to do anything"
Me :"Ya, its tough. How about a mind game?
What's the difference between me standing here and you standing here"
Girls:"Huh?"
Me :"I get paid for it, psssssssssss na na"

One of the girls then put her arms on my shoulders and said she wanted me as her teacher, that I was really cool. I was like....ok back up please. Her friends were around. She didn't care if they made fun of her. They probably told her she was trying to go out with me. I backed up and ceased the pseudo hug.

Class was over, she left, I yelled at everyone to go pick up everything and to go away.

I got to have an extended lunch because the prep period and lunch were combined. That's heaven. Double lunch! You remember high school, you get a double lunch and you're above the system. You transcend the classroom and become a free spirit. You see your friends that don't have your lunch and they are shocked. It's like you came back from the dead. "What are you doing here? oh my gosh!"

The lunch you don't have is the one you want. You feel like you're missing out on all these fun activities. You heard about things that happen at the lunch you don't have and wish you had that lunch. In other words, I had a nice lunch.

After lunch is usually the punishment era of the day. You fill the kids up with energy, what do you expect. I personally think they shouldn't feed kids in school. They get a power trip. Who am I to tell them what to do when they just had FOOD. They taught me some math though. Food + Friends + Lax Rules = Disobedience

So I get the shortest kid in the class that thinks he's the coolest thing since ketchup. I tell the class to run a lap and I see him cut. I tell him to run another lap, so he complains and says:
Boy: "nuh uh"
Me: "Yep"
Boy:"Nooo, you won't make me, you can't"
Me: "I'm going to give you 2 minutes, if you don't make it, you do another one"

He enjoyed the challenge and attention from his friends. When he got back, he gave me more sass and glass. I tell him to give me 20 pushups.

boy: "I can do 100!"
me: "Ok, give me 100 then"
boy: "eek!"

Don't bluff, know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.

He went and talked to people. He said he had a dirt bike and I asked what kind. He said some number. I said it sucked and that he was spoiled.
He said at least he had one. I said at least I can put my leg over and get on the seat, without my mommy picking me up, like an infant getting ready to be put in a stroller.

It ended his power trip, he tried to become my friend. He acted obedient and was talking to me like a normal child. Did I expel a demon from him? I don't even know. It was a miracle. There were some racials slurs and I told them it wasn't appropriate, neither was the punching. Here I'm trying to glorify myself, obviously, for my wonderous good deeds.

The day was now over and the other p.e. teacher asked me if I survived the day. I said yes. I then went to the office to get my time sheet. She asked me if I survived the day. I said yes. I wondered if she used that joke for every substitute that came into the office. Next time I'll say "Almost.......you just killed me."