Dick Cheney

(Senate building, bill about to be passed)

Dick: So everybody, I believe this bill should be passed. It lessens the burden on the people, and I'm willing to take a hit economically if the people will benefit from it. They're the ones who matter, after all. So I vote in favor of the bill.

Senator #1: Then the tie has been broken! Thank you very much, Mr. Cheney. I don't know what we'd do with your guiding hand showing us the path of justice.

Dick: Oh my, you're making me blush.....I just try to do my civic duty, and make America as good a place as I can to live in.

Senator #2: But Mr. Cheney, this economic support package will call for millions of dollars of funding. Where will we get that sort of money?

Dick: Well, we'll try our hardest to find sponsors. And if we're still short in the end, then I'll personally sponsor the whole project. It's the people who matter, and I can take the hit.

Senator #2: Wow, Mr. Cheney. Your selfless generosity is an inspiration to us all. I have to agree with my fellow senator, I really don't know what we'd do without you.

(Everyone gradually exits, and then lights fade as scene changes to Dick's family room. He and his wife are sitting in opposing armchairs, he is reading a newspaper.)

Dick: How was your day, Lynne?

Lynne: Well, it was very busy. I barely got time to myself today. And you know I hate asking favors, but I'm actually really sore....

(Dick gives Lynne a back rub)

Lynne: Ohh....that feels so much better. You're such a sweetheart. Every woman is jealous of me, since I'm so lucky as to have a husband like you.

Dick: Well, I'm just trying to do my duty towards my wife, you. If you're happy, I'm happy, Lynne.

Lynne: What selfless love! What an appreciative character! It's like you have no flaws!

* * *

Act 2

(Dick and two shady-looking men in a small, cramped office)

Dick: Goodness friends, your offer of more power is so awfully tempting. I really do enjoy being in power.....

Man #1: Just imagine, all of America under one man's control- Yours. No one above you, and everyone is your subordinate.

Man #2: All of you have to do is sign this little slip of paper.

Dick: But...just sign it? Well, what's it say?

Man #1: Nothing for you to waste you time on. Just imagine all the power.....all of the people who will look up to you, all the difference you can make...

Dick: You know something? You're right. I can make America such a good place. I'll fix the Social Security problem with that innovative idea of mine, and I'll patch up the foreign policy holes, and-

Man#2: Right, we get the point. You'll get a lot done. But the question is, how will you get this power? George Bush is in power right now. You can't possibly take it away, can you?

Man#1: Unless, somehow, you got rid of him......

Dick: Well, what do you propose I do? I can't possibly just kill him. He's the president, after all.

Man#1: Don't you have a hunting trip tomorrow?

Man#2: With the president?

Dick: Oh, that? Yeah. Our monthly exotic-animal safari. But it's not like I could......oh no. You want me to shoot him then?

Man#2: Has Bush done anything good for our country?

Man#1: Forget that, he's in the way of your power!

Dick: I feel strangely compelled.....Tomorrow...and tomorrow, and tomorrow I'll do it. I won't work at this petty pace any longer. I've been waiting, from day to day, for this opportunity. Bush is merely an idiot, and he means nothing. So it's okay if I kill him, right?

Man#1: Okay?! It's what the people want! They want you in power! You want you in power!

Dick: Consider it done. (Signs paper proffered by Man#1)

* * *

Act 3

(People gathered in Oval Office, Dick seated in President's chair.)

Dick: Yes, what happened to our president was indeed very tragic. But really, it can't be blamed on the poor man who was holding my gun. He probably didn't know it was loaded. I fully exculpate him from all blames. And now, we must take this situation in the best light we can.

Speaker of the House: I agree! Henceforth be named president, the first that ever America in such a situation named.

Dick: Oh wow! I completely forgot about that! Isn't that a nice surprise?

Speaker of the House: Well, raise your right hand, and repeat after me.

(As Dick raises his right hand, Man#1 bursts through the door.)

Man#1: Wait! Dick Cheney doesn't deserve to be president! Look at what he has written in his journal!

(Hands signed sheet from before to Speaker of the House)

Speaker of the House: This is preposterous! I can't believe you would.....you murdered the president, Mr. Cheney?

Dick: Murdered...the what? Nononono.....of course not! My attendant accidentally shot him while he was holding my gun. We've already been through this. It was merely an accident.

Speaker of the House: Your journal entry would show us otherwise. And a signed journal entry at that. There is no doubt that this is yours.

Dick: Signed journal entry.....signed?! But....SIGNED?! (Locks eyes with Man#1) Why you....aargh.

Speaker of the House: I'm afraid that in accordance with your policy regarding death row, that is where you will end up. AT least there will be no more hooligans like you out on the streets!

(Police walk in, handcuff Dick Cheney, and lead him out muttering.)