Did I Divorce His Family as Well as Him?

In my family, ever since we were old enough to bring significant others home to meet everyone, my mother has had the chore of accepting whomever we brought home whether she liked them or not. As our mother it is her unspoken "job" to see that ruffled feathers are smoothed and to make sure that each newcomer feels somewhat like they belong, so that her children could feel comfortable and know that on the holidays or any other family gathering, everyone will be present and accounted for. In doing this one would hope that these gatherings would come off with reasonable camaraderie and peace between us all. Each and everyone of us married and mom's job continues.

Years go by...at least two things have happened to each of us. One, because of the job my mother has single handedly taken on, she has grown to love each of her daughter-in laws, just as though they were her own, her son-in-law, my husband, is another story because he made me choose between him and my family. Two, each of us has decided that we no longer want to be married to the people we told our mom she had better like because we were going to be with them forever. Mom is pretty laid back, she accepts our decisions of divorce with silence. this leads me to my topic: Who do we divorce? The spouse? The family? Who?

Recently, I wrote this letter to my youngest brother, who is now joining the other three of us, in divorce. Also he has recently brought someone new home to meet the family.
Brother, when I came back into the family I swore that I'd never lose you all again and that I'd work out all my feelings toward each and everyone of you. My years away from the family made me realize that whether you people were right, wrong, good, bad, lovable, or hateful you were 'MY FAMILY'. Each and everyone of you played a very significant part in my being the person I've become today and the person I'll grow to be tomorrow.

I understand the pressure you're under as you strive to make people get along that don't like each other, or don't like some things about each other (my brother's second wife has been a hard pill to swallow up to this point). Believe it or not I'm even trying to understand the two newest second wife point of view as well as everyone else's.

I remember going into my mother-in-laws home in the beginning. I just knew I was being compared to Harvey's 3 wives that proceeded me. It wasn't the most comfortable feeling and to be honest I'm not sure it ever really went away totally. I remember the first time I met my husband's first wife. She is the mother of Harvey's daughter. I was BIG and pregnant, physically and emotionally uncomfortable. I do remember well.

I have tried to think what it would e like to walk into Mom and Dad's on Christmas morning and find Harvey sitting there opening a present. To be real honest I'm not sure I could handle it and I thank God there's not a shot in hell I'll ever have to find out.

On the other hand, I see it from the ex-daughter-in-law's position too. Brother, I'm guilty of being at the ex in-laws house on Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, and 4th of July gatherings. I can't say that I'm sorry I attend those functions. Those people were all the family I had for a few years. They were there for me when Mom and Dad couldn't be. Grandma (mother-in-law) put clothes on my kids backs, food in the fridge, and anything else to help when times were lean. I'll never be able to forget tht, I wouldn't want to. What I'm trying to say is I love my ex-husband's family and I won't give them up unless they ask me to.

I wish you could see that the reason the exes still care for Mom and dad is because when they had you in common they expanded the love they had for you and included each other. Now, they no longer have you in common but Mom and Dad had always been there with 'love and support' which created more 'love and support' not just to you but to each and everyone of the the family members.

I'm trying to understand everyone's side, I do understand, maybe that's where I'm having trouble. There is room in this family for everyone if we all seek a common goal. I'd say that the goal could be 'love and respect' or 'acceptance' in a simpler form for each and everyone of us 'individually'. You for you; your wife for your wife; me for me; Mom for Mom; Dad for Dad and so on and so on.

I no longer like our brothers wives because they are the wives, I like them for themselves, we've grown past the connection of him. BUT I still care very much for the ex-wives. I see them as themselves as well as the mothers of my nieces and nephews. I can't help but see each one of our ex's as themselves, different and apart form our siblings.

We can't stop love, it's just there. No matter what I love you, Mom, Dad, the other two boys, and all my extended family, blood or no blood.

Maybe I understand loving family that isn't blood. The whole Mitchell clan is not my blood family, but they are my family in my heart. I grieved for Grandpa as much as you I hurt as much as you when Grandma passed on and went to be with Grandpa. Were these two people any less my grandparents than they were your's? Is dad any less my father than your's because he's not my biological father? I don't think so. good, bad, right, right, wrong, blood, no blood, like it or not, you are all my family. I guess that the final analysis would be that we all do the best we can do and we try to maintain a family unity as best we can. To do this we need love. We need to give love ans well as receive love. Can there really be too much of this? I don't think so. We meet people in our lives, we love some right away, we learn to love others and unless they do something to kill that love to us personally, it is very hard to turn love off. Should we really want to?

All my love,
Your sister forever

Love is a very positive energy, hate or dislike is very a negative energy. Life can be so much more enjoyable if we surround ourselves with positive energy.