Did You Stumble into One of These Relationship Pitfalls?

Every Relationship which has lasted past the "honeymoon period" has the occasional ups and downs. They are natural par for the course, but what happens when you are more down then up, and simply can't explain what is going on?

Most people fall into one of these two categories. Either they are "all about themselves and can't see what is going on around them", or they are "too sensitive and chase shadows all the time." Strangely enough, most couples are made up of one of each category, which can cause a lot of problems in the long run.

You can find thousands of self help relationship books which advice you on a wide variety of subjects on how to be a better husband or wife, but what they fail to mention or take into account is the personality of the person themselves. People can not be forced to change but must want to do this on their own accord. Before anyone can change anything however, it is necessary to truly see their behavior as something detrimental to their goals, health or general well being. This goes for both genders, and each gender makes the same mistake. They try to force a change, causing their partner to feel unloved, constantly belittled, pushed around, and neglected.

In those cases the common advice could cause more damage then help. Here are some of the pitfalls as they come to light in troubled relationships where only one partner tries to fix it.

The Communication Pitfall!

We constantly read about the need for communication. But what is open communication to begin with? It is an honest and open minded sharing of both partners' inner thoughts and workings. Meaning you have to be willing to hear and speak what each of you has to say. This is where we already have the biggest issue. What people think is communication, is often just a big complaint and pointing the finger fest of verbally abusive stances. You may be willing to speak, but seldom are able to hear. I mean hear what is actually being said. The moment someone says anything hurtful (even if delivered in a kind way) the other one feels attacked and shuts down mentally. If the same issue continuously keeps coming up, then it turns into nagging and fights. Nothing will be resolved in that case and it simply leads into a bigger issue. The biggest problem here is that the partner who is "listening" does not see the point made. Hence feels unjustly attacked and justified in even worth behavior. I often hear the statement:" I can't please her anyways, so why try?"

Most people try to communicate facing each other, looking at the other person, which now shows automatically either distress or aggression on their features. Again causing a natural human reaction in the other person called flight or fight syndrome. We are taught to make contact with the other person, to let them see our emotions. That may work well for most women, but most males are very uncomfortable with this. Emotions are not something the typical male does well. I am not suggesting that males don't have emotions; I am only stating that they are not as comfortable openly dealing with them.

So instead of doing this big "heart to heart" communication in which you face each other, you are better off sitting side by side, not looking directly at each other. Speak without drama and maybe even better yet write it into a letter while you are alone. Remember that once something is said, you can't take it back. But if you write it down, you can reread it and see how it sounds to you, once you see it through different eyes. You may even find that once you have said you piece on paper, you no longer find it necessary to give to your partner.

Skip the accusations. State facts only and try your best to be realistic. Try to negate problems, by acknowledging your faults as well. Trust me; you both have created the problem at hand. Nobody here is blameless.

The Ultimatum Pitfall!

An ultimatum usually only has one outcome. The end! Here is the funny thing about this, even if your partner changes under duress for a little while, once the "hurdle" is negated and things seem to go smoothly, they usually revered back to their usual selves. It is often advised for that reason never to make an ultimatum. What do you do however if you are at the end of your rope and you can no longer stand this situation the way it is?

Before you let it go and write that "Dear John or Dear Jane Letter", I would suggest writing a "final notice". Don't make it an ultimatum, but be honest and vulnerable letting them know that you are now heading this way, because of "insert reasons here". Ask them for help, let them know that you feel cornered and don't see a way out anymore. Make it clear that you love them, that you don't see them as a bad person, but that these issues can not go unresolved any longer since they tearing you apart inside. No normal human being wants to see their partner unhappy. Don't turn this into a guilt trip either. Don't expect miracles, but ask them to come a little towards you as much as they can manage it. They may not be willing to change, but most people are willing to make small compromises, which can result into larger changes if positive changes are the result. Remember that everyone has an agenda. They probably are not happy with some of the things you do either. Encourage them to let you know what you can do to make it easier for them to come your way. Now see what the response is. Don't ask them or grill them about the letter. A simple: "Did you read it?" Is all you need to know. You will in short order see on their behavior what they decision is. If they are trying and small changes are forthcoming then make sure to show your pleasure in it, no drama please ladies. If not you know that your partner no longer sees this relationship worthy of saving, and you need to be prepared to move on. This sounds painful, but is a reality. At least you can close this chapter with a pure heart. They were warned and they knew it was coming.

Eliminating the guilt.

The big change pitfall!

When you first meet this special someone, you always put your best foot forward. Now over the years, we try to adjust to the other persons "opinion" of you and start changing for them. Strangely enough those are the wrong changes. We often change exactly that which our partners loved the most about us, instead of changing the annoying habits. Human ironies as I call them. Maybe you were outgoing and fun to be around, and now suddenly you are overbearing and too serious. You were spontaneous and now suddenly you need an appointment for even a kiss.

As you get older you automatically become more serious and need to take your obligations more serious, but you should never lose your personal self in that. It is still perfectly ok to giggle with each other, to be the lovable goofball that made her laugh just because you loved to hear that sound.

Ask your-self what about your partner did you fall in love with? Ask him or her, the same question. What did I use to do that you really liked, that I stopped? Recapture those parts of yourself. You are part of a whole now, but you still have to be an individual as well. Don't lose that.

The Mommy and Daddy pitfall!

For some reason I see this a lot. You become parents and suddenly you think you are expected to stop being man and woman. Parenting your kids is very important, but by showing them in action that you suddenly become a-sexual you are not doing them any favors. Most normal kids love seeing their Parents hug and kiss. Now I am not talking about having sex in front of your kids, let's get real, but I am talking about being loving and romantic with each other. Show them that cuddling, hugging and kissing are perfectly normal with the one you love. So many kids these days start sexuality at a much too young age, and they fall into things that are simply not good for them. But they can not talk to their parents, because they are so unapproachable and a-sexual now. In a home where affection is normal, where the parents are a united front, and open about love, they feel a lot more comfortable.

When sex ends in a relationship, when romance is out of the window, so is the love effectually. Why do you think so many people cheat on their partners? A Mom is still a woman and a Dad is still a man. Make certain you meet each others needs. Be creative and fun. Keep it fresh. You don't need to involve a 3^rd party in your bedroom; there are plenty of other fun ways to interact. And remember this too. Your kids will eventually grow up and move out. Then it will be only the two of you again. Do you really want a "room mate" as partner?

The Money Pitfall!

Finances are a big problem, especially in the current recession. We all have to worry, but if you suddenly become so tight fisted that you hear your pennies screaming, you need to loosen up just a little. Try not to let the finances control you, but control your finances. Sit down and see where you can make easy changes in your spending habits and use the money you save for something fun for you both to do together. Yes, I am suggesting the occasional splurge. Trust me it will do your relationship a ton of good, to be able to be "mad" with your money for a moment. See what you can and how much you can squirrel away during the month, and then treat both of you to something with that money. And please don't make it practical. Make it something fun for both of you. This will make you remember a time when you were still dating.

Well those were the most frequent and hardest pitfalls to negate. I hope I could be of a little help to you. Enjoy your relationship, cherish each other, and remember we can all be real assholes from time to time. Don't always be so quick to point the finger at only your partner; you may have a big part in the problem yourself. Saving a marriage takes two people to want to save it. Recognize when it comes to that point. Oh and relationship counselors are not always a good idea either. They often just make the other person feel humiliated. Think about that before you start pressuring.