Did We Hear from Oprah?

Take a minute. Let that sink in.

Half the military and intelligence services on earth are futilely combing the planet for these guys, but some publisher managed to find their cave and lay down some ink for a fat book advance.

It's depressing. We command the most brilliant technology, like Google Earth. We can trace a single rancid peanut back upstream to some mismanaged peanut factory in Georgia. We can cast a law enforcement net around the exact cow that started Mad Cow Disease. But we can't find al Qaeda.

Once, while playing with Google Earth, I clicked my continent, then zoomed in to my state, then to my city, then my neighborhood, my street, my house, my window, and finally I actually saw myself at my computer, watching myself watch myself. But then my mouse slipped and I got sucked into a time-space anomaly, ended up marrying myself, and gave birth to my own parents, a fun-loving pair who slipped back in time and arranged for me to be reborn as an Amazonian tree frog, which wasn't so bad, except at the ATM. Plus, my favorite Chinese take-away could no longer figure out what I was trying to order.

Them: "Good, you order Shrimp Fried Rice, yes?"

Me: "No. NO! Shrimp Fried Lice!"

Still and yet, we can't find al Qaeda. And now they're releasing their own book.

The New York Times swiftly star-arced the unreleased title into slot 5 on their Best-Seller List, just below "Harry Potter and the Curse of the Federal Book Sequel Czars" and barely nudging out Al Franken's latest, "Rush Limbaugh Has Actual Horns And A Tail."

The book begins with a frisky foreword from al Qaeda's Number Two guy, O. bin "Benny" Sesame, who sets a mood, tossing some time-tested bon mots ("I am not having any respect. Take my wives. Please!")

The book then tackles our odd American customs, like ending every sentence with "LOL." Some chapter highlights:

Chapter Zero (Back off, Editorial: we invented zero): The State of US Security

Their borders are wide open. They check for plastic explosives with metal detectors. They challenge a grandmother's shoes, but can be sued if they challenge a foreign passport.

Chapter One: The State of US Society

One of three is obese. Many can't read their own language, much less ours. They have foregone family, and outlawed their own God. They hire script writers for unscripted "reality shows." We're confused.

Chapter Two: Jennifer Anniston Photos

Chapter Three: The State of US Culture

See "reality shows." We'll have to get back to you on this one. We're still confused.

Chapter Four: The State of US Politics

Their politicians arrogantly accuse their own CIA of lying. They are angry that their spies keep secrets. Need we say more?

Chapter Five: Paris Hilton Photos

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So why is Osama bin Laden still at large? I think I know.

* He's been hired as A-Line Fashion Diversity Consultant for "The View."

* Due to recent changes in content-ownership policies, he closed his facebook account.

* He made a back-tent-flap contribution to Rob Blagojevich.

* Nobody at Interpol can figure out his emoticons.

* The Wicked Witch of the West is protecting his poppy exports.

* He's not just a customer of the Harem Club For Men, he bought the company.

* Obama hasn't fully fleshed out his "Rehabilitation To Hope" profile.

* He still owes Bill Clinton a sack of campaign contributions.

* It's just not that easy to find a 6-foot-plus, aging, limping terrorist dragging a dialysis machine.

* Geraldo's busy in Aruba.

It's depressing. I think I'll write a letter to Congress. Not that they ever read anything.